I Don't Think My Life Has Ever Been This Hard.

[Jen93]

He'd say stuff like "but we're boyfriend/girlfriend." "But my mother just died" "but we didn't do anything last time you came over" etc, etc. And he'd try to make me feel guilty. I basically felt like I didn't have a voice; and if I tried to use it, he just pushed further.

So yeah, I think it's sexual assault; but my parents don't see it that way.

 

[anthony]

He'd say stuff like "but we're boyfriend/girlfriend." "But my mother just died" "but we didn't do anything last time you came over"

Other than the mother just died comment, that sounds like a horny, normal, young male. Saying that, this does not change, no means no, and him going beyond your statement of no, is sexual assault. I think you need to outline that to your parents a little more forcefully, because that is the definition of sexual assault, meaning consent was not given. Maybe they need to understand this to better support you?

If a guy grabs your arse once without reasonable consent that such act would be acceptable by you, that is certainly abusive. If it continued after clearly stating not to do it, that is sexual assault. Don't get me wrong, in dating it would be considered quite normal touching each others backside, however, if you said no, then it means no.

Sexual advances certainly get fuzzy, legally... especially within adult consensual relationships, but the problem is that there are clear definitions and when you have stated no, then it becomes sexual assault after the fact. Certainly an area where more awareness is needed to thwart some of these exact issues.

 

[mamachick]

About 10 yrs ago, while a single mom of 2 daughters ages 15 and 17, and having several friends over, one male friend was half kidding but serious, and said he didn't envy my position. He then went on to say that boys/men will tell you ANYTHING, promise ANYTHING, BEG, etc. to get sex. I was about 47 yrs old and it occurred to me that there was so much that I do not know about the male species. I grew up with a mom and 4 sisters. All my cousins were girls. I had almost no male contact except for the boys that were friends or boyfriends, but none were so blatantly honest. As a teen, I lived with brother in law and sister, and brother in law 15 yrs older guarded me constantly. I remember saying "you don't trust me" and his response "no, its the other people I don't trust" He clearly did not trust young boys, and when my daughters were that age, I didn't either. But my friend belted it out matter of fact.
It took me to be quite old to really get it.

There is such a gray area here. When coercion is met with maybe, and eventually a yes, then consent is given. No absolutely means no. Coercion seems like being conned into doing something that you don't really want to do. It may be morally wrong, but legally difficult to prove. Especially with two consenting adults.

If we have polarized thinking, I think we would either feel quilty for allowing to be conned or feel like it was sexual assault. What if it is one of life's social lessons. We grow during times of pain. This was clearly a painful experience after the fact. My 50 yr old divorced friend does not believe in sex prior to marriage and is very into her church. She only dates in public such as a dance or dinner. No time alone in either home because of temptation. She has some life experience I would say. Temptation is normal. Most of us like physical contact (non sexual), kissing, hugging, snuggling, etc. and we learn where it leads.

I just saw the date on this post and it is from several months ago and almost deleted my response, but wanted to say to Jen, I really hope that you are doing better now since some time has passed. I hope you are not blaming yourself. I hope your parents have become more of a support for you. I hope you have found ways to cope with the desire to cut, but most of all, I am very sure you are very lovable! This says nothing about your being a lovable person.