Me And My Medication

[UnKnown-Self]

I have been experiencing a lot of pain and inflamation in most of my joints and numbness down both my arms and hands. I have also been exhausted. Dozing on the train exhausted which is unheard of for me and barely unable to get undressed before hitting the bed.
This is the same thing that happened to me when I was taking Effexor except it had gotten much worse then.
I am back to work now and I can't afford for it to get much worse.
I am now taking Paxil and started at 10 mil. I also take Adderall xr 50 mil and 5 mil Valium as needed and take them rarely.
I was still struggling with depression, anxiety and anger so the psychiatrist increased the Paxil to 20 mil. Then the exhaustion kicked in and all the symptoms mentioned above.
I told the psychiatrist and asked if I could possibly try 15 mil of the Paxil. She increased the Adderol xr to 60 mil, 1 30 mil 2x a day. Sighs...

I bought a pill cutter and make my own 15 mil Paxil. I also bought some empty gel capsules at GNC and basically break the Adderol dose in half on one of the caps.
I feel like I am doing some reverse druggie shit.
I started with a new GP and getting the testing that I know will turn up nothing but I will stick with the program.
I know some of the symptoms are a reaction to the antidepressant and I have to keep the dose low. I also know that most of the symptoms are somatic and I told my new GP this. She sent me to the therapist who is willing to help me work with my parts and has experience doing so. She (the new GP) is still sending me for carpal tunnel testing and I'm cool with that.
I didn't mention how I am manipulating my meds but she does know what I take.

I know I need to eat an anti inflammatory diet, do yoga and ride my bike. I know it's toxins building up in my system from producing too much adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol and other chemicals that help the body during emergencies but build up to toxic levels when the switch gets stuck in the on position.
I also get leg and feet cramping. While this happens most often when lying down, I noticed lately it is when I am writing about things like now.
I know some of the things I think are going on have not been "proven" and might be considered just a theory but what I like about the theory is the recommended management is therapy, diet, exercise, yoga and meditation. Medication "might" help with some symptoms but it is not recommended as the cure.

I'm afraid some real emotional shit is bubbling right under the surface and something is waiting, just waiting to blow. Like it has been waiting for such a long time and its patience is running out. I think that's what is really causing the exhaustion, too much going on that I'm not concious of. I'm trying to be brave and strong. I'm trying to tell myself been there done that still here girl, I just got to face it and say I'm still standing. But I'm scared shitless too.
Sorry the post is all over the place.... But I'm all over the place.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry @Alice.in.Wonderland! Severe extreme exhaustion is one of my physical mental symtoms.

I sleep usually after my therapist (today) til around 10ish (now) so around 6 hrs and i cant stay awake, head in lap no matter how many cups of coffee like some sort of drug addict.

When it first came, i panicked cuz i have to work and i also get very dizzy too, like i had a few too many and also had a seziure Nov 2012 still unknown medical cause. So all of this very much scares me so I had my pshyctrist prescribe me adderall but since with the exhaustion the anxiety is still there, that put the anxiety in red hot mode and no amount of xanax would get it down much, that was insane so i tiered off and flushed the rest.

Oh and I also got every single one of my meds out of possibilty even though ive been on the same ones for yrs and nothing had changed and this was new...but still did.

Now its come and go but when its here i have to "bull" through it. It does suck but i have no other choice.

I did have every medical tests known to man by the way and you are staying more active than i can physically do.

You'll be ok! :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

I know some of the things I think are going on have not been "proven" and might be considered just a theory but what I like about the theory is the recommended management is therapy, diet, exercise, yoga and meditation. Medication "might" help with some symptoms but it is not recommended as the cure.

That's fair. But how regimented is your therapy? A lot of what you are describing sounds like depression, and you can go quite far with diet, exercise, wellness. But you also need a real structure to help you deal with intrusive, negative thoughts and fears. Can you get into a PHP or an IOP, get some quality time with CBT or DBT? (sorry, that was an alphabet soup there).

I know that I can't manage my mental illness without medication - but also know that I need to know how to move my perspective on things, so I don't drown in all the tiredness and sadness.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I used to love to exercise, yoga, etc and now cant do any of that. Def the more active you are, most especially depressed, the more edorphines (feel good chemicals) flood your brain and make you less depressed.

And so, if I could, when the exhaustion comes on, id drag myself off the couch or out of bed and go run with my dog or something (i wouldnt trust driving to the gym or something).

I hate medication so the least i can medicate the better in my opinion.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@joeylittle I will respond to this later since it's complicated.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@joeylittle in July of 2015 I went on a leave of absence from work. Did the PHP program. DBT, CBT, diaries of dreams, anger, eating , gratitude and others. Mandellas, adult coloring books, Zentangles everything and anything suggested to develop mindfulness and I did. I bought my own books and videos. I now have my own loony toon library. Then I got the first heavy flashback. It lasted about four hours. Talked to myself, doing what I could and should to keep grounded and self sooth. Told myself, I was safe now, I could keep us safe, colored because it's what was being demanded and I found Disney on YouTube. I did not deny my experience.
That's when the parts started introducing themselves. When I tried to tell my new T because by this time I was graduating from thr IPP and going once a week for individual sessions.
She did not believe me, neither did the next one. That caused the negativity to start.
So now I am hoping this new T will help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Alice.in.Wonderland im sorry, I know you werent speaking to me but I dont understand therapists not believing you. Im not saying you have or dont have DID but it does exist, its in the DSM, i dont get why they wouldnt believe you.

They dont believe you have alters or parts? What do they say it is then?

Im sorry again, you dont have to answer this, I just dont get some therapists!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Most people and some therapists and psychiatrists don't have a clue about PTSD. They think it is reluctance of the person not wanting to let go because they are afraid of the unknown and living a "drama" free life is too uncomfortable or if they find the right med cocktail it will be okay.
They don't understand you can't let go of what you don't remember and the drama is hell. The pills might be stabilizing but only short term without the real work.
They REALLY don't understand when the PTSD has dissociattive aspects.
They blame the person for being reluctant, not working the program. Psychiatrists are still guessing %85 of the time. Between insurance and pharmaceutical companies calling the shots. There is very little opportunity for taking chances and trying something new and innovative. Like most people they will deny what they don't understand.. In that way they often re abuse patients denying their experience. Something all too common and familiar for the abused.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Alice.in.Wonderland i totally understand what you mean.

Before I was willing to pay for therapy or even understood how much I needed, I seeked out free therapists; all four were f*cked in the head themselves, all 4 really re-abusing me which made my forced therapy all that much harder. I just happened to be forced and referred to an amazing one.

I can picture what he would say if i were to tell him I had your issues and not beliving wouldnt even be in his radar.

Good therapists are out there and you dont have to be drugged up, Im not (because i havent gotten the pre-authorizarion hasnt gone through I havent had the chance to try setiquiol ER yet) so the only med im on for mental reasons is xanax.

Keep your head up Alice! :hug:

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@ lostgirlptsd ... Not believing was on my radar most of my life LOL and I live it. But not denying and following whatever the "experts" say has only made me worse. It was only until I accepted, progress began .

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@ Lostgirlptsd

Hey, thats a half way good user name for me ;)

Accepted what though? And not all therapists are bad...but i know what you mean.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Accepted that what was going on with me was not so much trauma based but something essentially wrong with me that I was trying to dramatize my problems and my symptoms for attention. It filled me with so much self disgust that after trying to talk to a
Hospital staff and my therapist 20 years ago and got such a negative professional response, I basically turned against myself. I would bang my head into the wall to stop the thoughts, drank, lost myself in online chat rooms until I totally shut down. I became my worst abuser. Self hate beyond anything else is the ultimate abuse.
I won't do that again and I know all therapists aren't bad which is why I will keep trying until I can find someone who can help me.
Sorry about the name I think it was the auto fix @lostforgottensoul