I’m so upset by how my therapy has ended

This is probably going to be long, sorry! I’m just feeling really bothered by something about my therapist and I’m really struggling to let it go. It’s causing me a lot of difficult feelings and I feel very stuck in them.

I would be very grateful for some support.

As a bit of background:

I’ve been in therapy for around 12 years (a long time, I know!)

I think I should really have ended therapy a long time ago. But I was incredibly attached to my therapist and the thought of ending, saying goodbye and not having her in my life any more was so painful and distressing that I kept choosing to continue and put off the inevitable.

Ultimately, I think I stayed in therapy for so many years because of her - my attachment to her and not wanting to say goodbye, and not wanting to ‘lose’ her.

I seriously considered ending therapy about 18 months ago - I just felt that I’d probably got as far as I could with my T in terms of ‘the work’ and that I didn’t really have any direction with therapy and that, staying in therapy because I felt too attached to T to leave wasn’t great!

We spent a few sessions discussing this deliberation - whether to continue or end therapy. I really wanted some sense from her around, if/when I chose to end, what would/could that be like. How would we structure it? How would we use the sessions? How would we best work towards the ending? Etc. I said more about that time and those session conversations and my frustration with them here:


In short, her only ‘suggestion’ about the whole thing was that I just needed to decide if I wanted to end and, if I did, I needed to decide when I wanted to end!

So, it wasn’t very helpful. And I figured that, whenever I decided it was time to end at some point, it was just a case of deciding when as there was no plan or structure to how that all played out.

Because I didn’t get anything else from her on that topic, despite me bringing it up in a few consecutive sessions, I wimped out of ending (largely because I didn’t feel there was going to be any useful support, guidance or structure from her for that) and I chose a topic for us to focus therapy on, and we carried on.

We did that for about a year. We stayed pretty focused on that topic and there were some interesting conversations about it. But I didn’t ultimately feel that I was gaining much/any new insight or making any real progress with that topic in real life terms. Nothing was changing for me. And we felt a long way off anything shifting. I didn’t feel confident that anything was actually going to change at that point.

Towards the end of last year, I was unwell, which wiped me out for a few weeks. Also, a work project unexpectedly wrapped up, so my income took a big hit (I couldn’t really afford £120 per session anymore so had started spreading out sessions and meeting every 3 or 4 weeks). And then it was Christmas/new year break.

I still wasn’t fully over illness in the new year so we hadn’t booked in a new session.

So, I’d really ended up having a therapy pause of a couple of months, just because of life really.

Although I hadn’t actively planned to take a therapy break before it happened, being out of that regular therapy routine, I noticed that it felt good having some breathing space from therapy. I realised that I felt a bit burned out with therapy (probably not surprising after 12 years of regular sessions!) It felt like a bit of a relief to not have to think of things to talk about every session, to not have to be doing so much self-reflection regularly, and to not have attachment stuff activated every time I spoke to my T!

The time away had actually allowed a lot of stuff to settle internally. And I felt I had a bit more time and space to think about what I was getting out of therapy and to think about potentially ending therapy in a more emotionally grounded and less attachment activated way.

Because I didn’t want to just leave my T hanging, not knowing what was happening (that didn’t seem right or fair to her) I emailed her to say that I wanted to extend our therapy pause as I was feeling a bit burned out and just wanted to see what it would be like without therapy for a bit.

I wasn’t that blunt about it. I sent her a genuinely lovely, considerate, measured message. I said really nice things about her. I emphasised that this wasn’t a rupture/I wasn’t upset with her etc. I apologised for communicating this over email rather than booking a session to talk to her about it - I said this was partly because I was still a bit unwell, partly because my finances were still low and partly because, if I saw her, I’d probably change my mind and rush back and I really wanted time and space to properly think about what I really wanted to do, without attachment stuff getting activated.

I finished by saying that I’d contact her again, either when I was ready to book a session, or if I made a decision to end therapy.

It took a few hours to think about and write as I wanted to get it right so that it landed with T as well as possible. I got my wife to read it before I sent it and she said it was a brilliant, lovely email and she encouraged me to send it.

T replied that evening, thanking me for my ‘thoughtful update’ and saying she couldn’t write more as she was ill with the flu. I sent her a brief reply back, telling her to rest up and take care and hoping she feel much better soon.

A couple more months passed. I still thought about my T in some way every day. I missed her. But it wasn’t in an intense, piney way. And I started to feel more grounded in a decision to not return to therapy.

After putting it off for a few weeks - because, making the decision myself was one thing but articulating it to her was another as it felt more final and meant actually saying goodbye - I emailed my T to update her and share my decision.

In retrospect, I maybe ‘should’ have booked a session to tell her this. But I’d made my decision, I felt grounded in that decision and internally settled. I really couldn’t face having to see her again and having to say goodbye - as I suspected it would stir up attachment stuff again and then I’d want to change my mind!

Doing it over email was probably me being a bit of a wimp and avoiding a painful goodbye. But it was also self-protection, and a way to stay emotionally contained/regulated.

It was also still a conscious, intentional ending and goodbye - albeit a written one instead of a verbal one - which is unusual for me. I usually just drift away from relationships and ‘ghost’ people. This is something my T and I had discussed loads of times - and I’d even joked before that the easiest thing for me would be to ghost her when I was done so I didn’t have to say goodbye. But then I always promised her I wouldn’t do that - I wouldn’t just disappear and give her radio silence so she didn’t know what was happening and where I had gone.

So, that’s was why I was determined to get in touch to communicate my decision etc. Again, I spent a long time coming up with the email. I thanked her. I said how meaningful the work - and she - had been. I said I’d missed her and would no doubt continue to. But I felt ready to end therapy.

I didn’t get a reply.

I waited three weeks and by then I was stressing that she may not have seen it or that I may have accidentally deleted her reply without seeing it. So, at that point, I resent the email - I said I hoped she was ok, and that I wasn’t sure if this email had reached her so I was resending it just to be sure.

It’s been about a week since I sent the resend. Nothing. No reply.

I realise that we were in the middle of something in our last session and that I didn’t bring up that I was thinking about ending at that point (I genuinely wasn’t seriously contemplating ending then).

I understand that my extended pause in January - and possibly my subsequent decision to end therapy in April - was probably not what she was expecting.

I can understand that ending 12 years of therapy with a couple of emails might not be very satisfying or ‘ideal’ for a therapist.

I also understand that she may have something going on in her personal life or that she somehow hasn’t seen any of these three messages over the past 5 weeks (though I find it pretty implausible at this point).

I realise that I am the one who has communicated the ending - and I’ve already done that. So, my therapy has already ended. So, I am not a paying client anymore.

I was not expecting a big emotional outpouring reply from her over email - if I wanted more mutual sharing how we felt about the ending, I would have booked a session.

But I just cannot understand her not replying at all - even after I’ve resent it, checking whether she’d seen it.

I can’t get my head round, after 12 years of working together, she just totally ignores me.

Not even an acknowledgement that she’s received it and read it.

Not even 10 seconds taken to say ‘Thanks for letting me know. Wishing you all the best.’

I have gone from feeling really grounded and emotionally regulated in my decision to end therapy…to feeling really devastated by her total lack of response.

Quite wish I had just ghosted her now! I put so much effort and care into my messages. And she hasn’t even taken the time to say ‘thanks for your email.’

I’m really shocked and rattled by it. And very hurt, angry and upset. It never crossed my mind that she would just intentionally ignore my messages for weeks. It just feels like I no longer exist for her.

Having felt so grounded in terms of attachment stuff and my decision to end, I now feel activated, triggered and distressed.

Having been determined to - for once - end a meaningful relationship consciously, intentionally and in a way that brings closure…and I feel like I did that…and that I did it in a considerate, caring way towards her albeit via email…I feel like her (lack of) response has thrown a massive spanner in the works. And meant that I haven’t really been able to have that this time when it really mattered to me.

I also don’t know - how after 12 years of working together, and knowing me so well, including knowing my triggers - she wouldn’t know how her silence would land with me. I’m pretty sure she would know this would make me lose my mind!

This is just such a horrible and very sad way to wrap up 12 years of therapy with a therapist I’ve been so attached to. It’s very painful. I’m really struggling to stop thinking about it! It feels really devastating.

I don’t know why I’m posting this really. I feel like I’d appreciate some support and empathy. And any suggestions to how I can regain feeling grounded and regulated and move on from how hurt and upset I feel at the moment. How do I shake this off?

Needless to say, if she doesn’t now want to engage with me and reply to my messages at all, it doesn’t really feel that ‘her door is always open’ if I ever wanted a session again… and it doesn’t feel that ‘our relationship doesn’t just end when therapy ends - our therapeutic relationship will always exist’. These are both things she has always whenever we discussed endings and me finding it painful to think about.

Not getting any reply feels really punitive and like I’ve done something wrong. But I really don’t think I have.

This relationship has always felt so complicated - and even ending it isn’t straightforward!

It just feels so devastating for it have ended like this, which couldn’t be further from everything I was trying to do.

You could try one more time with a two to three sentence question. Hi, just wondering if you could reply regarding one last appointment to wrap things up and say goodbye rather than it seeming as though we are doing this through email. I hope you are well. Look forward to your response. Additionally or alternatively you could call the office, not sure she has a secretary and just ask after her wellbeing as it’s unlike her to not respond to an email. If those two measures don’t work then you do need to do the closing work knowing for certain that for whatever reason she is not going to reply and it is over-two different closures and not the best. I saw my psychologist for 15 years and he announced his retirement 6 months in advance. When we did close it, I did email 2x and the second time he said ‘we said goodbye and I can’t answer anymore emails.’

I'm sad for you @barefoot. I can absolutely understand how rejecting and confusing no response would be and how that would unsettle you. I would be the same.

We can only guess or mind read what is going on for her.
Maybe she is off work for an extended period unwell?
Maybe she feels it's unethical to respond as you have ended the relationship?
Maybe she is upset and bringing her own stuff into this?

All those are guesses.

Would you want a session to find out? That might be the only way to know?

Is there another way to hold her none reply that isn't so painful? (I have no idea what that way is! As I would be feeling the same as you. But just offering that as a question as sometimes when we shift our focus or perspective, it helps heal).

I think there’s this thing going on here where simultaneously, you know you don’t need anything more than an acknowledgement (“Thanks, got your email”), and yet you’ve had a gigantic emotional response to all of the potential meaning that lack of response has.

It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not a reflection of you, or the work you did, or what she thinks about you. It’s not.

And, her not replying doesn’t actually change your position at all. It might have been professional for her to acknowledge your email, but having not done that (for whatever reason - and there are a lot of potential reasons, the most common of which is lack of time or just plain oversight), you’re still in exactly the same position. Which is - you’re not going to make any more appointments.

I get the emotional fallout. But, your T doesn’t actually have to email you for you to move on from this. It doesn’t change where you’re at, or where you’re going. It doesn’t change the work you’ve done, how much you shared, how important therapy was to you. It isn’t a reflection of how she feels about you, or what she thinks of you. You’re giving it that meaning (and power), but you don’t need to, because it doesn’t mean that.

Like I said, I get that this is emotional for you. But to me - if I cancel an appointment with my T and don’t make another one, decide to go somewhere else or quit therapy altogether - I’m not expecting anything from him about that. Genuinely not. Even after years - if I tell him I’m done with him and moving on, there’s zero reason for him to engage with me further beyond that, and that would be incredibly normal (because I’ve ended with a range of different types of Ts a number of times). I wouldn’t feel obligated to explain, or thank him. I wouldn’t anticipate anything along those lines from him (tbh, it would be weird and unprofessional if he did, right!?).

Unless I do it in circumstances where he might think I’m unsafe and he wants to make sure I’m getting help somewhere. Beyond that? If I say “I’m done here”, I expect that I will never hear from him again.

No contact once you’ve decided not to make more appointments is very normal. You wrote her a lovely email, but she was your T, so it’s not appropriate for her to reciprocate that. It’s just not. She was not a friend. She was someone you paid to work with you during sessions, and you’ve told her you won’t be doing that anymore. She could send you an email saying “Got your email”, but she doesn’t have to, and it doesn’t change your position at all if she does or doesn’t.

I know this probably comes across as harsh, but the message is, ultimately, an empowering one for you. Should she have sent a one-liner acknowledging she got your email? Yeah, maybe. Does it change anything at all for you that she didn’t? Nope. Because you don’t need this, you were doing great, the fact that your prior T isn’t emotionally attached to you is a good thing, and you absolutely do not owe her anything at this point. You get to move forward knowing that you’re done with that, and ready for the next chapter of your life.

Personally? I wouldn’t make an appointment to work through this with her given the issues you’ve described. That sounds like the best way to end up in several more years of therapy that you don’t need.

I hear you that you’re disappointed, and that’s distressing. But you’re going to do great. You don’t need any kind of response. You got this.

@Teamwork - she doesn’t have an office/secretary, she’s just a one woman band. And I don’t feel inclined to get in touch with her again when she’s chosen not to reply twice.

@Movingforward10 I’m not going to book another session to discuss it. I’m not going to throw even more money in to ask her why she hasn’t replied to my email. And I don’t need to discuss ending with her in general as my decision is firmly made and I already chose not to have a session for it before as I wanted to avoid getting activated on the attachment front! I think a session now would just potentially end up in a rupture!

@Sideways - yes, I’m fine without therapy and I’m not worried about not having it. I don’t think your post was harsh…I just don’t think we have the same view on it. I’m upset because, after 12 years and thousands of pounds, she has not taken 30 seconds to send a brief acknowledgement of my email so that I know it’s been received and read. Not because I thought we were friends or hoped we would now be friends. Not because I wanted or expected her to write me a long heartfelt email back. And not because that changes my position now on where I’m at with therapy and life. It’s not weird, inappropriate or unprofessional to acknowledge receiving an email. I actually think it’s professional courtesy to do so. It doesn’t cross any professional or therapeutic boundary - especially if someone has re-sent it as they’re unsure you received it (in other words they are checking that you got it) to reply saying, ‘Thanks for the update - wishing you all the best.’

Update: she has just sent a really nice reply.

I find endings and goodbyes in general very tricky. And I usually avoid avoid avoid and just drift off leaving things to just quietly peter out.

This ending may not have been ‘perfect’ (whatever that might have meant!) But I am quite proud of myself for ending this relationship differently - consciously and intentionally. And T’s acknowledgement today has helped that whole process to now feel fully complete.

I’m now back to feeling settled and grounded. Thank you those of you who read and replied/reacted when I was in a messy place with it yesterday!

I'm so glad she replied! It did feel odd that she hadn't , given the relationship you had. So really happy for you that she has done that and it has helped.

And that this ending is how you wanted it to be.

It's an ending that has worked for you, so well done for finding the way that feels right.