My Fault

[Casey_03]

I have somehow managed to avoid getting depressed for most of my pregnancy so far, but now with only a few weeks left to go I can't help but feel that it's my fault my baby won't have a father. And I hate myself for it. There is no other explanation for a man acting this way. It all boils down to me apparently just being such a despicable human being that a person would be willing to abandon his own baby just to get away from me. So, it's essentially my fault that my baby will grow up without a father. And how will I ever tell him that? It's bad enough already when nurses and doctors assume I'm married and mention the father and I have to explain he's not in the picture. And then I get these looks like I've done something wrong.

 

[Sighs]

There are lots of us who blame ourselves for the fact that our child(ren)'s other parent is... well... crap. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person or the baby's worth as a person. And there are plenty of people who grow up without a father. You and your baby will be alright. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Friday]

Forgive my memory...

Did this guy abandon you? -or-
Did this guy abuse you, threaten your life, threaten your child's life, and you left him?

I thought it was the second one.

 

[Casey_03]

He abandoned me then bullied me in an attempt to force me to get an abortion, then later in an attempt to force me to give it up for adoption/scare me off from seeking child support. The abuse was verbal, the threat against the child was indirect (i.e. saying he couldn't wait to watch me "struggle to feed the baby"). He also harassed my work in a bid to get me fired so I couldn't afford medical care. I'm aware that he's a reprehensible human being, but I can't help but feel that I'm at fault here too. Maybe it really was just the prospect of having to be tethered to me for the next 18 years that drove him to this behavior. He was never abusive until I became pregnant.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Casey_03 youre already protecting your child from an abusive person . That takes courage. Try to enjoy this last remaining days thinking how wonderful it will be to have a child. Most child development experts state that men are simply bystanders when it comes to their children. They don't want to be responsible for the wellbeing of the child and are jealous that the mother bonds deeply with the child and they no longer are the baby in the family. You can do this!!! Lots of children thrive in a one parent household. The dad sounds like someone you shouldn't have parenting rights anyway.

 

[Suzetig]

A use in relationships often starts when the woman becomes pregnant. There are lots of reasons for this - jealousy that the woman has a new priority, the knowledge that she's very vulnerable, exercising power etc. the thing I'm sure of is that it's not your fault that he became abusive. The person responsible for abusing another person is the one being abusive.

It's not your fault he was abusuve and given his behaviour you are giving your child a huge advantage in life by not being with him any more. Try to relax and enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

 

[Daisylove]

@Casey_03. "There's no other explanation for a man acting this way". Actually, there are a LOT of other explanations. Lots of men do not become abusive until their partner's are pregnant... My best friend's partner started abusing her when she was pregnant too... I've seen and heard of it happening to a lot of women. Tell me... what did you do that was so horrible that he had to get away from you? DId you burn down his house? Murder his mother? Chin up, girlfriend.

 

[hodge]

This is not your fault, Casey. I hope that the more of us who say this will help it sink in to your mind. It's NOT your fault. If your baby's father wanted to be in the picture badly enough, he would find a way. What you describe is way more about him than it is about you. You are doing the right thing. He is not. Take care, Casey :hug:s

 

[Neverthesame]

He was never abusive until I became pregnant.

So this was his line. Still not your fault.

Having children isn't a terrible blight on ones life. This is something that happens when people have sex. It is a well documented phenomenon. Sperm + egg = baby.

His being a deadbeat isn't your fault.

If you had said something like, "Oh, my guy got all abusive after I gave him the plague." Still not a great reason to be an asshole, but it's at least somewhat understandable.

His refusal to be a man? Nope. All on him.

His attempting to get you fired so you can't support your child? That's f*cking sickening.

Now as for your involvement?
Let's see here...

You have made the deliberate choice to keep life, not end it.
To provide food, shelter and love to a little life, instead of giving it up to strangers.
To struggle like mad in an unforgiving world to be a mother, so that little life that you have created, actually has a chance for a life, of love caring and joy. Fault, is not the correct term for your involvement in this.

Love, motherhood, care, responsibility, good, commendable. Anyone of those words are far more appropriate for your part in this.

But not fault, nope.

 

[hodge]

I would like Neverthesame's post 1,000 times if I could.

Hang in there, Casey. We're here for you.

 

[Sandstone]

can't help but feel that it's my fault my baby won't have a father. And I hate myself for it. There is no other explanation for a man acting this way. It all boils down to me apparently just being such a despicable human being that a person would be willing to abandon his own baby just to get away from me.

Males act like this. It is a biological imperative for them to have as many offspring as possible, with as many females as possible. In some cases, species have evolved enough to allow for the males staying around and offering support, this being a better way to ensure survival of offspring.

The father of your baby simply hasn't evolved very far.

 

[scout86]

You can't actually know, for sure, at this point, that your baby won't ever have a father. There's a lot more to fatherhood than biology. Hard to tell what wonderful male influences might enter this kids life! So, sorry, not your fault. (You ARE figuring out a way to keep us all in the loop for the birth aren't you? Maybe not a live web cam, but we're all going to be worrying, waiting, and wondering what's happening.)