Relationship Confused

[britty08]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and have no idea where to start so I'm just going to go with it. My fiance suffers from PTSD and says he will get help, but still hasn't. He was in the Army, Infantry paratrooper. Was in the war in Afghanistan. He has been out for about 10 years. I didn't know him then though. Anyhow, I don't know where to turn and I am very conflicted and down right lost. He has very aggressive bouts of rage and it's scary and unsettling. Last night was a prime example. It's like I try to reason with him and talk calmly and civil and he isn't satisfied until he works himself up into a state of angry, aggressive rage. He's 6'1 I'm 5' and if I try to hold him he pushes right through me, he breaks things, punches holes in the wall, kicks doors off the hinges. Then the low blows start. Name calling, etc. I'm new to all this and am the one that pointed out that I think he is suffering from PTSD. I'm just lost you guys. I don't know what to do. I can't explain it, but when things go south as they did last night..I feel a sense of loss bc he will stay in an off mood for weeks now. I have no one to turn to or speak with about this. Please, somebody, give me some insight and tell me what I'm supposed to do. I'm hurt emotionally and completely drained.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums!

II hope that this place helps

Thank you in advance @intothelight (I'm just assuming, as you are online) for moving

I recommend to check supporters and ptsd relationships sections of the forum.

Good luck and hugs if you accept

 

[BrokenWoman]

As a woman who was in a marriage for 16 years to a non PTSD sufferer and he acted exactly as you described above, my first advice would be for you to leave him. The reason I say this is because if he's acting that way now it will only get worse. I promise you.

My ex started out by throwing stuff, busting my windshield, holes in walls, doors, kicking my car doors in, etc. I married him anyway and it went from breaking stuff to hitting me. It really damaged me. In fact I just had surgery to repair my broken nose compliments of him. Forget the fact he has PTSD in all honesty that is irrelevant to me now if he's being violent.

I would in no way encourage you to marry that man. I'm not saying any of that to be mean but I'm saying it as a woman who has had the shit beat out of her for many years and I know just what it's done to me emotionally. You may love him but please love yourself more.

 

[Friday]

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

^^^^
This will help explain why the blow-ups happen. Explaining, however, is not justifying.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is a foot taller than me too, so I get it... size + strength + PTSD rage can be scary.

I don't ever try to hold him or contain him when he's having one of those moments. If he's going to break up his own stuff, he can go to town, but I'm staying out of arms length... Not that he has ever laid a finger on a hair of my head in anger. Even physically disabled, he's big and strong enough to put a real hurtin on me. For safety's sake, I don't tempt it. You have to protect yourself first.

@FridayJones posted a great link about the PTSD cup. I'd also suggest the supporter video series, especially the part about amydgala hijacks. Link Removed

 

[EveHarrington]

What are you supposed to do?

Keep yourself safe.

Nobody is worth risking your own personal safety for on an ongoing basis.

The behavior you describe is abusive. If he doesn't work on healing and seek professional help, the likelihood of this behavior changing is very small. That is, the underlying mechanisms must change and he needs help in order to make these changes.

If he refuses to get help, I advise leaving him.

 

[Casey_03]

How long have you two been together? And is there anyone else in his life who is also pushing him to get help?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@EveHarrington
Or risking mental health for a while, like I did with my last relationship, but now I'm out and feeling great :)

 

[Milo's papa]

@britty08, I agree with many of the other respoders here. You MUST take care of your self first. Your own safety is the most important thing for you to be concerned with.

That said, you might be able to find some help for him through a backdoor. Have you, (or he) ever been in contact with the Wounded Warriors Project? I know that they sometimes will attempt to get someone out to meet with PTSD sufferers to try and get them going on therapy. It's worth a try.

 

[BrokenWoman]

@EveHarrington
Or risking mental health for a while, like I did with my last relation...

That is great advice! Your mental health means a lot. My ex husband damaged me very bad emotionally. I still feel worthless but I'm growing and trying to heal. I felt like all I was good for was sex or to be hit. Didn't matter if I was sick or exausted or what I knew he'd be mean if I didn't comply. I've found myself after that relationship in a corner with a gun cocked to my head to just escape the anguish of feeling like I was worthless. It's is an amazing feeling to be out of that relationship.

 

[Milo's papa]

@BrokenWoman, I am so sorry you had to liive through such a thing. I have no idea why some people are so f**en cruel. Sometimes I wonder what they would think/feel if it happened to them.

Please take care, and no more guns for you young lady.

 

[joeylittle]

no more guns for you young lady.

I know you meant well by this statement, but I have to say: giving orders - even if well intended - isn't a very respectful way to communicate with a survivor of domestic abuse.