DID Part doesn't want me to be happy

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My man's Middle/Littles have said a few times over the years in various ways that they are "afraid" whenever Grumpy takes over .. At first we thought this was cuz they were afraid OF Grumpy (and ok, SOMEtimes that's the case, cuz he's kinda a mean "SOB" inside the system, always degrading the others internally) ..

But it wasn't until several conversations that both my man and I realized this is MAINLY to do with the fact they know Grumpy doesn't like to "come out" UNLESS there's something "scary" going on, so if HIS radar goes up, the rest of them run and hide, for the most part.

@Ragdoll Circus .. I like that you call her "FOX" .. EVERY rare once in a while my man calls Grumpy "DOG" ;)

And to your internal disdain dynamic, I'll add that my man doesn't really "like" his parts either .. the Littles cause him to behave in ways he finds embarrassing or compromising, and Grumpy really makes enemies quick. HOWEVER, that said, I LOVE all my man's parts. I love the different insights they give me into "the heart of the man" and my man says he likes seeing himself through my eyes, cuz I'm like a Mirror, and he sees things he wouldn't know or notice otherwise .. and I LOVE that Grumpy is no-nonsense, get it done, stand up for himself, sniff out trouble, fearless in the face of it .. HE more than any other part of my man has really taught ME how to be brave in my own life, and by example. So I suspect I'd probably like your Fox, too ;) There IS lots to "admire" in these qualities!!

I hope y'all grow to see the "admirable" sides to each of your parts!! That alone can be HUGELY healing!! I tell my man as often as I can whatever I think is "praiseworthy and excellent" about this or that part of his whole self. And sometimes the fact that one part manages THIS characteristic which might seem at odds with THAT characteristic .. nevertheless they keep him in balance on the WHOLE, and while he may not experience HIMSELF wholly, I have the great joy and luxury of loving him that way. :inlove:

(And I am so thankful for this forum where I get to TALK about ALL of him, cuz that also helps me "see" him more completely and better temper myself to adapt to his "moods" .. when he needs me to be the rational strategizing protective type to build and "plan" with Grumpy or when he needs me to "adult" for or comfort or just PLAY with! the Littles, or when he needs me to just be "in love" with Middle, partners hand in hand as we "work the plan", etc. It challenges me to be the best ME, too!! Each of us "owning our own center" and "speaking in the now" and "throw it against the wall to see if it sticks" and "keep me safe!" and CHAMPIONING our best selves....This is where BOTH of us find SO MUCH of our very real .. HAPPINESS. :) )

~WU

 

[BlueOrange]

@WhisperingUnicorn , I'm going to re-read that post a few times, I think. It's a really really important message.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

It has taken me a long time to understand that Wife 2.0 loves all of my parts, and even longer to believe it.

Oh dear, ya .. Our situation was a little backwards, cuz we were coworkers and friends first and HAD to find a way to "get along" when .. at the time, Grumpy was the ONLY one who was out at work, though I didn't know it then. We had YEARS to figure each other out, and years for my man to see me PROVE myself a trustworthy friend who would stick with him through thick and thin, and NEVER hurt him (at least never "intentionally").

And when we started to transition from friends to "more than friends" he was CONVINCED once I saw (particularly the Little we now know as "Femmy"), he sincerley believed I wouldn't want him anymore .. he was SO terrified, but he had been through enough failed relationships to know that it was necessary for him to be FULLY honest with me about his internal reality or he and I would never work. And he didn't have the emotional energy to "hide" parts of himself for me for any kind of long term relationship.

And "Femmy" wasn't "feminine" as much as pre-adolescent boy .. very flirty and flaunty and silly, but INNOCENT and he and Little (who have either since integrated or were two "faces" of the same part?) carried MOST of my man's traumatic memories and the pain associated with them .. I saw the wounding, and grieved with him. I saw the vulnerability, and was compelled to "shield" him. And since Little was SO young, maybe 6 or 7?, he was sometimes inconsolable unless I could hold him and gently caress his hair when he cried. Little in particular needed a LOT of reassurance that I wasn't going to leave him/them. And once I recognized Little, that's when Femmy became more playful and silly. He's just FUN!! And the rest of my man began to ENJOY letting Femmy and Little interact with me more directly.....It's like I got to LOVE my man AS a little boy, and that love began it's OWN kind of healing inside my man .. this "heart of the man" who believed he was so undesirable, unlovable, impossible to deal with, always causing trouble :( And Grumpy certainly didn't help that dynamic, cuz INSIDE himself my man literally was despising the very things that made him a TENDER spirit!!

As far as terms like "host" and "core" .. I tend to think more in terms of who's "out" (varies, "host of the moment," usually Middle, sometimes Grumpy, RARELY the Littles) and who's the most SOUL ish "identity" at the heart of the man (core self, Femmy/Little). THEY are my man's tender spirited and JOYful side, but also the most fragile because of how badly they were hurt and regularly betrayed and threatened. Grumpy imitates my man's abusive Dad, but after all these years, even at his "worst" Grumpy is NOT the same man as his dad was - it's more like he borrows some of the characteristics at times because HE was the one who had to FIGHT the most with his Dad to protect the rest of himself. :(

This might be taking the thread too off topic - apologies if so!!

~WU

 

[BlueOrange]

This might be taking the thread too off topic - apologies if so!!

Given that this is 'my thread', I declare this to be thoroughly on-topic. Tired though. Will aim to do more and better words later.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Given that this is 'my thread', I declare this to be thoroughly on-topic. Tired though. Will aim to do more and better words later.

Right on, yo! :)

I am a wordy girl, pretty much unilaterally ;) My man gets tired, too, especially if Middle is managing too many conversations in his head at any given point, so he'll say "Too many words honey, what's your real question?" or "I am sure that was all beautifully put and really important, but I have NO IDEA what you just said. Say everything you just said again, but this time keep it to 20 words or less." (LOL)

I hope you get good rest!!

~WU

 

[Sideways]

WU-

Your courage is commendable, jaw-dropping, and inspiring, and I can only guess at the hard work and hurt that it's taken you and your partner to get where you are. Thanks for your posts, they'll be echoing in my head for a long time.

 

[ms spock]

Gosh just reading your detailed posts is so hard for me. A part of me does not want me to know about this stuff at all! I appreciate the candid posts and honesty.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I go in swings .. Might be my OWN "parts" at play, though they're far less pronounced. Earlier, I was VERY interested to write, but at the moment, at the end of a LONG day at work, I'm so tired I can't even read my OWN writing at the moment. LOL So I can relate, @Ms Spock !! ;)

Still, if I could champion anyone's finding the "admirable" qualities to each part, I would pour myself out for that. (Not so good at it with myself, but it comes naturally for me with my man, because I LOVE him. I don't always "love" me. Hm.)

The sheer SKILL alone it takes to survive and adapt is admirable in itself, and I think we are quite a "fearfully and wonderfully made" people. :)

~WU

 

[ms spock]

LOL So I can relate, @Ms Spock !! ;)

I am glad because I feel like the one who is the slowest of the slow in dealing with this stuff.

 

[BlueOrange]

Gosh just reading your detailed posts is so hard for me. A part of me does not want me to know about this stuff at all!

I'm finding this thread extremely difficult myself. Rewarding, but difficult.

 

[Chava]

I have what I'd call layers or states, but not parts. But I do relate to not being able to feel or allow happiness. And right not to force it. My therapist understands this very well, and I'm so grateful. My last therapist was pushing me to go out and "have fun." My whole life has been like an addiction to suffering or survival mode. "Okay" is actually a tolerable level of suffering. So what I'm working on is feeling "okay" without the suffering or pain. Not happy, just "okay" in a more normal sense.

I actually have a good sense of humor, so allow happiness in that way...like watching a comedy or sharing funny ideas with colleagues. I also allow little bits of joy felt through working on projects I like. But on my own, or day-by-day, I simply don't need to feel very happy. It's not a normal state and it's not actually what I'm even after. I just want to feel okay and connected to myself. Then maybe happy after that, if it makes sense. I'd say I'm doing much better with the moments of good feelings or generally less pain and suffering, so that's progress.

If part of you doesn't want to feel happy, don't force happiness. Maybe choose a goal like "okay" or look at what it's really feeling. If it's protective, it's job is not to be happy, but to be alert. So working on being okay, or grounded, might be more realistic. ???

 

[ladee]

I'm not even sure what 'happy' is supposed to feel like. I know that a lot of the time I am calm, reflective, nice to people, people are nice to me... but on a philosophical level, none of us get to be happy all the time... My idea of FUN, is loading up my neurotic dog, hitting the back roads, looking for petrified wood!!!!!! Alone.
Like @Chava, I just want to be ok. Ok is good.