Was This Reasonable? Need A Detached Viewpoint.

[lostforgottensoul]

I described myself as a waste of skin.

If it helps any, you arent alone in that feeling. I say often that im a waste of air...

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

"Toxic to others" is my line...

 

[Sideways]

Hang on, fragile headspace working against you, so just in case, that's not me saying my negative self-talk is better or worse than yours...or anyone else's. Just throwing it in there to let you know, it's different, but the same. And it's awful.

Hope your head starts to ease up on you soon @Sandstone

 

[Ronin]

makes me think I'm just jumping on a bandwagon

Just because some people of similar background navigate toward similar places, doesn't make them jumping on a bandwagon or their histories less valid.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

You are not fragile @Sandstone you are incredibly brave and strong. You are working through some complicated, painful things. I see how this post started with a question that was really saying so much more than it seemed. You are bubbling under the surface like lava and its a scary feeling. I wonder what you would do with all that anger if you stopped turning it against yourself.
Some of the things I read in your posts make me so friggin angry and there are things I want to say but I think maybe they are things for you to say and for me to say them would only cause you pain you're not ready for. That I certainly do not want to do.
Keep writing, take what feels right and discard the rest. Step away when you need to and come back when you need to.
If you have a free library nearby check out some books on PTSD. If you find a therapist, perhaps this thread would be good to share if you can print it out.
Spring is on the way. Take some time to sit in the sun and just breathe, don't forget to give yourself a break once in awhile.

You are beautiful.

 

[Nevermore]

Glad you came back sandstone! I keep thinking about this thread and wondering if it's again the time we grew up in, the 70s, that make it hard to believe in ones own feelings/ trauma.
I don't know - it's just something I thought about. I remember feeling back then like it was kind of frowned upon.
I struggle with the same back and forth of feelings/ hating myself for feelings/blaming myself for events/ feeling worse.
Maybe it's just a human thing, nothing to do w growing up in that era, but they were "strange days indeed" and not much emotional intelligence around.
Anyway mainly I'm glad you came back!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe it's just a human thing, nothing to do w growing up in that era,

I think its that cuz i was born in '81 so was an 80s & 90s child & deal w/ all of that.

 

[Sideways]

Each generation is different, sure. But last time I checked, there wasn't any "unless you grew up in the 70s" exemption in the definition of abuse. Our heads look for reasons to minimse it everywhere we can, but in my book, abuse is abuse:tdown:

 

[Stickler]

@Sandstone your mom was really abusive, yes she was.
Psychological abuse can do tons of damage.
FWIW I don't do forgiveness very well. My mom was the less-abusive of my two parents, she's gone from somewhat abusive to very supportive. Her I forgave, she's more than earned it?
My dad hasn't done any sort of work...I'd like to get to a point where he does not matter, but I won't forgive.
I need to hate him...if I don't I hate myself more? So it works for me.

I think rooting out the internalized abuser is the hardest part.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm on the the next stage of the cycle now. It goes distress and pain, then self blame and loathing, then disbelief and detachment. Season liberally with overeating and when it is really bad with abuse of OTC drugs to ensure sleep and short term oblivion.

My thoughts this morning are just that I slept till nearly 9am, so that is less day to get through, and that none of this matters. It may be true or it may be something that I manufactured. I may be exaggerating perfectly normal stuff (normal for the 1970s?) or I may have had a difficult youth. I'm just detached from it.

I'm intellectually aware that there is almost certainly a problem that needs addressing, and that problem is best defined as (c)PTSD and possibly structural dissociation. But It doesn't feel real. Two days ago it did, but I can't access that. Yesterday I was - can't find the word - enough that I couldn't wash, dress etc. Today I'm thinking I'll do some domestic stuff. For those who get Structural Dissoc. the ANP is firmly back in charge, is interested mainly in cleaning windows, and has no real knowledge of me as fragile.

However, I'm also aware that this will come round again, so I'm going to risk investing some time in continuing to work on this thread. It is a bit of a risk, both because I am much more comfortable in this Apparently Normal state and because I am so unsupported at the moment. There is some stuff I've been working on about risk management and safety that I know I need to post elsewhere, so I may try to juggle in.

So that is a day plan. I shall alternate domestication, work on this thread, mindless reality TV and puzzles, a safety thread, maybe a bit of sewing. Step One, put clothes on.

 

[Sandstone]

Just need to check though, @Alice.in.Wonderland you said

Some of the things I read in your posts make me so friggin angry

I am right aren't I, that you aren't angry with me?

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Sandstone
No way am I mad at you. I actually feel a strong empathy and connection to many of the things you wrote and feelings you expressed.
I don't know if you are aware just how incredibly hard you are working right now.
The work is painful and you are struggling. It seems so much easier to minimize our experience and let others off the hook. In some ways it's more comfortable because we've lived with it for so long.
I think inside you there is a small part that says NO! You deserve to have your voice, you deserve validation and then there are the parts saying NO don't rock rock the boat. You might even fear losing your children if they take your mothers side if you speak out.

I am angry at both your parents and mine and the fact we have to go through what we are.

I admire you!