Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I need to breath, you are right. I didn't know what was happening. If I did I would've stopped it immediately. The guilt, I need to work on.

I agree, what I've been telling myself is NOT helping me nor my daughter.

You're support is never ending, thank you for being here for me. You are like a rock:)

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock you are right. I'm not there for her in the way she needs. Too much of my own pain getting in the way of being able to meet her needs.

And so you are like every other parent who is sometimes there for their kid/kids and is sometimes not there for their kids. That you can be honest about it is magnificent - because that means you won't act it out on her! Great stuff! I didn't get that in my home. Full marks from me.

I try to reassure the best I can. Tell her she will get through this but it doesn't seem to help.

Well you didn't get your feelings validated and now you are trying to do it for her and yourself. It is a tough gig. Sometimes we don't get it totally right with people - that is life. Pull up a stool and sit with the rest of us - who are also just a member of the human race.

I don't want to do this any more... It's to hard and painful.

So take a break - then you are teaching your daughter that you take care of yourself and then she can follow your example at this time it is probably the best thing that you can do for both of you. Get you a bit less distressed and stable again.

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock I need to breath, you are right. I didn't know what was happening. If I did I would've stopped it immediately. The guilt, I need to work on.

Great some reasonable self talk! Hoorays!

Of course you would have stopped it if you had found out - you would have done it right away!

The guilt is not yours - hand it back - work out a busting distorted cognitions thingy. Do a Self Compassion Break like the one I broke down for you in our PM.

I agree, what I've been telling myself is NOT helping me nor my daughter.

And you are amazing for being able to see this - give yourself credit for all the great stuff you have done and that you like, other human beings, particularly other Mums struggle with this situation.

You're support is never ending, thank you for being here for me. You are like a rock:)

There is a lot I don't know but what I can share. I share.

 

[ms spock]

Too much of my own pain getting in the way of being able to meet her needs.

Just be honest.

Tell her that your pain from your past and your upset at what has happened to her is something you need to work on in hospital.

She knows the drill. You have been here before, and then tell her this will help you help her her better in the long run.

She is a smart kid.

Say you know that yelling at her is not okay, and you want to fix that in yourself.

Whatever you think is appropriate.

I am not a parent. So I don't know what is age appropriate but you could start a thread and the mothers and fathers could help you out with what to say.

 

[katz]

Heather, I suggest a journal for yourself. Put the anger and feelings on paper. Get them out of you. If you need to cry, that's ok. If you need more that writing--go walking--alone. Run as fast and as long as you can. You need to be in control of your emotions. She needs you now, she is feeling badly and needs the parental support from you.
I know that it is hard on you, but you need to remember how much she needs you. And I know that it sucks to be forced to be the "grown up" when you hurt so much inside. When you comfort her, remember to comfort yourself too. Try to forgive yourself. You didn't know. Remember that your doing everything you can to help her. Give yourself some credit that you are there for her. A lot of parents aren't, or don't want to be.

I had a time when my niece needed comforting, her mom (my sister) did not help her, nor my mom. I knew exactly what she needed to hear because I knew how she felt. I gave to her and said just what she needed to hear. Not only did it comfort her, but I felt better too.
Give yourself some of that love and support that you give to her. You both deserve it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Heather I know that this feels like the end of the world and the very worst thing in the world that haappend to your daughter and I too know the feelings of feeling like you failed to protect your daughter, but that is not true, it only haunts a parent that has tried to protect their child when this happens. It feels like the structure of everything you once knew is collapsing all around you.

When this happened to me, I tried to commit suicide because I felt like such a huge failure. I took pills and then I got scared really bad and called an ambulance. It was a nightmare so I can relate to what things you may be feeling and thinking right now all by yourself. I too felt alone because no one believed me. I had family in deep denial and I did not know that. Luckily I was already in therapy when the truth came out.

I also relate to the anger you feel. The out of control feeling of being picked up by your ankles and every part of you has been shaken out and you are left empty of you as you once knew so you have to start over and rebuild a life and you are dealing with a huge aftermath right now and it is all mixed up in your own painful memories.

I may be wrong and this is not the case for you and your daughter. I learned eventually after a very long time that when the worst thing in the world happens I continue to live and begin to rebuild again.

Mabe you are at this place in your life. Thank you for your honesty and courage in being so honest. There is good stuff in you and your daughter and the truth is that you are not failing at all. I have no words to describe all of the feelings I experienced when this happened to me and my children.

You are not alone in this. Mabe this is not the kind of hands on support that you really need but you are not alone.

 

[ms spock]

Give yourself some of that love and support that you give to her. You both deserve it.

I think there is a deep wisdom in this one. I am learning about Self Compassion and I do Self Compassion Breaks during each day to break down the inner critic. I don't know what works for you Heather - but finding some stuff that does could be helpful.

I had a time when my niece needed comforting, her mom (my sister) did not help her, nor my mom. I knew exactly what she needed to hear because I knew how she felt. I gave to her and said just what she needed to hear. Not only did it comfort her, but I felt better too.

I feel a little bit uncomfortable about this, and this is why becoming a therapist after your own healing is often not a good idea.

Heather's daughter might need and want different things from Heather.

So if Heather meets her needs and takes care of herself, then she is full again, and she can then sit and listen and then learn work out what her daughter actually needs and wants.

Heather's daughters might experience her needs and wants very differently from Heather.

Heather giving her daughter what she needs and wants might not be relevant for Heather's daughter. If you are giving things to people because that is what you are wanted you have kind of not been present in this now to what they actually need and want. I do this myself, so no criticisms or judgements from me.

But having enough in yourself so you can actually present to what you need and meet that, and then be present again for the other people might be another way to go. And then you are not meeting your needs through helping that person, and I think that could be a more productive way to go.

I say this remembering that I am a highly flawed human being who gets it right some days and gets it wrong some days. There is no perfection in this there is doing the best you can - and that is okay - you don't have to be perfect.

 

[Heather]

Thank you all for your support @gizmo, @Ms Spock and @katz . I am in a much better place today. I know that when I am pro-active and I take charge of the situation, I feel better.

I think I have found a place for Nicole to goto school. I went there today and it was wonderful. They will provide her with the support and encouragement that she needs. They will also work with a curriculum that is specific to her and will even work with her one on one.

They will help me with payments. This is all a good thing. I met several of the kids there and they couldn't be happier. A lot of them came from public school due to bullying issues.

I am hopeful that this is the right place for her. We are going there tomorrow so she can get a feel for it and see if it's the right fit. Keep fingers crossed. I am.

 

[Heather]

I also believe that if I see my daughter healing and doing well. My pain will ease and ultimately I will be ok too.

 

[ms spock]

Can you see if you can reframe that though @Heather?

If you put a condition of your daughter doing better for your pain to ease and for you to be okay, then that places a lot of pressure on your daughter to process and get well sooner than later.

Your daughter may end up shutting herself down to meet your needs for her to be doing better well and healing.

It will take your daughter as long as it takes.

It would be more helpful if you can do Self Compassion, Self Soothing and Self Care without it being conditional on her being okay for you to be okay.

Try to break it apart and see if there is a different way to think about this one?

If you can be okay in yourself whilst you she is not feeling okay - then she has permission to be the kid who may be messy for awhile, rather than becoming an adult who needs to take care of you by not having a hard time.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I see what you are saying. I would never say that to her.... But seeing her doing well does ease my pain. She is an extension of me, she is my daughter that grew inside of me for 9 months.

When she hurts, I hurt. It is very hard to separate.

I agree. I have to work on NOT falling apart when she falls apart. This has been so hard on me. I don't want to burden her anymore than she already is. I take your words and see the value in your points.

Thank you. As always you are full of wisdom and unending support.

Much love and thanks (again)

Heather

 

[ms spock]

You are doing really well @Heather - extremely well indeed! I have to say that I don't want you to think I don't notice that.