Childhood Csa And Can't Say The Words Out Loud

[agirls]

I'm new here. My story is in the intro forum. I'm wondering if anyone else has or had this problem. I cannot speak the words that I was sexually abused. I can write them. I can speak them in reference to someone else or in general terms. But I have never been able to say "I was sexually abused." My t and I have talked about it. It first bothered me when I was in the middle of writing about the abuse in detail and she said I would be able to say it when I was ready. There are still holes in the sequence of things and I think there will always be, and some of the things I remember make no sense. I was told by my mother for years that she didn't believe me, which allowed the abuse to continue. Then when she finally gave that up she dismissed it as no big deal. So I've had trouble accepting that what was done to me was sexual abuse, but my T keeps reinforcing that there is no question that it was and that I was terrorized for nearly 20 years. About two weeks ago I experienced a major trigger (which actually had been brewing for weeks before it came to a head). It completely did me in. I felt like I did when I was at my worst two years ago, shortly after my diagnosis. Anyway, the issue of not being able to speak the words came up again. T said that I will be able to say it when I have integrated everything (the parts of me that accept it and the parts of me that haven't accepted it) and she feels like I may be close to that. I'm worried that I'm going to blurt it out somewhere besides her office which I don't want to do. That's the only truly safe place for me and I need her to be the first one to hear it in case I fall apart. (She says it's not going to happen that way.) My T acts like this is all normal, so it I trust her that is but I was just wondering if anyone else can't say it.

 

[Brenton]

I'm new here. My story is in the intro forum. I'm wondering if anyone else has or had this problem. I...

Been there. It took me 42 years to face it, and its not easy, but worth it. That pain festers inside and kills us from within. Don't live with it alone.
Welcome to the forum
Brenton

 

[ladee]

Yes, because it empowered me to heal. Even tho it there was only a tiny part of me that knew this would get me on the road to healing... I still knew, on some level, that it was my truth. Mine. and by saying it out loud... I realized I was no longer a victim.... I was a survivor.... And survivors do what it takes to take the power away from the abusers... the best revenge is healing what we can, and learning to manage the rest..... Your T knows what she is saying, and you trust her.... it will happen at the right time,in the right way, for you... sending you gentle hugs if you accept them and know you are not alone.... good healing on your journey.

 

[agirls]

Thank you Brenton. :)

 

[agirls]

Thank you ladee. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue but it's tangled up there. Does that make sense? And thank you for the hugs. I find hugs incredibly healing.

 

[ladee]

You will be able to do it. I have no doubt. You have traveled this far, this is a huge bump in the road... you will untangle it and be able to say it, and have some freedom from the silence that stops you... more hugs... and I am like you, hugs are very healing....

 

[Sideways]

Everything @ladee just said!

It takes as long as it takes. Some people can verbalise their junk really easily. Me? There's something about the words coming out of my mouth. It's not just hearing myself say it (which is awful enough, because it makes it real), but I feel like I lose control of the words once they're floating out there in the ether.

I'm 7 years into therapy. For some people, they can do that bit straight up. For me, most days I still have to write it down. Even hearing my T say stuff out loud is too hard for me some days and I have to tell him to stop. Then some days I can get some of it out in words from my own mouth.

It's not as easy as we think it should be. It's all there in our heads, like it's ready to come out. And it will, at some point, but probably in fits and starts rather than one big comprehensive monologue. And that's ok. That's the process. So keep going, it'll happen when it happens:)

 

[agirls]

Everything @ladee just said!

It takes as long as it takes. Some people can v...

I wrote about it over the summer hoping I could bring it into my session and read it. But I couldn't. I had her read it :/ Even that was too much. But I feel like she knows me really well and if she thinks it's almost there, it's probably almost there. She pulled me out of work for most of this week because the trigger left me unable to eat or sleep and I became completely depleted. I've had a lot of time to think about all this.
.

 

[Sideways]

Do whatever you need to to get through the process feeling safe. Sometimes I write stuff down with the heading "I don't want to talk about this". Sometimes I leave the room while my T reads stuff! It's all progress.

 

[attempting]

Thank you for bringing this up, its something i have an issue with all the time... i can't verbally express anything about myself even if its just the stupidest thing like what I'm doing tomorrow. Appreciate that your therapist understands that...because i have spent 5 years to therapy and literally talking about the weather...

 

[Rumors]

Yeah, I can't say it either. I still refer to what happened as "what I did" and didn't even realize it until my t pointed it out to me.. It's crazy how saying something out loud makes it permanent, but not saying it makes it like maybe it didn't happen. I hate that I can't just get it out and be done...

 

[Socha]

I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue but it's tangled up there. Does that make sense?

I'm exactly the same.

I can't say it out loud, I get angry when I try to write about it and it's the reason why I'm trying to deal with it in English (not my native language) because the connotations and feelings are not as strong.