He Doesn't Love Me Anymore

[Beelady]

Its just so darn so difficult to believe that - he left me sweet love notes all the time and jumped right in with helping me with things. He wanted to get me a promise ring because he knows I was messed up after Ben did what he did. I went out and bought my own wedding ring to make me feel wanted in a way. I took it off finally when I met Tim and Tim really listened & helped. He made I love you gestures all the time. He hugged often. How can that not be real or go away so fast? I am not drowing myself in alcohol over this which tells me I am better too. I do hate what I did however there must be some hope this can be fixed.

I know I must be trying your patience Casey_03 - mine is gone with myself too. I want to drive to his house today so bad but dont want to make things worse.

 

[Sideways]

Argh! Tim this, Tim that, Tim The Perfect, I'm only perfect with Tim...'scuse me for one moment while I :banghead:

@ Beelady - I read your posts and I honestly don't think you're hearing much of what is being offered in replies...unless you can turn the repiy into more "How much can I hate myself". It's not helpful.

Thing is, it makes sense that you have a Compliment Filter given your history if abuse and trauma. But the constant circles about how perfect Tim is, and how imperfect you are really need to stop. And before you misinterpret me, that isn't criticism (what you're doing to cope right now is normal - unhelpful, but normal).

Take a breath, and maybe just put Tim to one side. You have too much other stuff to deal with, and Tim is just a way of avoiding dealing with the real issues for you, the harder issues, the ones that lead to recovery.

I won't tell you what to do, but I think you will start to make real progress if you just let the whole big Tim thing sit over in the corner for a while. No need to dump the relationship right now, but you can't fix it right now either, so just try and let it be an unresolved issue that you will come back to when the time is right. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you can't put Tim to the side for a while.

The thread you started about lost memories - THAT'S progress. That's the sort of thing that, as crap as it is, will actually start getting you somewhere. And if you're right (and everyone else is completely wrong...doubtful, but possible) and Tim IS perfect, then you need to start working on your own wellbeing and recovery, like, pronto, because your relationship (with Tim or anyone) doesn't stand a chance while you're carrying this much pain.

Take a Tim Holiday for a while. You're worth it. You deserve to feel better than you do.

 

[Beelady]

Thank you Ragdoll and everyone. I am hating listening to myself so am sure you are all feeling kinda the same when you see my posts. :wtf:

I am trying too go around my house and begin with making it my home. I started moving Bens stuff into the garage and am actually (whoa) doing laundry. I went to see my Dr and am looking at my blood pressure pills (I was 200/98 today - 41 yrs old and 130 lbs...its normal for me to be high however my Dr increased my dosage today) and now have Cyclobenzaprine for the chest pains, hydroxyzine ? for anxiety and a psych med I forgot to fill (and wonder if I should wait a bit). Either way I am trying. I keep praying about Tim however I'll work on me for now.

 

[Sideways]

Awesome! Hard work, crappy situation, but that's really great to hear all the same:)

 

[joeylittle]

I hate though that he is dealing with physical and emotional issues and is alone. I hate I did this to him

You didn't do anything to him. You are dealing with emotional issues too, and you are alone. Honestly - you need to interrupt this cycle of self-blame, cognitively. I don't think it's helping you.

How can that not be real or go away so fast?

Because relationships burn bright when they are new, and then they either start to dim, or they stay. You have only been with him for a short time. It's really possible - and I'm not saying this to be cruel - but it's possible that he's not the love of your life the way you are wanting him to be.

Either way - the only thing for you to do is figure out how to move your life forward. If he comes back, he comes back. You've apologized many many times, and now he has to decide whether or not to accept your apology.

 

[Beelady]

You all have been very helpful, Ive appreciated all of the responses, I really appreciate being able to come here to ask/talk. Its difficult being alone right now. My house seems so big and dark. My 24 yr old cat - Gandolph- passed in December and now that I am home I really notice his presence gone. (He moved to Tim's with me and passed at Tim's)
As far as Tim wanting space and all of that. He blocked me on FB too. A friend showed me he posted a pic of himself holding his ex and made a mention "It took a little time to see what I needed was here all along". That hurt quite a bit. Still hurts. Funny the numbness and shock when Ben passed is very similar to how I feel now.
I'm working though and going to visit a friend for supper. I hate myself for hurting him and I am hating him for not understanding that I had a meltdown and that is not the true me (or am I kidding myself?)

Ahh well... one step at a time, right?

 

[Casey_03]

I don't know, if he's already gone back to his ex, I somehow doubt that the breakup really had anything to do with you drinking a few beers that day. It seems more likely that he just used that as an excuse. So, it probably had nothing to do with you at all and there's just no reason to hate yourself.

 

[Beelady]

Thank you Casey_03

 

[Sideways]

How do I say this without it coming out wrong??? That really awful news, that you've broken up a relationship & he's being such an @rse about it, is REALLY good to hear! The catching up a friend part is amazing, because as awful as loneliness is, I'd be hiding from the world under my doona if it were me.

As for the negative self-talk, it's right royal crap, but it's probly gonna hang around for a bit. You can coexist and heal with those thoughts being there though, so don't let them hijack your healing.

And when you're ready, maybe think about a new kitten some time. My guinnea pig, anti-social little bugger that he is, is crazy helpful for me with just coping.

It's no carnival, but you can do this, and you are worth it:)

 

[FarAway2020]

I have to disagree with @EveHarrington here, or at least partly disagree. I agree t...

I was in a 15 year marriage that was verbally and emotionally abusive. He was a narcissist with OCPD (much different than OCD)...and it is has many similar traits to PTSD. You should check it out. It sounds more like the controlling a#*hole i was with.
I have my own issues from a long long time ago, and I'm still dealing with them also. I know that is part of the reason I choose these kinds of personality types.
I've learned with my PTSD soldier that I need time away from him as much as he does from me. We never go a day without talking, even bad days (maybe only a "goodnight"), or on missions...but I'm not there at his beckon call, and I let him know when I can't listen to him rant.
To be clear though...I don't EVER put my stress (or vent) on him. I know that will trigger him and he'll push away.
I love him-him me, but I'm finding by reading here, watching tutorials, and reading, that this relationship, if I want it (its important to remember that YOU can say NO too!) Will take a lot more work than a normal one and I have to sacrifice some of the "friendship" aspects that other people have.
I have found out that many people who think ( not been professionally diagnosed) they, or their loved one, has ptsd, they actually don't and are just really contolling.
I think your guy is a jerk, and a contolling jealous, man. Look up OCPD see if it fits? Never hurts to learn something new...
Whatever "it" is, at least it's not yours. You are not the problem. I pray you find peace.

 

[Beelady]

Thanks everyone. I am getting pretty mad at him for not having any compassion. I've also listened to my neighbors who were with me when I had my meltdown - I was honest with him on the phone. I think I blocked out stuff during my meltdown, not because of the 3 beers (from 2:00-7:00, I could not say I was seriously drunk) but acting weird because of the intense emotions being in the house, watching security footage, it also feels like April now and it just hit me hard. When I went to Tims I spoke to a friend on the phone the entire way - she can't believe I was drunk (she knows me well, has seen me drink a lot this past year after Ben died) and then walking into Tims with him being angry - I think I shut it out, thats why I have only pieces. Im not liking my head these days, however I wish Tim had some compassion to see it as it was. I have been moving forward (10 months and cleaning Bens stuff out of the house, removed my wedding ring and also changed my name back to my maiden name).

His loss. (I keep saying it though it hurts and I wish I were seeing his smile and having him hold me right now).

I hope his running to his ex blows up in his face. I kinda wonder if he is going to miss me in a few months. His loss.I was very very good to him. That day/night was awful however if he had a meltdown I would be there to help him up. I wish he would have been there for me :( A**hat

 

[Beelady]

How do I say this without it coming out wrong??? That really awful news, that you've broken up a...

I made myself shower and go to my friends for supper. She listened to me talk circles. It was good to get out. Tomorrow is paperwork and a viewing of a good friend. I am starting to get the emotion now that our friend passed. Weird how numbness can just take over. At least I didn't drive in too many circles today :) and I didn't lock keys anywhere...