Childhood I Was Molested For 4 Years At The Age Either 4 Or 5

[My Story]

Hi I'm Timberly. I'm 19 years old and this is my story. I remember it so clearly, but only certain parts.

I was about 4 years old going on 5 when my dad's bestfriend was our babysitter. He thought he could trust him but turns out he couldn't. I remember how it first started out, and as a little kid I didn't know better but now I do. It started off with him always picking me inappropriately then it would get worse.

He would follow me into the bathroom to see if I needed help. I dunno I was 4. I cant remember all the things that has happen but I can recall him coming into my room night and told me not say anything, and did some sexual things to me.

This just didn't happen once. I think he might of raped me too, but I cant exactly remember if he did.

After I went to school I met a girl named Taylor and learned she lived right across the street. I would go over there as much as I could, because I didn't feel safe in my own home

I have an older sister and two younger brothers but I couldn't tell them because he told me not to tell or bad things would happen to me. One day he came over, and I told my mom that I was going over Taylor's but she wasn't there so I had to stay home.

My brothers were in their room playing with cars, and I was in my room playing brat dolls, and he came in my room, and was teaching me what sex was, then I remember him asking me to follow him to the bathroom so I could get my bath. As he shut the door and ran my bath water he started to take off his pants and told me to come over and hold his junk. I told him no but he didn't want to hear that. He made me touch it. So this went on for 3 more years, then suddenly my sister gets in trouble and we have to move.

I'm in third grade in a new school and my teacher knew something was wrong because I stayed to myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone, make new friends, or anything so she became my best friend: Haha.
I thought it was funny my only friend is a teacher; how lame? Because I'm so scared someone will find out, and judge me, and they will make fun of me I would be the laughing stalk of the school.

We had an assignment for making a mini book of your childhood to present to the class. I told her I didn't want to write it, and she asked me why?
I said "I was told I cant tell anyone or someone will hurt me." She took me straight to the guidance counselor.

They made me use Barbie dolls and show them what happened to me. After that, they called my parents. They came to the school and told me to tell them that I could trust them. They had a police officer there also.

I had to them that their own 4 year old daughter was molested for 4 years by their babysitter, that they thought they could trust. I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry that much they apologized to me like it was there fault, but how could they have known?
I didn't tell a soul, not even my diary, because I felt like he would have known it was about him.

After that very long day at school we went straight to the police station, and from there it got worse.

After many doctor appointments, specialist group counseling, l we found out that he moved to a different state, and there was nothing they could but put him on a list as a sex offender.

Many years past and I just wanted to forget, so I blocked it all out until I met my boyfriend of 4 years.

I was never open about my body. I was very shy. I had these depression stages where all I wanted to do was hurt myself; not kill myself, but I wanted to break bones in body so no one could find me beautiful. but no matter, it wouldn't hurt. I couldn't break anything no matter how hard I tried, then when he , the boyfriend, wanted to start getting sexual, it got worse.

I would get these weird flashbacks, I still do, and all I wanna do was cry.

My babysitter came back to where he originally was from, because my mom told me to be careful. I'm probably 16 years old now, 4 school district and only two friends.

I just got my license and car, and they told me I couldn't go certain places: I got upset because he took away my childhood and now he was going to ruin my teenage years too.

I never saw him, and I couldn't even remember what he looked like.

I found he died by a lake. He couldn't reach his inhaler fast enough. All I know is, I thanked God so much that day, and I think that is when I found peace for myself.

I'm still messed up in the head. I think I can never get the childhood I always desired.

I'm sorry if my story is a little mixed up or you cant understand: I get a little off track sometimes, but that is my story, and it took a lot for me open up, but I finally opened up and it feels good to get it off my chest.

 

[RussH]

Are you seeing a counselor ? If not, then I would suggest finding a good trauma counselor and start getting treatment. You can get better, but it will take time.
As for your molestor being dead: good.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hi I'm Timberly I'm 19 years old and this is my story. I remember it so clearly but only certain parts. I was about 4...

Dear Timberly,

First, please understand I mean well and I am not trying to pick on you. Please consider my gentle feedback. This was a long paragraph which you have posted. It helps us understand you better, if you edit into separate paragraphs and try not to use super long sentences. Maybe one of the mods can help you revise the post to make it more legible. I know it must have been hard to get those words out, and thank you for speaking up on the forum! It is hard to write that kind of post. You have got some serious guts!

Also, I wanted to say that I have a little in common with you, because something happened to me one time when I was 4 or 5 and I fully remembered it at the age of 21. I am now 23 and I have finally sought psychiatric treatment for PTSD very recently. Much of my PTSD is from medical adventures, but there was that thing that happened to me when I was little. I have not worked on it much yet. But you can private message me if you want to have a conversation with a smaller audience. You can invite anyone else too, if you like. I find conversations helpful when the topics are so sensitive. I would not feel comfortable elaborating too much out in public on the forum.

I hope you get some helpful responses. I will try to follow this thread and you can message me anytime.

 

[ladee]

Welcome MyStory ! So happy you got to share what is going on. That took a lot of courage. We do understand, and you are not alone. But as was suggested, hope if you are not already in Therapy, that you consider it. This is something we can not usually do by our self. Especially at the beginning. Glad you are here. join up and find out what the forums are all about.