Progress With Inner Child Work

[watundah]

I posted a few weeks ago and appreciate the feedback I received. It was encouraging and supportive.

So now I have had eight sessions with the non-dominant hand exercise and am overwhelmed by the history and emotion being released. The little ones are kicking my ass. I am now in a serious funk because the neglect and abuse are in my face by way of my four, five and seven year old's voices. Much has been stirred.

She is so sweet and so endearing and repeatedly says all she ever wants is to be told that she is good and that she is loved. And she wants to make things for me all of the time so we have had a few sketching moments. I have learned much about the pain that I endured and bad experiences that were repressed. And I understand that much of this process is about releasing that pain and grieving the lost innocence.

I am trying to not wallow but quite frankly, I honestly do not know how to do this. I am dwelling on it, which is better than stuffing it back down which was my MO, trying to exercise to keep my brain and body on an even keel and grounding and breathing. These things dont turn off the heartache, unfortunately. I am taking the next couple days off to let things settle and I go back to therapy on Monday. I will continue on because it is fascinating and cathartic but daaaang, there is so much hurt in there.

Aside from dosing with wine and chocolate, I would like to hear others coping mechanisms. I am trying to open up to my spouse but am having a hard time sharing the details.

 

[Biz]

@watundah , It's great that your inner child work has opened up so much. It sounds like it does not feel great but I'm happy for you (esp. after reading your hesitancy from the earlier posts).

Just a thought, if you're not in full out / danger to self-others breakdown, why not wallow and take a moment to acknowledge/dwell on the pain?

I'm sure there's a lot there and dwelling on may be just what's needed to recognize it's full effects. Dwelling doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it's a part of your process to experience the hurt, pain, and bad experiences you mentioned. They may need some time up (rather than put down like you've said was your past reaction) before they feel less emotional.

That's been my experience when I've worked on childhood stuff.

 

[ghotiff]

I think it's not so much wallowing but grieving your childhood. If it's not interfering with your functioning I would allow yourself to grieve. Personally I think with this type of thing fighting it just makes it last longer.

 

[watundah]

Yes. Trying to feel into it which is unfamiliar, letting myself, it's unusual for me and uncomfortable but obviously necessary. Good advice to not fight it but it sucks.

Pushing on and listening to the brain AND the heart.

 

[ladee]

@watundah, This is grief. The real kind. The healing kind. I was at my worst doing this work realizing I had to abandon my little girl in order to survive. But she didn't go anywhere. She was there waiting for me. And that was absolute trust. She taught me about that kind of trust again. And like your precious child, she was, and still is so much fun. Mine needed me to 'wallow', to show her how much it hurt and how to move forward. I am so proud of you, that there just aren't any words to convey what I am feeling for you and your little one. It takes courage to go back and get the little one... what an awesome life you and her are going to have.... sending you lots of gentle :hug:'s if you accept them.

 

[watundah]

Thank you @ladee You are always very kind.

 

[Panda Bear]

This is both incredibly healing and fascinating work, @watundah!

I have some to add about grief, maybe later. It's some powef stuff.

Spent and spend a lot of time on grief, my younger self spent her last therapy session with her ears plugged. Couldn't stand to hear another word...:banghead:.

 

[Rumors]

I think you are incredibly brave to work on this. I am not there yet. I still panic thinking that I have a little person inside of me that I need to reconnect with.
I find it so unreal that the child version of myself doesn't even feel like someone I know. I am so disconnected from that person that I don't really even recognize how I could ever feel like it is possible to know her. Ugh... Keep typing because I am certainly learning a lot by your journey!
Thanks for sharing!!!

 

[watundah]

Panda I would love to hear when you're ready.

 

[Rumithon]

Panda I would love to hear when you're ready.

Hi, Chris here. I've done a lot of grieving, and have learnt that you just have to surrender and then you are delivered by grief to the other side. Painful as hell, but we're not exactly inexperienced here in that dept.

Main reason I'm posting is that this work is hard and very isolating, I find it difficult to seperate the ic and the present, and get drawn into my ic's feelings to the point where I project. As I progress, I get closer to the ic, but I've made it through life by shutting them down and am a poor parent to them. It's also very exhausting, and I don't get to talk about it with anyone other than my T, but also don't get to socialise as my nrg is low that I am spent what with working and co parenting. I would really like to connect with others who are recovering from trauma as I have stopped bothering with superficial interaction, which makes up most of daily life, and I wish to seek out those who know where it's at and can understand what recovery involves. We're all very brave to do this work, we have the shoulders for it, but I'm lonely and just need to connect with people as I have a big heart, and no one else can relate and understand trauma unless they've experienced it,

Best

Chris