Relationship Ptsd Sufferers Who Have Cheated On Their Partners, I Have Questions For You...

[Deleted member 17302]

you could maybe point at self-destruction. But it's the same as saying that using butter as opposed to shortening in the cookies led to me eating the pan of cookies

For me, yes the ingredients do change how many cookies I will eat which could be all of them, none of them, or just a few. So...

Variables in a person DO change what they do. Increased stress for instance DOES make people do things differently and perceive differently. To say otherwise is sorta not reasonable at all.

Considering variables in PTSD do very different things than most people encounter in their life DOES make it something to put into a PTSD focus, otherwise PTSD relationships would not be a part of the forums at all.

 

[joeylittle]

Considering variables in PTSD do very different things than most people encounter in their life DOES make it something to put into a PTSD focus, otherwise PTSD relationships would not be a part of the forums at all.

Sure: but you are very specifically limiting this conversation to infidelity, and what people are trying to tell you is that infidelity is far more likely to have non-PTSD reasons, than to have PTSD reasons.

Increased stress for instance DOES make people do things differently and perceive differently. To say otherwise is sorta not reasonable at all.

Not quite: increased stress does not make anyone do anything. Semantic, but relevant. Unless a person has a pathology, they are still making choices. I'm stressed; I drink a bottle of wine. My stress did not make me drink the bottle. My stress created a situation where I needed a coping mechanism, and I magnified my traditional coping mechanism (glass of wine) into an oversized one (bottle of wine).

Or I could be under so much stress that I feel desperate and don't know what to do in order to escape my stress. Even then, I think I'd need a past predeliction to sex as a means of coping in order for sex to become my coping mechanism. Or a different issue that gave me the belief that intimacy was the solution to stress.

People cheat because of many reasons normally and two of those are feelings of distrust of their partner and feelings of not being loved or desired.

Not sure about the trust one. And I'd spin the second one to say: that their own desires are not reciprocated in a satisfying way.

 

[Friday]

Cheating isn't a symptom of PTSD. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism some people use to deal with symptoms; just like drinking, drugs, fighting, thrill-seeking, cutting, self harm, etc.

That said, have I done it? Yes. My answers to these Q's are only going to apply to me, however. One grain of sand on the beach, down ;)

Spoiler: Q&A

__________________________________
1. Why did you cheat on your partner?
Sex. Right there, right then. Impulse & acted on it.

2. Did your partner find out?
Yep.

3. How did your partner find out?
I told them.

4. Did you feel bad for cheating?
Yes.

5. Did you blame your partner for your cheating? (If yes: Why and did you come to realize that you can't blame your partner for your wrong doing of cheating on them, and how did you come to that conclusion?)
Nope. My decisions, my actions, my inactions, & my responsibility. Had nothing to do with them.

6. Did you stop cheating on your partner for good?
That's the only time I've ever cheated on anyone.

7. How did you stop cheating, and how long did it take for you to go from cheating behavior to never wanting to and actually not ever doing it again?
Most basically, by not doing it again. It's a dick move, and a betrayal, and it's not something I was willing to do again, nor am I willing to do. ((Which isn't to say I'm not more than willing to pull other dick moves, just not this particular one.)) Capable of? Clearly. I didn't know I was before that. Once I learned I was, I made a choice not to anymore. I accomplished that several different ways. First, by refusing to get into relationships with people. I wasn't commitment phobic. I was commitment averse. Wasn't going to do it. I don't promise things I can't -or don't want- to deliver. Later, by very clearly laying out rules. I keep my word. Period. If I'm in a committed relationship with someone? I don't step out on them. Prior to this, I got in relationships very carelessly. After this, I was explicitly up front & direct. If I was just f*cking around? I said so. If I wanted to be in a relationship, with all that entails? Ditto. Something I've learned about myself, is that all of my true limits are self imposed. And that most of them are learned by crossing them. If I don't think I'm capable of something? "I would never"? Nope. I choose not to, and accept the consequences of that choice. Big difference. All "not capable" usually means is that I've yet to find the right provocation.

8. How did your partner trust you again / what things did you do to regain your partners trust?
Nada. We broke up.

9. How long did that take to get even a tiny bit of trust back to where things were you both could love each other comfortably?
Doesn't apply, as we broke up. I can, however, quote textbook sex & sexuality research (aka go grab any sex & sexuality academic textbook... Shit ton of studies done on the effects of cheating & adultery), which has the average for complete recovery from adultery, whether reconciling or divorcing, at 2-5 years past the last incident. Any new incidents, or new information on old incidents, tends to reset the clock if reconciling, although not if divorcing. But that's for complete recovery. Even a tiny bit of trust? IDK. I would however, suspect from the moment one chooses to reconcile, but perhaps not.

 

[Fadeaway]

So I am sorry if this reply or thread offends you, but it is intended to fact find for a very specific focus that has been detailed by the title and questions.

I don't believe anyone claimed to be offended, just that the connection you are trying to make is a fallacy.

@joeylittle is putting it into words far better than I could ever hope too.

 

[Recovery4Me]

So I am sorry if this reply or thread offends you, but it is intended to fact find for a very specific focus that has been detailed by the title and questions.

Perhaps such informal research keeps a feeling of connection to your partner while expressing underlying anger at the pain of betrayal and that of PTSD. Again, I hear your pain but I do not believe these answers will heal you or assist you in moving forward in whatever manner that you choose. Yet, to each their own journey.

People cheat because of many reasons normally

However, on a mental health board... some titles or questioning is kinder than others. There are several sites that specialize in cheating. I do not see infidelity promenaded among this board within your specific line of questioning nor Dale Carnegie handing out any awards for bonding content. But I do see your pain in letting go. (((hugs)))

Many of us wish to be here for you but perhaps there are alternatives for some consideration.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Ok I'm going to take a deep breath before I reply. And I hope you do to with me.

I am going to guess, th...

PTSD sufferer cheated and cheating in general is a confusing thing to do at all but have done some research into reasoning of the cheater and wanted to see how PTSD complicates the reasoning and why I see a huge uptick in PTSD sufferers cheating vs people without the PTSD condition. I can assume reasons but it is best to get perspectives from the actual people that have done such actions to see their reasoning. This has happened more than once but always seems to happen at exactly the same times of year. Gets super strange around holidays and beginning of year when the trauma happened. Like a 5 month hell then heaven comes back. Less terrifying most times but this time was a perfect storm of stress and no medication being taken. An enormous amount of stress that would destroy most relationships that don't have either partner suffering from a stress disorder.

I appreciate your kind words. I know that it isn't my fault and would be offended if she were to claim it was my fault. She claimed even as our arguments happened after discovery of the events that I was not the problem and she herself wasn't quite sure why she was doing it other than she couldn't feel my love and felt no trust either for the last few months and didn't realize or couldn't realize that it was her PTSD being triggered from holiday and other stressors. So she just felt like she had to bail and had other reasons but wasn't sure how to look at it. It was interesting to see her fight with herself over what she had done and why and what she wanted to do. Kept going from wanting to fix things to wanting to leave over and over again. The instability of her actions drove me nuts and so I said just leave. I didn't want her to leave and I didn't want to be a doormat either. Apparently cheaters have a difficult time understanding why they do it and how to stop doing it. The blogs and comment sections on them are filled with this issue and to me it seems insane but we all have some kind of issue and it seems that many times it is deep seeded reasons that have to be pulled out and examined and worked on. Somewhat like substance abuse or gambling addictions.

Just want to understand better so I don't have a complete scorched earth viewpoint on it if it really is something more complicated than it seems to me. Lying and cheating both baffle me but many very good people even lie for no good reason and that is confusing and upsetting to me. So understanding helps me see and react more reasonably and with more grace and understanding.

Thank you for your kind words and reply.

 

[joeylittle]

How did your partner trust you again / what things did you do to regain your partners trust? How long did that take to get even a tiny bit of trust back to where things were you both could love each other comfortably?

Sorry - I just find this topic provocative.

You are carrying a bias into your questions: that bias is the belief that the person who cheated was wrong to do so, and that the person this wrong was inflicted upon is the other partner. It's very black-or-white, and I'm not sure that both people on either side of an infidelity equation would see it this way.

If you wanted to open up your questions a little more, you'd get more relevant info (probably) if you asked: "When and why have you done something that you believe to be wrong? Did you know it was wrong before you did it, or after? Were you able to make reparations? How much do you think your behavior was influenced by your mental illness?"

Some questions:

why I see a huge uptick in PTSD sufferers cheating vs people without the PTSD condition.

Where do you see this uptick?

This has happened more than once but always seems to happen at exactly the same times of year. Gets super strange around holidays and beginning of year when the trauma happened.

That's not a mystery, is it? Trauma anniversaries and holidays are hard.

and she herself wasn't quite sure why she was doing it other than she couldn't feel my love and felt no trust either for the last few months and didn't realize or couldn't realize that it was her PTSD being triggered from holiday and other stressors. So she just felt like she had to bail and had other reasons but wasn't sure how to look at it. It was interesting to see her fight with herself over what she had done and why and what she wanted to do. Kept going from wanting to fix things to wanting to leave over and over again.

What people say and what they think can be two different things. This is why a counselor is really important in relationship re-building. All I told my partner, for awhile, was that I was sure it was me, I didn't understand what my problem was, it was probably my depression, and about half the time I was trying to make it work and the other half I just wanted out. But, the actual truth? I was unhappy with him - I just was afraid to say it, because of how big his reaction would be, and because I wasn't ready to leave and never come back. I was getting there, but wasn't ready.

Apparently cheaters have a difficult time understanding why they do it and how to stop doing it. The blogs and comment sections on them are filled with this issue and to me it seems insane but we all have some kind of issue and it seems that many times it is deep seeded reasons that have to be pulled out and examined and worked on. Somewhat like substance abuse or gambling addictions.

Yes - when it's pathological. Don't mix up pathology and normal human behavior. Compulsive cheaters have a compulsion, and it's very like an addiction. Normal people have a bad relationship, and then things can start to unravel.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Somewhat like substance abuse or gambling addictions.

More akin to that of sexual addictions. Perhaps sites along this vein may assist better for research on cheating.

 

[Friday]

More akin to that of sexual addictions. Perhaps sites along this vein may assist better for research...

There are sites devoted to infidelity, too, as well as sex addiction. Some with really solid science in their own niche. Of course the über annoying thing about most of them, even the otherwise solid science, is the tendency for every 3rd person to claim to have PTSD from being cheated on "because" of intrusive thoughts and mild anxiety symptoms and totally reasonable trust issues for awhile given the situation. :wtf: ((Aka nowhere near meeting diagnostic criteria even if we just sort of ignored the foundational criterionA piece)) ...but wait they were "cured" of their PTSD by blah blah blah pop psych nonsense blah blah blah in about 2 years blah blah blah :banghead:

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you please indicate where you're seeing a large uptick in cheating amongst PTSD sufferers? I believe sample size and personal bias could possibly be at play perhaps? If you're googling "PTSD and cheating" then yes you will see the evidence you're looking for. Are you seeing a lot of evidence for PTSD increasing cheating via stories on this site? (I'm not.) Do you personally know a lot of people with PTSD? (I'm guessing no.) I have PTSD and I've known a number of people with PTSD. Yes, it's a small sample size, but none of us are cheaters. If anything we (those I personally know with PTSD) are avoiders and don't even get to the commitment stage (so "cheating" isn't even a possibility.)

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Can you please indicate where you're seeing a large uptick in cheating amongst PTSD sufferers? I b...

Two therapists, this forum alone, other websites when doing research, etc.

 

[Casey_03]

I cheated once but it had nothing to do with my PTSD. Ultimately, I was deeply unhappy in the relationship and the relationship itself had become toxic. I never went back and it's not even something I regret. I do realize now that it would have been better to just end things and that cheating was my way of ending things. At the time, though, I guess I didn't really realize how unhappy I was with that person. So, I would say cheating really has nothing to do with PTSD, it has to do with being unhappy in the relationship. One can be unhappy in the relationship for myriad reasons, and yes, PTSD can cause that in some way if it is not treated -- but I agree with everyone else that it's a fallacy to say the PTSD somehow makes people cheat. You mention this forum as a place where you see an uptick in people with PTSD cheating -- I don't think that's true, or you're just not reading closely enough into what people write. Yes, I have noticed a lot of new female supporters posting about their PTSD suffering-combat vets cheating, but these are new relationships, almost always, as a rule. The men seem to be not so much serial cheaters as "players" who are actually never seeing only one women to begin with. That's a whole different beast. They're not in long-term relationships and then going out and cheating; they're dating multiple people at once, probably as a way to distract themselves. That's the only kind of "cheating" I ever see on this forum. I think further evidence of this is the fact that no one has replied to this thread the way you wanted them to. So, clearly there's not a huge uptick if responses are flooding in with people validating your theory.