Child Alter Hates My T

[Sideways]

Long story short, when I was 12 my abuser did an absolute number on brainwashing me. This included teaching me to undress (in a particular way!) and lie down on the floor automatically because "I shouldn't make him have to ask".

So, my 12 year old alter has become convinced that this is what she needs to do when my T turns up. Alone with an older man who is "here to help" - she's utterly convinced. My T knows about this, and we've talked through what he's going to do to manage the situation if it happens.

Meanwhile, I'm becoming paranoid about having to stay completely grounded whenever I see my T. He might cole with it, but I'm not sure I would.

To add a bit of spice, my little also hates my T. Wants him gone. Out of the picture for good. She can't tolerate him calling my abuser names (er, that would be telling it how it is - paedophile, psychopath, sadist).

I apparently ended up dissociating into my little today in therapy. My T assures me that it didn't get to undressing, and I believe him. But apparently I told him that he didn't understand and I didn't need his help because I was getting enough help already (ie from my abuser).

Internal dialogue with the little is sketchy, at best. And she doesn't trust me, which doesn't help.

This particular T is critical to me. He's saved my life twice. More importantly, he is the only person in this world that I trust not to abandon me.

So, any tips on how to shift the little' attitude, both to undressing in front of people, and not hating my T so much? Ultimately I need her to trust him. But practical suggestions for how to manage this in the meantime would be really really welcome.

 

[Ronin]

Okay so what grounds twelve years old you?

What conveys safety, in safe ways, to her?

And, if you do things your way / she stays around but not interrupting, can that have (from her point of view and experience) benefits for her? I figure some times, reasoning doesn't work for a long time... but bargaining and compromises do.

 

[Sideways]

The precious little monster does listen in. That's one of the reasons she hates him so much - she listens to him talk, and it's like she thinks we're conspiring against her. Anyway saying a bad word about the guy is her enemy, and I'm apparently abandoning her by trying to accept that he was abusing me, not helping me. She's practically in love with the guy. I know about the kinds of things she says about him, God's gift couldn't set a foot wrong. It's hideous.

I know that she feels safe in water, so I take her swimming. But actually, she does like holding my guinnea pig... My T meets me at my house. I wonder if I could work that in somehow?

It feels impossible you know? Like, any bad word against this guy and she hates you. It's like I could go through the entire therapy process fine, except for the one part of my head that actually counts. In 7 years she hasn't budged.

Stop Ragdoll - Hopelessness Brain is interfering with the problem solving:banghead:

 

[Ronin]

Don't talk qualities then.
Talk acts.

How the abuser acted, and what it brought to you, both of you, how it still effects you, as opposed to who he was or is.

The acts will paint the picture that's already there, clearly enough, it just needs a lot of the time.

Also: What's keeping you at that stop point? Some times it's useful to look at those rocks that just won't roll over, no matter how hard poked. Maybe she's right in something /else/ stirring the mud, making you feel unsafe?

 

[strangelings]

I wonder if- has she been given time in therapy *to talk* (or write and share with him, etc.) HER feelings and experiences of that person? I know for me that my parts who are very attached to some abusers- have felt attacked when told from the get-go that that was all bad, etc. They've felt trapped and scared and angry.

looking at it from her perspective: a)she *had* to feel this way about this person to keep herself AND the rest of the system safe. b)to that child you are treatening their relationship with what it sounds like the *one* person they attached to. It's actually a sign of a kind of- life and willingness to life that she is fighting you so hard- because children have to attach to live and survive, and she's defending that.

i would really suggest letting/encouraging her to talk to your therapist, and maybe write? to you- and both of you listening to what she thinks and feels because clearly she doesn't have much trust for either of you (although coming out in therapy does show some trust) and before you try to- do anything else showing her that you can be trusted is paramount.

 

[Sideways]

@strangelings - my T suggested maybe letting her talk to him a bit more:cautious:

I always defer to the position that it's apparently just retraumatising to talk about your trauma when you're dissociated like that (that's what I've been told anyways).

Truth is that quite apart from finding it really frightening that I "turn into" a 12 year old kid and have conversations that I can't control and don't remember, it's near impossible to seperate her relationship with this guy from the trauma. We spent time together every day, and even though my 'special lessons' were only once a week, the grooming and commitment stuff that he was working on me never stopped. The constant touching in class time was enough to draw comments from other students. Urgh.

But yeah, over the last month she's finally been a bit more honest about how far the abuse went. While I was in hospital she fessed up that the physical abuse actually got really nasty (for some reason she's always hated admitting the physical stuff was a problem - pfft, 12 year olds hey!?) and I wrote that down and gave it to my T, but that's as much "talking" about it as we've done.

Sometimes, just occasionally, it would be really nice if we could get through this process without having to TALK about everything, you know!? I'm frightened of letting her talk to my T, I'm frightened of not being in control (there, I said it!!). Be nice if there was another way around it, you know? Maybe one where I stay in control and conscious of the sh!t coming out of my own mouth:tdown:

 

[Sideways]

:geek::geek::geek:@Cashew - When you put it that way, I think I'm across what it is making her feel unsafe (I think!) - she won't fess up about what it was like at the very end of the abuse. All's I know is it kept getting worse, but she still won't say just how nasty.

And I don't want to know! Trying really hard not to just swear my head off at her, but she's kept it to herself for 20 years and that's all good with me. 'Cause I really don't need to know:mad:

That was v untherapeutic of me! Just, talking about it is so awful, you know? And letting her loose on my T? If it was someone else saying this I'd roll my eyes and say "this is dumb, you already know the answer". I tend to have pretty good breakdowns when we go through periods of "talking about it". I just wish there was a better way to get control of my own head. I don't want to turn into a 12 year old in front of my T - I don't want to lose control of what I'm saying and what I'm doing.

Appealing to the most mature and rational part of my head, the solution is simple:geek: Therapy Sux!

 

[ladee]

What is your fear of her getting loose on your T?

 

[Ronin]

@Ragdoll Circus

Honestly, I find it hard to understand.
Not judging, just thinking of how to relate.

Because we're Team Us & Ours, before everyone else, & therapists never gained that much trust to side with them before each other.

So I'll think on this some more when I'm less 'what on earth, why would anyone want a therapist more than someone who's their and in their body'. Cough.

 

[Ronin]

I don't want to turn into a 12 year old in front of my T

As opposed to what?
People do that all time long in therapy. And in multiple other life situations, too! Thing is in therapy it might be even considered appropriate, unlike other spaces in life. Therapy IS for letting suppressed emotions out.

People do that age slide in therapy all the time. One mind-per-body people, or not. You wouldn't be the first twelve years old the therapist has seen in her practice. ;) Or even that day, probably.

 

[Sideways]

Been doing the whole switch-a-roo for a while, but I just never get comfortable with it. My T doesn't seem to have a problem with it, & yeah, sees that stuff all the time.

That said, I don't reckon that having a patient start to spontaneously undress is an everyday occurrence, and I'm not mad keen on the idea that I might do that. I have trouble making eye contact as it is (5yrs in!).

I'm not too worried about my T coping with it. Me on the other hand?? I could really take a pass on that kind of humiliation:(

No one ever said that therapy would be a walk in the park, but it would be nice to know that I can get in and out without taking my kit off:barefoot:

 

[Ronin]

What about practical parts to fix that, then?

As in clothing in a way that'd make undressing difficult, for one? Multi layered clothing, lots of buttons or complicated tying vests / what have you, things like that?