Was This Reasonable? Need A Detached Viewpoint.

[Sandstone]

anytime someone pounds our self worth, our personhood , if you will, into dust, we have it so instilled in us that our feelings or thoughts do not matter....You have nothing to compare it to. This is all you know.

You need to take your mothers message, which may have become your own and do what might be the hardest thing in life. Stop believing it and redefine a new belief in yourself.

T3 said to me that she hoped eventually her voice would replace my mother's critical voice in my head. maybe that is what lies behind the insistence that treatment for childhood trauma and neglect has to be long and slow. Maybe it takes a long time for those messages to be overcome.

It was a thing that was repeated to you, and you absorbed it, so it's automatically where you go - but just because it's automatic thinking doesn't mean it's right.

It is so hard to catch it in the moment isn't it? That is where a talent for keeping my life in compartments doesn't help. I don't think I even register it now as a message, it is part of my life structure. To oppose it is like saying I'm going to walk on the ceiling. I need to think about ways to catch it in progress.

 

[Sandstone]

Here is an applied example that maybe I could work on
Back in July 2014, I got blood test results that showed abnormalities in thyroid and kidney function. The GP didn't want to start thyroid supplements for fear of worsening my anxiety, and then all seemed to get forgotten. I only know the date because I posted about it here. (https://www.myptsd.com/threads/im-n...hat-can-happen-is-distress.45666/#post-730902)

A few months ago T5 picked up on it, and wrote to my GP asking for repeated tests. Again nothing happened (again confirming that I'm making a fuss, an inconvenience...) T5 then said she considered it was important to re-establish my relationship with the GP, as apart from anything else we might need her support in getting approval for specialist therapy. T arranged a meeting with her me and the GP, who said she couldn't understand why the tests hadn't been repeated as two doctors had annotated the letter asking for me to be contacted.
T also explained a bunch of stuff from my childhood that means I have no basis to judge whether something is worth taking to the GP

Those were the blood tests I had on Monday. The results should have been back today, and we agreed the GP would phone me if any action was needed.

Now, because I'm obviously making a fuss, I'm struggling with idea of chasing it up if I haven't heard by the middle of next week. My thinking goes " I might need the GP if I get really ill, so I can't make any more fuss or they will write me off"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The GP didn't want to start thyroid supplements for fear of worsening my anxiety

????? Hyper or hypo?

I have hypothyroidism & on thyroid meds & it doesnt increase anxiety. I dont even know im taking it other than my thyroid hormone being w/ in mormal range on a blood test.

I have 4 nodules on my thyroid, 2 are bigger & growing & im supposed to have it biopsied but havent. Thyroid was functioning fine & i had anxiety, stopped producing enough hormone (worried that it has to do w/ the nodules) & so went back on thyroid meds & no difference.

Maybe theres a difference in hyper or hypo but Leverthroxine does nothing to anxiety levels.

Now, because I'm obviously making a fuss, I'm struggling with idea of chasing it up if I haven't heard by the middle of next week. My thinking goes " I might need the GP if I get really ill, so I can't make any more fuss or they will write me off"

I would try to get away from that idea. If you were going in for no reason all the time, maybe, but i cant even see it then for most GPs. And my health is HORRIBLE for somone my age so to say the least ive been to many GPs.

 

[Sideways]

@Sandstone - your thinking pattern with your gp? I'm recognising that survival skill your brain learned when you were young, the "shut up and cope" survival skill. Pops up everywhere, right?!

Thanks brain, but that strategy isn't helpful anymore - I actually do need to get my thyroid sorted out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks brain, but that strategy isn't helpful anymore - I actually do need to get my thyroid sorted out.

Haha! Indeed! The thyroid does a ton.

 

[Sandstone]

But I keep thinking that the GP has already said she doesn't want to start me on anything, so it obviously isn't anything that matters. (The thyroid is under active)
And if any of it mattered they would have followed it up, so I must be making a fuss and being over demanding. I'm actually more worried about my kidneys, but again, it has been 18 months and if it mattered they would have done something. I'm so afraid they will be angry if I pester them.

As a small child I was taken endlessly to the doctors for conditions I didn't have. Then my mother got a job at a GP surgery and realised what a nuisance people like her were. From then on I wasn't allowed to go at all, but she developed a weird conviction that I had TB, and still sometimes mentions it. So as well as the "don't make a fuss" I find it hard to take an objective view of what is enough to go to the GP or is too trivial to count. Most things go away if you ignore them, and if they don't then they have been there too long to feel justified in raising them.

I know I should just pull myself together and act rationally, but I'm not sure what rational looks like in this context.
so saying

I would try to get away from that idea.

Thanks brain, but that strategy isn't helpful anymore - I actually do need to get my thyroid sorted out

doesn't help in itself, because I'm not sure I do need to, or what would be a way to ask without antagonising them


I'm sorry, I know this is a long boring whinge.

 

[Sideways]

But I keep thinking that the GP has already said she doesn't want to start me on anything, so it obvio...

That's cool - my gp gives me referrals to specialists all the time & I hate doctors, so I run it by my shrink: "do I reeeally need to get the tumor in my liver scanned?" (Yep, I really asked that!)

You're allowed to go to your GP and ask, "do I need to do anything about this?" GPs here in Oz will leave it to the patient to follow things up, even sometimes when it's quite serious.

Your underactive thyroid? That causes stuff like weight gain, lethargy & hypersomnalence, muscle fatigue & (drum roll) depression!! It can often be easily treated with a pill. Worth a trip back to your GP to follow up on that:)

As for your kidneys, that's definitely not one you want to leave unchecked. Even if you only end up with a simple kidney infection, wowsers, I can tell you that you really don't want that. Kidneys are one of the ones you want to take care of.

I always tell my GP that I have "an anxiety condition" and that I'm not into unnecessary meds, and when they hear that, they will often cut the cr@p and tell you straight what's essential, and what you can afford to let run its course.

You are definitely not wasting your GP's time with these ones:)

 

[ladee]

I know I should just pull myself together and act rationally, but I'm not sure what rational looks like in this context.
so saying

Apparently I don't know how to do QUOTE... :oops:
But this is some awesome insight @Sandstone.... we are told or suggested that we do certain things, but in reality, we don't know what it looks like, or feels like ... we have nothing to compare it to. I shared recently about going from calm to rage in a matter of seconds... When my T shared other things to do first, I told her I had no idea what she was talking about... she then drew a line on a white board.. one end said upset, the other end said rage... then on the line she wrote other feelings that led up to rage... I was so excited.. someone showed me what I had no experience with....so with all that rambling , you have made an great discovery... you don't know what rational looks like in regard to your physical health..... Just in a few days Sandstone, we have seen you make some awesome progress !!! Hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable or that now you are expected to stay the course, because this is not how our recovery works... but I did want to point out that you are making discoveries.... you have a lot of 'cheerleaders' in your corner , wishing you well and happy .... just awesome to read your progress.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Forgiveness - that is a big issue.
Bugger, now I'm shivering and have tingling all down my jaw and ne...

@Sandstone
Forgiveness is a word that is brought up a lot. For me acceptance is what I find that makes it easier to let go.
Accepting I can't change the past or what happened. Accepting it DID happen and it was not my fault. Accepting that some people are who they are and I will never get what I want or need from them. I don't have to accept their truth only my own. I had to accept that walking away was best for me.
I owe nothing and expect nothing.
Now forgiving myself for mistakes I have made as an adult that I need to work on.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I keep thinking that the GP has already said she doesn't want to start me on anything, so it obviously isn't anything that matters.

You have TON of negitive thinking patterns around being a bother, making a fuss, making people upset (also my trigger), "abuse was minors" (quotes cause it was not) etc.

Try this, just try it...but you have to keep it very simple. It works, just give it a try:

http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/thought-records.htm

Its the changing negitive thinking patterns CBT site that JL gave me and IT WORKS! But you have to:

1. Write it down
2. Keep it very simple
3. Go to the end with it
4. Be willing and open!

You need to see that what you are thinking and saying to yourself is negitive thought patterns and NOT the truth or reality!

I dont have the negitive core belief article that Anthony gave me on bookmarks anymore as I went all "I hate this site, f*ck 'em all" for a bit...not true, just something i went through so I deleted all the articles off bookmarks but its on the site, in the articles. I have the process memorized but im struggling w/ it so ive been trying to do the negitive thought patterns & my DBT workbook first.

My DBT workbook (the one my therapist has) is AWESOME, its here:
Dead Link Removed

Its for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness but im sorta stuck at the moment. It would be good too but the CBT thought record is something im seeing thoughtout all your posts would help & its free but you have to be willing to accept that the way you think is first negitive and second incorrect.

Anyway, just thought id give you something that could help.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Sandstone
A couple of things to think about.
That your mother ran you to the doctor endlessly for things you didn't have and then once she was on the other side of the desk, decided you didn't need to go at all because she had a job on the other side of the desk and thought it was now an annoying thing to do, is totally narcissistic behavior.
It also sent you a very mixed message about when it is appropriate to go to the doctor.
Those who live with a narcissist are greatly affected and there is a guy on YouTube who is a great watch regarding narcissism. I will post his name when I get home.
Those with PTSD often have physical pain that inexplicably comes and goes. There are lots of physical symptoms and when one goes to the doctor, they can't find anything. I go through this but now at least I know why. There is a great book called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van de Kolt. I think you would get a lot from it.
I don't know your financial situation but if you can't buy it perhaps you can get it from the library.
I can't emphasize enough the importance of educating yourself.

 

[Sandstone]

can't answer again, grappling with seeing someone attacking every time my hair swings into view, and the shrivelling flesh and stabbing thing in the kitchen. Everything feels like an attack right now.