my father has had several heart attacks and honestly each time I thought it was his last time to have one but somehow he keeps making it. When my brother died, I had wished it was my father. I will say it is because of the abuse I endured from my him. I too have a hard time crying. I didn't cry until I was alone after my brothers funeral. I didn't ever want to bring any attention to myself, but even now many years later I like to be alone to cry, and lately been having trouble crying at all. I'm trying to work through that in therapy. My moms health too is up in the air, she's been in and out of the hospital for her heart a lot this year. I dream that I missed out on stuff with her. I remember how much I love her and I don't want her time to be anytime soon. Maybe it is correlated but I too have been triggered by my mother in general this year since I've really been deep in my emdr therapy. She didn't protect me for one reason or another but she has always done anything that I've needed from her since my mom and dad separated. It's strange how triggers are everywhere anymore since I'm knee deep in the hoopla so to speak, poking the sleeping bear, going back and forth with wanting to hide and wanting to speak up to people in my life about what's happened to me, and all the emotions to go through, guilt, shame, sadness, anger, grief, loss, fear, abandonment and helpless. Not sure if this was helpful, kinda talked a lot there, your not alone, hugs if you accept.
