I've had a lot of bad experiences in mental health. One, I'm a goth, and I've had a lot of practitioners...
Hello Sunset,
A lot of practitioners will tell you that they understand PTSD and trauma. I have recently talked to one that told me, "Oh yeah. We have to take CEUs every year to keep our licensing. I took a couple of courses on PTSD."
Riiiiight. I trust you with my frailties because you had a week long seminar on classic PTSD symptoms.
I'm not goth, but I'm gender non-conforming. I've had some similar issues in the past, but never been quite held hostage by a pdoc because I didn't want to use them anymore. Usually they quietly let you transfer to another practitioner, especially if you say things like, "This relationship just isn't working out for me. I'm not progressing." The trick is that they are going to want to transfer the records to another practitioner. Especially if you've been hospitalized in the past, and they still see elements of the suicidal ideation. A decent practitioner can look beyond mere clothes, but they're going to evaluate your mannerisms.
You need a trauma therapist. They are difficult to find. Start here:
isst-d International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation Google it because it won't let me put the URL in
There's a find-a-therapist link on that page. They are usually decently trained to deal with real PTSD, not garden variety depression/marriage counselors that will hang PTSD out on a shingle because they think they could handle a PTSD patient. These posers usually can't, and they can't really understand the underlying elements that help you cope with the things that aren't ever meant to be coped with by a human.
Another method: Find a dedicated psych trauma unit in your area, find out who is running it, and contact them for a referral.