How Do You Respond To Other People's Anger?

[sun seeker]

I ask because I'm very bad at it. Usually when people are ranting at me I get very quiet and speak more calmly (at least outwardly) than usual, even if I am shaking and my heart is pounding. As it does, because anger terrifies me. Then, usually I avoid the person for a long time. Sometimes indefinitely. It isn't seeming like a very good strategy.

A long-time friend crossed a line with me today by swearing and accusing when I (calmly, compassionately) stated a boundary that I probably should have clarified a long time ago. I am clear that what she was saying came out of her stress level and isn't really about me, but a lot of my emotional energy is being drained because I don't know how the situation will resolve.

I am aware that this friend mirrors some of my own unresolved issues, and actually I am glad, in a roundabout way, to be shown what I need to work on.

But. When someone has exploded at you in a way you don't consider fair, and they aren't forthcoming with an apology... how do you handle that? Both within yourself and with the other person?

 

[Knak]

I am like you.

In a Women's Sunday school class I recently joined, they were studying a topic that the lesson book stated was not taught enough for people to understand it well. I said, "I'm lucky. I was taught very well." Then I explained what I was taught and how I personalized it.

The person sitting next to me, who is the boss of everybody, looked at me with hate in her eyes and yelled at me saying, "you think you're the only one who....?"

I was flabbergasted and humiliated and quietly said, "I was going by the lesson book that said few people understand it." I couldn't believe no one showed any reaction, as if nothing happened.

Then one by one they started supporting the boss, saying "I was taught" or "the pastor has taught us" (which he had not). I know they are afraid of her. She uses fear to control people instead of respect. She leads information groups to strangers and has to keep control of the group. She was also raised to believe she is elite, and her father is a tyrant of sorts.

After class I went to the leader and asked why she didn't say anything. She was mind boggled and started quizzing me asking questions out of left field. The next morning I called the woman who taught the lesson repeating everything said, and asked her if I was I unaware of how I came across or if what I said was wrong or inappropriate. She said I was correct and not out of line. She said "I'll have to pay more attention to responses like that in the future."

I purposely went up to her a different day after she said something that reminded me of a family issue. I was half way crying telling her it was meaningful. It bounced off of her like it was beneath her. I felt sorry for her.

Then I helped throw a party for her and went over the top preparing for it. She finally left a necklace at my house when I hosted a book club but she didn't mention or admit it.

I couldn't get over that she never apologized for humiliating me, leaving the others to believe this is how you are treated if you are honest and vulnerable. I had to finally quit because I did not fit in. She is a paragon and nobody wanted to hear my feelings or change their opinion.

I continued to talk to her and treat her as my equal but know she could never feel comfortable around me either. She lacks confidence and knows what she did. I just stay away from her and depend on people who have compassion and humility.

Not many people are able to apologize. It only holds them back from maturing.

 

[sun seeker]

I couldn't believe no one showed any reaction, as if nothing happened.

It seems like other people's outbursts embarrass some people, or they freeze, maybe? I don't know, but your experience of this is familiar. You'd expect a reaction of some kind, and get silence. Weird. It sounds like a situation where maintaining the status quo was more important than respectful discussion of the topic. This brings up something I read somewhere ages ago: When one person in a dysfunctional relationship (of any variety) changes their behaviour, there will be a reaction from others as they adjust to the new unaccustomed reality. In the book it was called "change" and "change back" as others will, without even being aware they are doing it, test the change to see if it will stand up under pressure, before they will adjust their own behaviour accordingly.

So maybe this is what my friend is doing, in addition to the fact that she is under a lot of pressure. She isn't used to me saying no to her. She is reacting to the change with an outburst to see whether I will change back.

I couldn't get over that she never apologized for humiliating me, leaving the others to believe this is how you are treated if you are honest and vulnerable.

This had to be especially hard for you because there were others involved and this person sounds like she was supposed to be the mentor of the group.

Not many people are able to apologize.

Unfortunately, this is my experience of this friend. Something not this bad but along the same lines happened years ago when I set a limit. Big outburst, no apology, acting hurt because I was offended. Hmm...

I would say treating people badly is burning bridges. But am I the one burning bridges if I back away from the friendship? I'd like to repair it, but that can't be done unilaterally.

I'm not sure quite what my boundaries are in this situation. If I hold out for an apology, it may not be genuine (and I would be able to tell). I'm just not sure what the next step is.

 

[Lucycat]

I really don't deal with other people's anger at all. I freeze or curl up and cry. It is a very unhelpful response and the result is that I avoid confrontation, as I know I will end up humiliated - even when it is not about me.

 

[sun seeker]

It is a very unhelpful response and the result is that I avoid confrontation, as I know I will end up humiliated - even when it is not about me.

It's easy to know at a cognitive level that it's not about us, but really feeling that and not getting swept away by the intensity of the moment is a lot harder.

This is probably the kind of response this friend expects from me, because it's usually how I handle being overwhelmed: withdraw, cry, pace the floor, act out the trigger in some way. (This was a triggering thing I had to say no to her about, which makes the situation still more confusing.) I got through the triggered part before calling and stating my boundary. She hasn't often seen this in me. I wasn't rude, in fact was very compassionate and explained why I needed to draw a line, and didn't rise to meet anger with anger. I'm thinking of giving her a little time to cool off before I try whatever I'm going to do next. Gives me some time to decide what that is, too.

 

[Knak]

I would say treating people badly is burning bridges. But am I the one burning bridges if I back away from the friendship? I'd like to repair it, but that can't be done unilaterally.

I was going to say that it's up to her to make the next move but if you still value her friendship and can tolerate her weak point then as you say let things cool and when you are able act as friends knowing the boundaries. I have to do that with my husband all the time.

Do you really think she's so aware of what she expects from you if she did it out of being under pressure? I just did that to someone and it was my mistake and I apologized, but I am sceptical that most people are so "mindful" or manipulative.

 

[Sideways]

There's the Freeze v Stay Calm part as the anger explosion is happening. Then there's what you do afterwards.

Freezing completely can be an issue in anger explosions. But if you can stay calm, keep breathing, maybe say nothing at all, and just walk away from someone having an anger-tantrum, that's an extraordinarily powerful skill to have. You don't do or say things that you haven't thought through, you remain a person worthy of respect, you don't have anything to regret. And it sets you up perfectly for the second part...

What do you do if they don't apologise? My T has behaved abismally over the last 2 weeks. Said some very hurtful things. It was a rough time for all of us. I know him, and I know where he's coming from on this, and I'm expecting there'll be no apology (tho I've been apologising on the daily).

What do I do? Confront him with that? Maybe. Tell him it was a rough week on the receiving end? Probly.

What do I not do? Expect an apology, suggest an apology is due, or outright demand one.

At the end of the day, his behaviour was uncool. But in the grand scheme of 5 years of his working his arse off for me...I just forgive him...this time.

 

[Knak]

I really don't deal with other people's anger at all. I freeze or curl up and cry. It is a very unhelpful...

I hate being around angry people and bow out. It is smart to do if the anger is misconceived.

It takes years to gather self knowledge and courage to know what's really going on. Usually you have to endure a chaotic experience that teaches truth after it's over so you understand the next time. I have to see it through God's eyes.

That is the short answer. I experience the self blame of getting scared but anger is an unpleasant experience and stops learning in your brain.. You probably got yelled at as a child and had no support and had to say you were responsible for your fear, but you should have had an adult to protect and teach you. That is the easy answer.

 

[Knak]

There's the Freeze v Stay Calm part as the anger explosion is happening. Then there's what you d...

I hate it when I know more than my therapist.

 

[Knak]

I wasn't rude, in fact was very compassionate and explained why I needed to draw a line,

Very good, what we all want.

 

[Sideways]

Ugh, brain fart...

So, staying calm and just walking away is often the best response. It allows you to go away, and out of the heat of the moment, decide what you want to do. Do I want to fight this fight? Or do I just want to let it go? It's the following through on those decisions that's usually the hardest part of the anger explosion.

 

[sun seeker]

Do you really think she's so aware of what she expects from you if she did it out of being under pressure? I just did that to someone and it was my mistake and I apologized, but I am sceptical that most people are so "mindful" or manipulative.

I don't think she was being manipulative, I just think she exploded because of other stress in her life. And I know from experience that she is not good at apologizing. I am not sure what you mean though about her being aware of what she expects from me, can you explain that some more?