Childhood Dear "mom"....

[lostforgottensoul]

Dear "Mom":

I don't think you deserve to be called 'mom' though that's what I called you and still do, you don't deserve it and I can feel right now at the pit of my stomch that I hate you, I hate you more than word could ever express! How dare you give birth to me and then do what you did! How dare you try to turn me into the boy you lost and then punish me because I wasn't!

In grade school you made me dress as a boy and cut my hair short. I don't know when that started as I have a picture of around age 4 in a dress and long hair but somewhere you decided that I was supposed to be him. I was severely bullied for that! And because I wasnt him you hated me. Well the feeling is mutual!

You watched him, you saw him take me into that van, and smiled. Whom would do that to a 6 yr old? Whom would just knowingly allow their boyfriend/lover/affair do that to your 6 yr old?

I looked to you to reassure me that what he was telling me at age 9 was correct, you assured me that his "bible" was correct and that I was this "demon child chosen by god to be the sexual sacrafice for all men". I didnt understand, I didnt know there was a video camera and I didnt know why strange men were coming in to do what "daddies were supposed to do" as your lover said. I didnt understand.

You were supposed to protect me, you were supposed to love me and you hated me, you hated everything about me and so I hated me!

How in the f*ck did you turn from this "good christian mother" to THAT? How does someone turn like that?

You didnt turn that much did you? I remember flashes of being little and trying to run over stray cats. Its not a far leap to killing them yourself, but why in the hell did you have to force me to do it? You know that I now hate myself so much and punish myself so often for that? Do you know that their screams will never leave my head? Or do you even f*cking care?

I doubt you care about anyone but you! You showed me pictures of the 'product' of an abortion, reminding me of what I was supposed to be. You convinced me that I shouldnt be alive and should be grateful for finally being "allowed" to eat, after you kicked me down with dog food and eating out of the garbage but that didnt come for free did it? I was 12, I couldnt work but one way and you made sure that I had plenty of "work".

Being punished and broken down, being made to do things that i havent even written them on here because im so ashamed and then punishing me for "taking your man" because your 50 something husband was having sex with me at age 12, you thought it a fitting punishment to put boiling hot water or bleach or some other boiling chemical in me. Do you know I still do that today for being a "whore"?

Forcing me to have sex with dogs, i was an animal anyway you said, and because i couldnt stop the orgasm though i tried so hard to, i had to do it more. Do you know that though i didnt want to, i did that as an adult? I never knew why, I just knew "god said to". f*ck you for that!

Being cut inside of me, constantly, several, many times a day for saying something wrong, doing something wrong, looking at someone wrong, refusing to do the rituals, everything, just existing, do you know that is also the most common punishment i do today even if i just make someone upset, "i must be punished" my brain says.

Tied to the bed, over 40 men back to back until I couldnt walk. You didnt care, you laughed saying "oh she waddles".

Then when you THOUGHT i got pregnant at 14, you didnt even make sure, i feel i should of at least stolen a peg test but didnt, I blame myself for that...i didnt have a chance before you put a BBQ fork up me and push and push and push until you both were satisfied that if there was a living being in me, there wasnt anymore. Do you know "it" had a name if it existed? Jeramiah Taylor and Alison Rose (and that name was named after you...why i dont know).

Now I cant have children like I always wanted. You couldnt even be decent enough to force me to abort the 'correct' way!

Killing animals, prostituting, being punished and being broken down, being convinced that if i was taken away then i would go somewhere worse and that my dad knew and didnt care, being 'programmed' that today still plays over and over in my head until I want to die just to make it shut the f*ck up!

Today i dont even own my own f*cking brain. It works automatically. I dont know why i do the rituals, the punishments, i hate myself now more than anyone ever could and have had 28 suicide attempts when wishing so f*cking bad that i would of used the loaded gun you gave me the kill myself with. Ive wanted to die my entire life because of you and your pathetic husband!

I was running, running from you and him at 18, i had no life skills, i didnt know how to live in the world and even today i need to teach myself like im a 2 year old....but I had to get away and because of that I never had a chance to go to school. If i would of gone at 18, I would be making so much more now but i had to run from you and your cult!

I hate you more than words could ever express. Its confusing because you are my mother but in reality, you arent a "mom" at all! And I hate myself for being confuaed about it...but hate is all i feel right now for you!

I have to teach myself such basic things thats is sad that i have to even have to. My teeth are rotting due to not being "allowed" to brush my teeth and this barely even expresses the rage inside of me but I wanted to say that I was able to stop one ritual, I was able to stop the dog thing. I never wanted to f*cking do it to begin with and now have that victory. So you and your dead husband and YOUR f*ckING CULT CAN KISS MY ASS!

I hate you, how dare you even call yourself my mother! Telling the entire family that im lying. I wish i were. Stupid psyopath bitch!

 

[Sideways]

:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Whew....

All i can say right now. Not even a fraction of the raw rage ive tapped into but if i do more of these maybe, just maybe that aim will move?

Its not as boiling in the pit of my stomach, not as much anyway...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Shaking and wanting to cut, im glad i did that right before bed...i'll fall asleep before i have time to cut but that shows the strong emotions that are there. Have no clue how to work my way through it all but this is a good start i think.

Now just to read it to my therapist and get through it....

 

[Forgetful]

WOW!!! That's a great start, congrats!!

It breaks my heart all the shit you endured. No child should EVER go through all of that. I know we shouldn't compare but I must be such a wuss for being diagnosed. Keep working at your recovery as hard as you are because it's working. I've seen progress with each new thread. You are a good person! You are a strong person! You proved that just by physically surviving and getting away from their evil. Now it's time to reclaim your mind, your soul, your feelings, your dignity!

I don't know your whole story yet because I haven't read your diary yet. I'd like to but when I started to I saw you mention it was graphic and I stopped. Deep down I know that there are real evil people in the world but when it involves a child I have a very hard time hearing about it. My anxiety increases, I get physically ill, my brain goes on vacation and I can't find my words.

I can feel your rage. I'M that woman does not deserve the title of mother or mom. The best I could think of is female human that reproduced (not even sure about the human part though). It's not you that needs to be punished! Please keep working on a way to stop. You deserve better. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you for all your kind words! :hug:

And im sorry it took so long to reply, i fell asleep in the middle of replying to you.

I know we shouldn't compare but I must be such a wuss for being diagnosed

No, dont think that. Oddly i still cant see my past as my therapist's word "horrible" (though i think im getting closer) but regardless, abuse is abuse is abuse & truama is trauma is trauma & suffering is suffering is suffering. You are anything but a wuss! :hug:

Keep working at your recovery as hard as you are because it's working. I've seen progress with each new thread.

Thank you! I think others outside of me can see progress better than I can; though this 'letter' is def progress and is so long over due!

I was thinking in the shower yesterday morning (see, i do my best thinking in the shower lol) that there should be at least 2 more letters (though i may write another one to her; unsure) but one should be written to my step dad and one to 'the cult' in general which include all the others. I think if i do those, that not only will rage turn but it will be expresssd and hopefully out of me.

You are a good person! You are a strong person! You proved that just by physically surviving and getting away from their evil. Now it's time to reclaim your mind, your soul, your feelings, your dignity!

Thank you! :hug: (though i wanna argue with you about the good and strong part i wont ;)).

When I ran at 18, I ran into the house of another abuser (husband of the family) and since they still had control over me, my mom & step dad still had me prostituting at times and the husband knew that and said that if i didnt let him touch me and do things then he would kick me out so I did but soon got 2 more jobs, 3 total) and then my time was limited.

Soon later I had my own apartment and kept all 3 jobs but i think that not only did my landlord, an ex marine recon, see my body break down, he saw how different i was after my mom & step dad left & he figured out enough to something was very wrong & i would start saying things not normal to me. He is the one that convinced me to cut comtact with them at 19. I am forever grateful what he did for me! Everything he did for me!

I don't know your whole story yet because I haven't read your diary yet. I'd like to but when I started to I saw you mention it was graphic and I stopped. Deep down I know that there are real evil people in the world but when it involves a child I have a very hard time hearing about it. My anxiety increases, I get physically ill, my brain goes on vacation and I can't find my words.

Its ok, you shouldnt if its gonna trigger you or upset you. The last thing i want is for someone to be triggered.

Good for you for catching that thats an issue for you! But please dont feel the need to read anyrhing you really cant handle right now. Maybe later, mayber not and if not, its ok!

I can feel your rage. I'M that woman does not deserve the title of mother or mom. The best I could think of is female human that reproduced (not even sure about the human part though). It's not you that needs to be punished! Please keep working on a way to stop. You deserve better. :hug:

She def doesnt deserved ri be called "mom" though thats what i call her.

As to i deserved better, im working on that but thanks and a BIG :hug:

 

[Brenton]

Dear "Mom":

I don't think you deserve to be called 'mom' though that's what I called you and...

I really feel your pain, I do. I know how that feels, I went thru something similar, and the anger toward the people who were supposed to protect us but didnt can be consuming. I'm happy for you that you can express it and put the anger where it belongs. I still turn mine inward.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I still turn mine inward.

I do too, this is my way to try to start to turn it to where it belongs. Afterwards i wanted to cut BADLY, this is VERY INTENSE emotions that ive been trying to avoid because i feel i cant deal with it.

After the blame shift which happened 1/22/16 (i just looked) and in my timezone it was around 3am; i have been doing some DBT, some negitive core belief stuff (though I cant quite get there but i think im getting closer), some negotove thinking stuff, i stopped one ritual but in doing so found emotions (no clue what they are but their A LOT of pain and its too intense); been recently getting pissed at this 'programmed brain' and everything automatic, unable to control much of any of it, it seems....but i couldnt change it and this raw INTENSE rage that was aimed directly at me. I was left w/ cutting and doing punishments 10 times more than "usual" and I posted this https://www.myptsd.com/threads/where-would-i-be-if.60371/ I think as maybe "permission" to post this 'letter'. I was TERIFFIED to post it.

I just typed without thinking and what came out came out.

Im hoping to make it go 'full circle' and write one to my step father whom I hope can read it from his hot rock in hell, since he's now dead, and one to "the cult" but unsure if i should wait, read this to my therapist first in the beginning of the session and deal with the emotions there instead of alone. You know?

 

[Forgetful]

Thank you for your kind words LFS and suggestion to only read what I can deal with. See, you are a good person...you can still offer encouragements, reassuranceso and advice to others. I also struggle with minimizing my experiences, self loathing and inability to see positive changes.

I'm glad your landlord noticed your situation and helped you take the necessary steps to get to a safe place.

My suggestion re: more letters would be to read this one to your T first and fully process the emotions it brings up first before writing the next one. As was stated above by someone take baby steps. I can understand wanting to jump in with both feet but it may be overwhelming.:nailbiting:

Peace :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My suggestion re: more letters would be to read this one to your T first and fully process the emotions it brings up first before writing the next one.

Yeah, I think thats what i think im gonna do. Doing it too fast would only expose emotions that I cant handle and 'explode in my face' causing me to cut/punish or worse.

Thanks for the encouragement and help!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

See, you are a good person...you can still offer encouragements, reassuranceso and advice to others.

I care very much about other people, and never want them to hurt, suffer, become triggered, be upset etc but how to say im a good person due to the knowledge that ive ended the life of thousands of animals...... :sorry: Not sure "good person" would ever discribe me...to me....

That's a work in progress. One of those animals "Gizmo" has his own spacial place.

I watch a show called Surviving Evil and a woman was kept in a trailer and for around 20 yrs she would never go back there but for the show she said she would and she said that she had nightmares of that trailer, dark, scary and when she went back for the show there were kids jumping and laughing on a tramoline and that night she had a dream of kids laughing and she woke up laughing and never had a nightmare siince.

Made me wonder if driving to my home city (I wont even go to the city) and going back to that house, I wonder if that would help. Im like a 3 hr drive from the city so not likely something i will do but was just wondering.

 

[Forgetful]

LFS sorry, I can't quote with my shitty phone.

Re: good person

After all you've gone through, correction - all you were FORCED to go through you still care how other people feel and don't want to cause them any discomfort or pain.
You care about others. You're working on caring about yourself. You will get there. In fact, buried deep, deep down you already do, because if you didn't you would not be working this hard to change. So, even if you can't see it or feel it, you are a good person. You were raised by sociopathic, narcissistic sadists with a God complex. You were young and believed what they told you (as would any child). When we are born our brains are wired to believe and trust our parents. Through relegion we are taught to love and obey God and our parents. They used your belief in God to force you to do what they wanted. If you fully believed you were the demon child and that's all you will ever be good for I don't think you would have left. That's just my opinion but I hope some day you will feel that way too and realize you are good. Until then maybe try to treat and care for yourself the way you do others?

Re: going back to your house

I think somewhere in the future that might help you, but I don't think it's a good idea now. Not until you have worked through all your trauma and brainwashing. And even then I don't think you should go alone. Just something to think about.