Supporter Boyfriend Leaving Me/ptsd

[Dimplez]

Hello I am new here... My boyfriend was recently diagnosed with PTSD 4 months ago and he is not taking his meds. I called VA crisis to inform them but that was no help and besides that it takes forever for him to get therapy sessions which is sad..... I just don't know when he is going to flip on me. He is normally the most romantic loving man ever. Some days it's like a nightmare... I don't know what is going to set him off. He will get mad at me for little things and stay mad for days on end, isolating himself from me, kicking me out our bed to sleep in the guest room. He blames me for everything and takes no responsibility. Now he is leaving me in this house breaking the lease and just leaving me to take on all this alone. I have tried to talk to him but he ignores me or tells me to leave him alone. I don't understand what I have done to make him so nasty towards me and want to leave me. He blames me for all of this. I am hurt and lost and now loosing the man I love.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Firstly, PTSD or not, him blaming you and abruptly breaking the lease on you is not okay. Whether he is overwhelmed or triggered or not, bottom line is, if he was recently diagnosed, a symptom that's common for a few PTSD sufferers upon diagnosis can, amongst other things, be denial. Some see it as a relief to be validated. Some see it as a label that something's 'wrong' with them. It depends on the person entirely. I'm not saying this is the reason why he's acting this way, but it could be entirely possible. You'd have to ask him to truly know, but looking at your post, he seems unwilling to communicate.

Regardless of this, isolation is understandable, as is wanting to be alone when asleep. This happens when periods of extreme stress and triggering feelings arise. Blaming you for everything, being unappologetic and emotionally abusing you is not okay, though. Going on the assumption that you haven't done anything to purposefully trigger him, it's understandable to want to help and be patient and loving, but it's another thing to be a complete doormat, especially with behavior that shouldn't be acceptable from anyone, PTSD or not. If he is refusing to take his medication and he's reluctant to see a therapist, then that's a bit of a red flag that he is refusing help. Not sure if you can do anything about this, to be honest, unless someone else has input.

Do you have people that you can turn to for support? This kind of thing is very difficult, and it's good to have other people to talk to in general, especially when this kind of thing happens.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, Dimplez! I'm sorry to hear that you and your partner are struggling with PTSD.

I just have a couple of questions... I'm not military so I'm not sure of their procedures, but couldn't your boyfriend see a private therapist? The sooner he can start treatment, the better. Also, do you think you could talk him into checking out this site? There's a wealth of information here. It would be a good idea for you to look at some of the threads here that deal with relationships, so you you'll have a better understanding of what's going on...

I don't believe that PTSD gives a person the right to lash out at others. It does explain his need to isolate, though. If he is unable to give you any idea whether or not you should be waiting for him, then you may need to decide how long you're willing to wait. Please remember to take care of yourself. That's the most important thing you can do.

Sending you hugs if your accept.

 

[Justmehere]

Dimplez - I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's really hard to endure loss like this.

This is hard to face, but I think the best thing you can do for him right now is to let him go.

What he is doing is irresponsible and not ok... and you can't change him. The only person you have any control over in this is yourself.

If he doesn't want to take meds that's totally his choice. No crisis service or hospital can force him to take the meds. He would have to be an imminent danger to himself before they would take action against his will, and even then, he would not likely be forced to take meds he doesn't want to take. (He would have to be actively trying to kill himself or hurt staff while inpatient before anyone could legally force meds on him.)

If he doesn't want to do therapy, that's his choice too. If he did do therapy, things would likely get worse before they get better and he would likely push you away for awhile if he did treatment. It's really hard to begin work on trauma and maintain romantic relationships. It takes a lot of self motivation, and sometimes even that is not enough.

He should be finding a way to fulfill his commitment in the lease at least, but he has the choice to move out if he wants to. It's painful and it stinks, and is very unfair of him, but it's his choice.

There may be other factors playing a role other than PTSD - only he can say what his reasons are and if he is not willing to communicate them, he is not willing and there's not a lot that someone can do if someone is not willing.

It's really hard to lose someone you love, especially when they are clearly suffering and choose not to get outside help.

The more you try to push to connect with him, the more he will shut down and push you away. Pushing his boundaries isn't going to help either of you. It tends to create more stress on a PTSD sufferer and the more stress on someone who is already shutting down, the faster they tend to shut down.

Right now, the best thing you can do for both of you is to focus on what you need and build up your own life.

If you don't want to leave your place, perhaps you could start looking into roommate matching services. It might help this feel like less of a huge shift in your life and you both may incurr lot less damage from him making the very very unfair decision to break the lease.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Breakups are hard in the best of circumstances and it sounds like he is handling this very badly.

 

[Dimplez]

Thank you all for your input.... I do have a couple of people that I can trust to talk about this.... He isn't really wanting to talk to me so I can send him an email about this site.... He has seen the therapist twice since being diagnosed and I have offered to help him with private counseling which he did not respond to accept or not.... At this point I am just leaving him alone as I see when I try to communicate with him he listens now but doesn't respond. He thinks I'm the enemy in his mind and I don't know why.... I have been there for him through a lot ... It's hard to see him this way but at this point I am exhausted and need peace

 

[intothelight]

Welcome and I hope you find the information and support on this site helpful. At this point only he can control his actions and choices, but you need to take care of yourself too and put your needs first. Do what you can to help yourself.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi and welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Alexx]

I was going to say a much simpler version of the same thing.

Just back up off him. PTSD turns anyone in the vicinity of a trigger into the enemy.

It's nothing personal, but you are also way over your head with even trying to figure him out.

He clearly can't even figure himself out, so there won't be simple forthcoming answers.

Later, IF he heals he may apologize.

Meanwhile save yourself... Move on... Don't look back until you have your own problems solved.

Then perhaps IF you want to speak to him he can hear you without pressure turning into another trigger.

So sorry you're going through this. He just sounds unfit for a relationship at this point in his recovery, or lack thereof.

 

[Dimplez]

Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much you all help me to make sense of this as much as possible.... I am learning more about PTSD and I have decided to leave him alone give him space and if he leaves he leaves... I am just not going to worry myself over it anymore

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Dimplez]

Thank you for ur kind words and ur hugs... I accept... He has decided to move out this weekend and there is nothing I can do... I love and support his decision and wish him the best in his recovery... As much as I wish I can make this go away, He need to want this for himself. I truly fell in love with this man and now it's all coming to a complete halt, no warning nothing.... I just stay in pray to help me heal thru this time and I pray for his healing as well

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of...