I Need Your Help With My Signifcant Other. The Quandary That Tortures Me.

[void]

Hello friends,

This quandary has plagued me on and off for decades.
I have suffered greatly because of it...no one knows how much.:cry:
This issue is very complex and after decades of wrestling with it, I remain feeling trapped within my mind.
There is a special kind of psychic exhaustion when one faces unsolvable problems and I am cursed with it.

I have always wanted to both stay(in) and leave my relationship.
Sounds like madness doesn't it?!
It feels terrible.
It hurts.
I hate myself for it.:(

My SO and I are not compatible and never have been. My stuff and her stuff drew us together. I know it...she doesn't.
I have grown, engaged in a self-examined life and had much therapy....she has not.
The more I grow the less compatible we become.
I desperately don't want to hurt her at all, but the more I grow the more pain I cause.
Hurting her hurts me a lot.
I would give anything for her to experience no emotional harm or stress, but as things deteriorate she is exposed to more pain.
I am also terribly afraid of experiencing even more pain than I already have.
My burden is excruciating.

When we started, I was lost, confused, so raw and she seemed so wise, so sure. I need that so badly.
She loves to give advice to everybody, many resent it, but I needed guidance....and she was nice to me.
I had never known nice.
It felt good.

But as I grew and learned, I didn't want to be told what to do in every single situation...it felt controlling...overbearing...so stifling. She means well, but it has caused terrible feelings inside of me. She won't stop, she won't change...she feels 100% justified to tell me and everyone else what to do, how to feel, what to say. My childhood was one of being totally controlled...like a concentration camp(that's what the PTSD expert called it).

What kind of fvcked up human both wants and does not want a relationship?!?!
I am very fvcked up.:(

to be cont...

 

[void]

Every so often, she tells me about all of my failings...usually takes an hour or two.
She vents her anger, frustration...tells me how I need to change.
We get to talk about what my weaknesses are...we don't ever talk about her issues.

We are together 24/7...never more than 10m/30feet apart, yet she complains(daily) that I don't spend enough time with her. She wants me to be with her every minute of everyday. She is insatiable. I say I need some time alone...this hurts her VERY deeply. I tell her everyone needs some time alone, but she doesn't feel that way so why should I need it.

Even right now she is very cross with me because I'm on the computer.
I don't spend much time on the computer, as it is a very sore subject around here.
She takes it VERY personally that I need some time alone.

to be cont....

 

[Sideways]

You're not f*cked up. You can care for someone immensely but not want to be in a relationship anymore - that happens. And I don't know that there's any 'painfree' way out.

From the way you describe the situation, it sounds like you know what the right answer for you (and her is). Maybe keep writing it out though, because that process alone can be helpful with our resolve in painful situations...we are listening:)

 

[void]

My stress level is very high right now:nailbiting:. My thoughts are rapid. I have a strong desire to withdraw.

Looking for a T.
Can't afford but can't not afford.:(

I have had these episodes many times in the past...feeling desperate/trapped/misunderstood/alone...it is so wretched.
This eventually passes when the pain becomes unbearable and I change myself to restore harmony with my SO.

You see, I can have near perfect harmony with her, as long as she is directing.
She is very happy when I'm like that.
I'm very good at it too...you'd be impressed.
I'm an expert at all the things to do and NOT do.
There is an internal cost to it though:(.
I sacrifice my true self at the alter of Her Happiness.

You see, if I am my true self with my values, priorities, etc... there is conflict.
She has a VERY comprehensive set of views on just how things ought to be and of course, she is right....unquestionably right about all of them...to her it is inconceivable that anyone else's view may have any merit.
I have on many occasions tried to explain my viewpoint but the conclusion is the same every time..."It hurts me that you think that"(quoting her)

She has ZERO insight into the rigidity, the calcification of all of her views, to her it is self-evident to any sane person that her ideas are obviously correct.
She is exceedingly stubborn...and so I yield(self loathing*).
She becomes quiet, so obviously hurt....it is EXCEEDINGLY difficult for me to cope with her mood.
I have tried sooooo hard to ride out her moods(to see if she'll work her way out of them on her own)....deep breathing, self-talk, distraction, dissoc., reading, chanting, etc....
I've even lasted several days:wideeyed::nailbiting:, but then I break:x3::depressed::blackeye::dead:

It is like my internal state of being depends on her...is that co-dependent?????:confused::confused::confused::confused::(:(:(

I have re-created my childhood in my relationship:blackeye::(:tdown::x3::nailbiting::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::inpain::grumpy::depressed::depressed::depressed::depressed::depressed:

Why can't I stop?
Why is this sooooo fvcking hard?
It feels like the ultimate barrier:(:(:(:grumpy::grumpy::depressed::depressed::depressed:
Decades!
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

to be cont....

 

[Sideways]

When people swing between passive and overt aggression (even without fisty cuffs), it can become incredibly toxic. It's really damaging to a person's self-esteem when they are constantly having to "correct" themselves to appease the other person, because you're learning that you're not perfect and loveable just the way you are...except, you are perfect & loveable just the way you are, and there are others who will adore you, just the way you are.

A situation is never "close to perfect so long as I change everything about myself". If harmony with a SO requires that you are constantly having to adapt your behaviour and values to suit the SO, that's not perfect. That's not a healthy relationship, for either party. Which is different from saying you don't love and care for this person.

Some couples can work through issues like this if there's enough in the relationship that's genuine love worth fighting for, and if both parties are willing. For others, staying in the relationship is not much different to battered wife syndrome...

(thinking out loud about your posts).

I really don't want to tell you what to do, or pass judgment on your SO. You sound like you're in a terribly painful situation. If you were listening to a loved one describe their relationship like this, what would your advice be to them?

 

[void]

Thank you @Ragdoll Circus for taking the time to read my posts:) and for your kind words.

I don't understand "love" at all.
Love confuses me. Abusers and manipulators usually say they love their victim.

My SO loves the 'me' SHE wants me to be....NOT the real me.
She rejects the real me and always has.
Yet she 'loves' me more than anything.
She would swear it, with tears in her eyes that she loves and accepts me completely...that she only wants the best for me.

To her, the only problem(s) that exist are my problems/flaws/inadequacies.

 

[void]

cont....

We were even separated for 4 months. I initiated that. I couldn't take it anymore:(.
But....I couldn't cause "the final hurt" and end the relationship....i couldn't do it:x3::sorry:
I am a coward.
...but I can't bear the thought of doing that to her....and so I remain...in misery:depressed:
pathetic i know:grumpy:

plus I can't face my own pain over it all...the finality of it all...:(
and the thought of be alone:wideeyed::nailbiting::nailbiting::nailbiting::nailbiting:
i am ashamed.

oh, i made an appt with a new T.:unsure::unsure:

sry for the random rambling style:sorry:

my mind isn't overly clear atm...dissin' a fair bit........

Oh, btw, to any others who are reading this...thank you...and you are welcome to share your thoughts if you'd like....:tup::happy:

to be cont............

 

[void]

You're not f*cked up. You can care for someone immensely but not want to be in a relationship an...

Thanks:happy::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Usually when two people are in a healthy relationship, there is communication, respect, care, mutual understanding of boundaries, emotional support, and love. In your explanation of your relationship I saw none of the above... What I heard was your SO, disrespects you, your emotions, your feelings, and your thoughts.

It sounds more like control than love or anything healthy. So my question is...... What are you getting out of this relationship???? You stay for a reason, so dig deep and figure out what that reason is...... I suspect in some manner you lack self esteem and self worth, and she solidifies this for you by disregarding your feelings, emotions and so forth. She reinforces the lack of self esteem you have for yourself. Change is difficult, but it isn't impossible. It starts with small steps..... Take one... You might be surprised at how liberating one small step can be.

 

[scout86]

There are some things about your situation that remind me of my marriage. (I'm divorced.) The divorce happened because I finally lost my temper. We tried marriage counseling. He said he liked things the way they were and was too old to change.... And, he had every reason to feel that way. Things were the way he wanted them.

As far as hurting him goes, I felt terrible about that. And guilty. And he was hurt, for awhile. But he was remarried in a year or so and, in his world, everything was my fault anyway so it wasn't a big deal for him in the long run. In a therapy session not long ago, I mentioned that I felt like the divorce was my fault because I'd "changed the rules in the middle of the game" but wanting to be accepted for who I actually was. My T said it's not only ok to change the rules, it's REQUIRED that you change the rules. Like you said, people grow and change and then "the rules" in a healthy relationship change too.

There doesn't always have to be a "bad guy" and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault, but all relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime. So do, but it's not appropriate for all of them to.

The night I told him I was leaving was hard. I actually left. I had a prearranged place to go and spent the night with friends. I knew he was going to be upset and I knew I'd back down if I had to stay and listen to him. It was rough for awhile but it was one of the smartest things I've ever done. It REALLY helps to have friends around for support and encouragement.

Good luck @void!

 

[Sideways]

Control dynamics...nasty.

I don't know the SO, so I really am just postulating. But it sounds like a control thing, in which case, for the SO, it's knowing that she's coming home to a person that she can control (and is ergo safe with) that is the drawcard. In that case, it will never end. You will never be 'perfect' and no longer have to change things. The SO will be constantly reassuring herself of her own safety through new acts of control - new ways to demonstrate to herslf that she can control who you are.

Sadly, if you break up, that could be really frightening for the SO, because it's the ultimate demonstration that actually, she isn't in control of you. It's the human condition that the most painful route is often the healthiest one. For all involved.

For you, I have an itch when I read the posts that yeah, there is an element of safety in it for you as well. "I can't cope with letting her down", and harder still, "Part of me likes having someone show me how to be perfect and worthy of love". Obviously it's more complex in real life, but we're limited in what we can see...and that's what I'm seeing.

There is a huge amount of safety knowing that someone else is in control of us and our life, especially when your world feels chaotic, too painful to cope with, and spinning out of control.

It takes courage and self-esteem to decide that you're worth more than this abuse, that life is bloody hard but you can cope without someone else taking charge all the time. And despite what you may have been taught as a child, you are perfect. Even our myriad imperfections are things that should be honoured.

And there's no way around it - it's bloody painful to walk away from someone you love. Scary, heart-breaking, earth-shattering. The pain will pass. My mantra stuck on my fridge is "deciding to heal is terrifying. Do it anyway. Do it afraid. That's what courage is".

There is no pain free exit strategy. But the pain will pass. You are a unique, worthy and beautiful person, just as you are. And when the awful blackness lifts, there is a better life waiting for you beyond it.

 

[void]

There are some things about your situation that remind me of my marriage. (I'm divorced.) The divorce ha...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.:happy:
I sorry to hear of the pain you endured and I'm glad that you have been able to come to terms with the divorce.
I hope that your present and future is filled with peace and contentment.:happy:

Be well:hug: