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I Am Done, But I Am Stuck
- Post starter Fadeaway
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Neverthesame
Diamond Member
Do either of you get alone time with the couples therapist?
That could be helpful for both of you.
That could be helpful for both of you.
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- #15
That would be an excellent idea. I have, he hasn't although it has been recommended to him. I would love to see him get some one on one therapy. Even my Dr. mentioned to him that he had supporter fatigue as a result of my medical issues, and it really comes out when I am triggered. It just seems to me that a simple hug and telling me that it's ok or that I am safe would be so much easier than a long drug out fight. I would recover much quicker if I felt supported by him, lik eI do with you guys. I wouldn't end up hystericaly crying unable to calm my self down because he won't stop saying things to hurt me when I am already in emotional agony without what he is saying. Then he wouldn't get mad because my hysterical crying (and yes I admit it gets to that point and beyond where I am totaly regressed) is upseting him so much.
To me it seems so much simpler to comfort someone than to deal with the fall out of antagonising them. My therapist says what she hears over the phone is definete antagonising.
To me it seems so much simpler to comfort someone than to deal with the fall out of antagonising them. My therapist says what she hears over the phone is definete antagonising.
D
Deleted member 33052
Oh, fade, I'm so sorry for you. My heart is aching! You have a beautiful soul, and you deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect.
I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could hug you whenever you need a hug. :hug:
I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could hug you whenever you need a hug. :hug:
I'm nodding and agreeing with everyone else...It's not working.
My ex-wife tried to make herself look good in front of our couples' counselor.
She had good intentions of supporting me... but found my emotional needs totally overwhelming and somewhat grotesque in practice.
(Thus started my *ahem* friendship with Mr Crazypants...and at that time he provided the nurturing and support I desperately needed...)
I eventually stopped trying to get her attention and shut down into profound depression. I think it's better to not shut all the way down. Start formulating an escape plan.
My ex-wife tried to make herself look good in front of our couples' counselor.
She had good intentions of supporting me... but found my emotional needs totally overwhelming and somewhat grotesque in practice.
(Thus started my *ahem* friendship with Mr Crazypants...and at that time he provided the nurturing and support I desperately needed...)
I eventually stopped trying to get her attention and shut down into profound depression. I think it's better to not shut all the way down. Start formulating an escape plan.
J_trustno1
Diamond Member
I'm really sorry fade that you are suffering like this each time you're triggered. If a triggered person is given bad treatment then the consequences can be very rough. He is not helping you but hurting you by saying mean and hurtful things and it's not really fair on you. Is there a way you can get away from him and move out ? For example apply for all the funds and issues while you are living with him so that he doesn't disappear on you like the last time?
Seriously, he's sending out too many red flags that you are dismissing. You are hoping for empathy from an unkind person who isn't capable of giving you the comfort and respect you deserve. He may sound like the ideal husband when you are in a good condition but he's no way near a nice person when you are triggered. You really need to sort this out before he hurts you even more. I'm really worried about you and I really hope you get some help. Please try finding out ways to getting out of the situation.
I'm sorry that you are struggling and I wish I could give you better advice. I really feel for you and will pray for you tonight. Please keep in touch if you need to talk :hug:.
Seriously, he's sending out too many red flags that you are dismissing. You are hoping for empathy from an unkind person who isn't capable of giving you the comfort and respect you deserve. He may sound like the ideal husband when you are in a good condition but he's no way near a nice person when you are triggered. You really need to sort this out before he hurts you even more. I'm really worried about you and I really hope you get some help. Please try finding out ways to getting out of the situation.
I'm sorry that you are struggling and I wish I could give you better advice. I really feel for you and will pray for you tonight. Please keep in touch if you need to talk :hug:.
Neverthesame
Diamond Member
I don't understand why people antagonise others repeatedly, knowing full well that they are going to get a negative reaction, which is seemingly what they are after. But then whine about when it happens?
I used to work with people like this. They knew full well that sneaking up behind me, then jumping out and scaring the hell out of me, is going to cause me to be irritated with you for a while. But they still would.
Makes no sense.
What if you sold it to your husband in a way that seems more appealing, instead of a full session. What about 10 minutes of the couples session, where you leave the room? This might get him to talking about what is bothering him in a way that can be dealt with either during the rest of the session, or next time?
If nothing else, maybe if he can bitch to the therapist, he'll get it out of his system enough to not be an ass.
I used to work with people like this. They knew full well that sneaking up behind me, then jumping out and scaring the hell out of me, is going to cause me to be irritated with you for a while. But they still would.
Makes no sense.
What if you sold it to your husband in a way that seems more appealing, instead of a full session. What about 10 minutes of the couples session, where you leave the room? This might get him to talking about what is bothering him in a way that can be dealt with either during the rest of the session, or next time?
If nothing else, maybe if he can bitch to the therapist, he'll get it out of his system enough to not be an ass.
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- #20
Sideways
VIP Member
I can't imagine what it must be like living in this situation and being as dependant on this person as you are. It's absolutely NOT too much to ask for a hug from your partner even when things are good, let alone when things are falling apart for you.
It sounds like there might be quite a lot of bite in the "supporter fatigue" comment (which is not any kind of judgment on you- a hug isn't much to ask for). If that's what's going on, then it makes a bit of sense that when things are fine for you, they're fine for him, but whenever he's confronted with "I like some help now", his brain goes into meltdown "I've got nothing left to give" panic and horribleness directed at you.
Just a suggestion, but what if you recruited him to help you get some more independence, like tracking down a birth certificate, getting ID and a transport pass.
Apart from placing you in a better position if things reach breaking point, you could tell him up front - "My illness seems to be a bit much for you to manage right now, so if you can help me organise transport, meds, banking etc on my own, that will take some of the load off you..."
In the meantime, the only thing worse than needing a hug and not getting one, is going to the length of actually asking for one and getting knocked back. You guys had a plan that he'd do that, but the plan isn't working, it's making things worse...at the moment. Maybe temporarily try and use other self-soothing strategies that don't mean relying on someone who, at the moment, can only be relied on to be a jerk...
Just brainstorming ideas - hope things get easier for you.
It sounds like there might be quite a lot of bite in the "supporter fatigue" comment (which is not any kind of judgment on you- a hug isn't much to ask for). If that's what's going on, then it makes a bit of sense that when things are fine for you, they're fine for him, but whenever he's confronted with "I like some help now", his brain goes into meltdown "I've got nothing left to give" panic and horribleness directed at you.
Just a suggestion, but what if you recruited him to help you get some more independence, like tracking down a birth certificate, getting ID and a transport pass.
Apart from placing you in a better position if things reach breaking point, you could tell him up front - "My illness seems to be a bit much for you to manage right now, so if you can help me organise transport, meds, banking etc on my own, that will take some of the load off you..."
In the meantime, the only thing worse than needing a hug and not getting one, is going to the length of actually asking for one and getting knocked back. You guys had a plan that he'd do that, but the plan isn't working, it's making things worse...at the moment. Maybe temporarily try and use other self-soothing strategies that don't mean relying on someone who, at the moment, can only be relied on to be a jerk...
Just brainstorming ideas - hope things get easier for you.
ladee
VIP Member
I like what @Ragdoll Circus said, possible getting him to help you to be more self sufficient will help both of you. I can understand that if you are counting on his support, don't get it, then it just adds to the problems.... you have to fight a little harder to find ways to soothe yourself. Not staying focused on what he isn't doing is not helping you. I am sorry , and I know it hurts you... but think how proud you will be when you find ways to self care that helps you. Many of us would like a hug while upset.. I personally need my space during that time, but when a need isn't met outside of us... we have to figure out ways to help our self.... Hope the suggestions have at least let you know you are supported and heard... cyber hugs are all I can do, but am sending them nonetheless.
...My ex-wife also liked touching me only on her own terms.
Was trying to find how one might go about getting an ID without a birth cert...does not seem to be a way.
http://lifehacker.com/280785/where-to-find-public-records-online
Sift the haystack until you find all the birth certificates with females with your name and ( roughly ) date of birth. There should only be a few if you know the year. If you have the exact date, there will almost certainly only be one, and that will be you.
Just a giant PITA to find. GRR.
I imagine you have states you suspect more.
I hope that works?
Was trying to find how one might go about getting an ID without a birth cert...does not seem to be a way.
http://lifehacker.com/280785/where-to-find-public-records-online
Sift the haystack until you find all the birth certificates with females with your name and ( roughly ) date of birth. There should only be a few if you know the year. If you have the exact date, there will almost certainly only be one, and that will be you.
Just a giant PITA to find. GRR.
I imagine you have states you suspect more.
I hope that works?
VERY well said!
:tup::tup::tup::tup::tup:
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