How to handle an uncomfortable situaiton

[HoosierGal]

I need help handling an awkward situation that happen in the past week.
My therapist told me that while he was in church, a parishioner, "Vicky," approached him and said, "I know one of your clients!"

He told her, "you know I'm not allowed to discuss anything regarding my clients," and politely attempted to end the conversation.

Vicky then whispered, "Yeah, yeah, yeah...but its ______(my name)" and winked.

My therapist repeated that he couldn't discuss anything and then walked away. He told me this in session because he knows I have trust issues and wanted me to be aware that the situation had come up and that my name had been mentioned, but that he had refrained from divulging anything. He assumed that I knew Vicky and had told her I was seeing this therapist.

I DO know Vicky, she's my mother-in-laws best friend. However, I've only met her one, briefly, at a baby shower and have never, ever discussed PTSD or therapy with her. I told this to my therapist and expressed my shock that she would not only be told about my PTSD/therapy but that she would approach my therapist in church and call me out by name. Mostly, I felt that my mother in law had violated my trust. She is one of the few people I am very close to and feel I can talk to about my problems, and I feel a bit betrayed she would tell a third party this stuff - much less someone who is so...talkative.

I told my boyfriend about this and about feeling hurt by it. He and his father a therapists, they both understand what confidentiality means and could understand how this had been a violation of my confidentiality and and trust. My bf talked to his mom for me, he told her that I love having her as a confidant and feel hurt that she would tell her friend things I told her in private. She then called me to apologize, she felt terrible, and I easily forgave her. I know no harm was meant.

But I'm still feeling unable to trust my mother in law, and her best friend. I'm very selective in who I share my past and present problems with, and even after smoothing the situation over I feel irritated and unable to open up to people again.

I really feel I've done all I can to handle the situation, though. Hopefully time will smooth it out even more and it won't be a big deal. I realize this whole situation may sound petty to people reading it but advice would be appreciated :)

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think it sounds petty, I'd be on the war path over this. It's really amazing how stupid and clueless people can be. I guess it helps to realize that's all this was -- people being clueless. This Vicky woman sounds like she lacks both a brain and any sense of tact, but I'm sure she's harmless and maybe this was just her way of making herself feel important. As for your mother-in-law, that's a bit tougher. I'd be curious to know why she felt the need to discuss your therapy with a friend in the first place. But i guess all you can do is just not open up to her as much anymore.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You have done everything you can to handle the situation. In my quick opinion, you did great.
I know the feeling - I specifically asked someone that I thought could be trusted not to divulge information about me - and they did anyway.
I decided not to trust them anymore with that particular kind of information.

It´s good that she apologized but I think your sense of mistrust now is rightly so.
It´s up to you to feel it out, does it feel good to trust her again with certain information? If the answer is no, my advice would be to trust your own instinct.

 

[barefoot]

Doesn't sound petty at all - completely understandable that you feel shocked and hurt by it and that this has dented the trust with your mother-in-law. Also sounds like you've handled it in a very measured way - and it sounds like your mother-in-law is sincerely sorry.

How odd that she shared this info about you when her husband and son are both therapists, which would make me think that she would be even more aware than most about confidentiality and boundary issues. I'm sure she never expected her friend to approach your therapist in church and 'out' you. But that's not really the point!

It sounds like you've accepted your mother-in-law's apology and that you'd like things to go smoothly between you going forwards. Allow yourself whatever time and space you need to clearly put down any boundaries you want in place with her as you start to rebuild the trust again.

 

[Kintsugi]

I would find that wholly disturbing. Hell, I'd find it disturbing to even think of my T attending church... like a normal person... doing stuff that's not sitting in an office with me. ;)

I think you've handled this gracefully. I agree with Radise that you may want to feel out future trust as you go.

 

[Pencil]

I would fire that mother in law as a confidant immediately.

 

[HoosierGal]

My mother in law is a wonderful, caring woman. I genuinely believe she meant no harm. It turns out that while she told Vicky about some of my problems and PTSD (which, again, I dislike), it was Vicky who guessed I was in therapy with this person , because she knew him from church, and based on the clues MIL was giving her. So, in MIL's defense, she didn't actually tell Vicky the name of my T.

I really don't feel I want to become a person who gives up one someone after one mistake, and one they clearly feel awful about making. Many women confide in their friends, but most women don't expect their friends to go out and tell the world. I honestly blame Vicky more, and have asked my MIL to never repeat anything I say to her to this friend. MIL was in tears, continually apologizing and I believe these were genuine. She truly loved me as a daughter, and she and her family have literally been the most healthy relationships I've ever had. Having known her for 3 years now, nothing like this has EVER happened. Again, I'm not willing to sacrifice a relationship based on one mistake. I just needed to express my annoyance and vent. :)

 

[ladee]

You are amazing @HoosierGal !!! What a great attitude, and a big heart you have. It sounds as tho she it truly sorry. And you set your boundary with her. Vickie, on the other hand, I would avoid like the plague. Do you know whether or not you mil talked to her about this??? I would hope so.. the one not to be trusted here is Vickie...
And I appreciate your attitude toward your mil, she meant no harm. And you recognize this. You get a bucket full of 'atta girls', for being so mature with this situation. I don't think it will ever happen again in regard to your mil.... You handled this with grace. Very proud of you !!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I'd find another confidant and if you cannot find one or trust one, all I can say is that you CAN trust your therapist. That you know. If your therapist has given you email access, start emailing him when you need a confidant. Keep it not to the mother-in law, she too is clueless as far as I can see! And no, this is not petty at ALL!

 

[Mytime]

Not petty at all. You sound like a beautiful,wonderful person. I believe like you nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. I think I would have handled it a lot like you, except I would of asked Vicky.(is there something you would like to ask me?) Your mother in law sounds like she love you. Be proud of yourself. There is great Strength in forgiveness.

 

[HoosierGal]

Thank you for each of your replies.
Thank you especially to those who weren't quick to judge my MIL.
Yes, what she did was inappropriate. But her remorse is real, and I think it has caused her to realize a flaw that exists in her friend Vicky that she genuinely was unaware of to begin with. She has apologized numerous times and has assured me that she won't break my confidence again.

I'll admit, I was a little surprised that some would recommend immediately halting all confidence in my MIL. I just can't see one mistake, even one that is hurtful, bringing me to sever ties in a relationship that has meant so much to me and, until this one instance, helped me grow so much and trust so much. It was uncomfortable, and I need to get out those feelings and complain a bit :) But no one is perfect....and, at least I believe, there is a big difference between someone who is genuinly untrustworthy and someone who makes an isolated mistake and feels true remorse.

My birth mother hurt me in so many ways, as did my father. My MIL and FIL have healed so many wounds and have been a dream come true, with continual emotional and financial support. How sad would it be if I were to allow one mistake to alter this relationship that has been such a gift?

Again, I needed to vent, get out my feelings, etc. Thank you all for listening :)

 

[HoosierGal]

. Do you know whether or not you mil talked to her about this???

To answer your question, yes. As soon as we informed her that Vicky has been gossiping like that, my MIL, in tears, assured me she would be giving her a real talking too. I know she values her friendship with Vicky, but I also know she values her relationship with me more. :)