Supporter Learning & Support - Need Advice!

[LostintheNavy]

You haven't failed him. I've learned to say things in a way that doesn't ask questions. Questions seem to...

I haven't seen him in 4 days. I just worry.

Our communication has been little to none so I think I'll shoot him a text later just to check in...

 

[LostintheNavy]

When is it PTSD? When is it him being an immature jerk? I'm sorry...

I can't stop thinking that he is drifting away because he just doesn't like me anymore....

Feeling really low today. Told him I missed him and got no reply. Not sure how to handle this...

 

[Atomic]

I think you have to give it time. I don't get responses to I miss you, either.

Aside from my initial panic phase which lasted about 4 weeks from him withdrawing and shutting down, I've gotten myself into a good, strong place now. It's sort of like acceptance. We have always been close and instinctually knew what to say when. I can be in the middle of writing a rant and just before I hit send, a message will come from him and I'll delete, delete, delete. So I'm hoping that me now being in this calm, accepting space, that that will find its way to him. Less pressure from me = him being more open.

Everybody is different, but if you could try and get a good hold of yourself and lose the need (for now) to require validation from him then that would probably be helpful. You're not being emotional and he's not getting a vibe that you need something from him. He has nothing to give at this point, he can't even give it to himself.

I really do know how hard it is, and I hope this helps. Time, time, time.

 

[Atomic]

Oh I forgot this - this will always be a part of him. So if you're planning on a long term relationship, then find your stride now because it is likely to happen again.

I've done a lot of crying and had time off work. I've cried on my mother's couch, at work, in the car, in the coffee shop, sitting by myself on the verandah in the wee hours, to my best friend on the phone, here. It's awful, but I'm getting there.

 

[LostintheNavy]

Well....

Tonight, J decided to walk away from us, our relationship.

I'm a wreck. I tried so hard to reason with him. I feel like he never gave me a chance. Never let me be there for him. He just assumed that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Told me I deserved somebody stable who "wasn't about to go off the deep end."

I don't want anybody else.
I want to be the one there for him. I want to be the one who comforts him when he has a bad day.

I'm lost right now.
It doesn't seem real that things are over.

 

[Atomic]

(((Hugs))). I've been through that too, twice, over the past 9 years. But we never really forgot one another. Granted, I didn't understand it was ptsd in the past, he wouldn't ever let me see it. He would just cut me off and I'd be exactly like you wondering wtf just happened. I would get so angry and wonder how he could just make a unilateral decision about 'us' without my input. I was so infuriated by that. Sometimes a couple of years would go by with no contact, but we always seemed to find one another again.

Maybe it's not over for you yet, maybe it is. I wanted to say I'm really sorry this has happened and know how gutted you feel. :(

 

[Sighs]

I tried so hard to reason with him

Reasoning with PTSD is futile. :(

I want to be the one who comforts him when he has a bad day.

I've learnt the hard way that I cannot comfort him. No amount of love and care will take away his trauma or his PTSD. :cry:

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[LostintheNavy]

Keeping hope that one day he'll reach out to me again. Until then...I just wish him the best. Thank you all for the love and support.

PTSD is a bitch and I'll never forgive it.

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you're having a really hard time. We have a strong supporters section here with people who've been where you are and have excellent support and advice. I hope you find what you need here.,

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums

 

[LostintheNavy]

UPDATE:

We had prior plans of attending a hockey game next week. Today, he messaged me asking if I would like to go as friends. Obviously, I said yes (as long as he was comfortable with it) because I have not seen him in x amount of days.

My question now is; is it ok to ask him how he is doing when I see him or just keep the conversation light and about hockey?

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum

I, myself would not bring it up. If he wants to talk about it he will. You bring it up, your taking a chance on inviting his dark feelings. He wants to be your friend. So be his friend and enjoy the game with him.