Feeling like i lost my chance at life

So I just turned 23 this year and I'm feeling so depressed and have been in a quarter life crisis since. I'm not where I thought I would be at all. Usually when people say things like this they have other things going for them in life but I have nothing. I've never been to college, I don't have a job or friends or a partner.

The loneliness is hitting me particularly hard today. I daydreamed since childhood to distract myself but since I've turned 23 a switch has flipped in my mind. I've realised just how much time I've wasted daydreaming and the gap between my imaginary world and my real life. I always thought I'd achieve my dreams and live my best life in the future but the future is here and I'm not living that way.

I feel so much grief for a life I never lived or will never be able to live. I'm so depressed I haven't been able to get out of bed. I wish I could've gone to college or gained some independence from my family. Instead I'm still living home and wasting my best years and the prime of my life. Everyone says there's no timeline in life but there are certain experiences that I you don't get at a certain age you'll never be able to have.

I wish i took more chances or did things different. No matter what I can't help feeling like it's too late for me and my life won't turn out exactly how I wanted it to. I feel so ugly and undesirable and like I'll never be wanted or loved for who I am. I also have crippling social anxiety and my personality isn't all that great either. If I had one thing I'd be happy but I truly have nothing. I can't even keep friends and feel awkward talking to people online too. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant for this world.

I don't even know where to begin solving all my problems and by the time I do, I'll be too old anyway to enjoy my life. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship or even dated or kissed and im too scared to try. By the time I try, I'll be too old and people would be put off by my inexperience. I feel too old to be this awkward. I either share too much or share nothing at all. At my age, people are supposed to have figured their shit out somewhat and then there's me. Stagnant in life and regressing every year.

Hi @mimi000 If someone asked you to write a list of a few short term goals over the next few months do you think you could come up with some stuff? Some reasonable goals? I'm sorry to hear your struggling so much. It must be difficult to deal with.

I’m so sorry you’re in this much pain. Sounds like you’re really struggling.
Just one thing, tho:

mimi000 said:

At my age, people are supposed to have figured their shit out somewhat and then there's me.

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Ehm, no. People do not have their shit figured out at 23. They just don’t. At your age some people are still in stages where they seem to have their shit together but in reality they just haven’t crashed yet. At 23 a lot of people are more or less midless copies of their parents’ values and views on good life. And they may seem successful, but by they are 40? They’ve crashed and burned because they tried to build lives that would seem successful not having a clue on who they really are.

I know it’s hardly any comfort here, but at least you aren’t one of those phoney achievers who have no real soul or authenticity.

I don’t know if you hate me saying this, but: you’re still very young. Nothing’s been lost forever. You have time. There’s a lot of pressure coming from outside about what life should look like at your age. And it sucks. But: f*ck that shit. You’re worth more than ”normal life”.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I’m just an old geezer rooting for you and wanting to give all the expectations and pressures the finger for you.

mimi000 said:

At my age, people are supposed to have figured their shit out somewhat and then there's me

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Also an older person here saying that at 23 hardly anyone has their shit figured out! I was doing drugs, in a coercively controlling relationship and had total amnesia about the trauma I had endured at your age. Not a single thing sorted out! Still trying to sort things out now in my 40s.

There is a really great quote, no idea who from but from someone who turned 100. They said that they wished they took up learning to play the violin when they were 60, rather than thinking they were too old, as now they could have said they have been playing the violin for 40 years.

I share that as it gives a bit of perspective.

You are never too old.

It might feel insurmountable to go from where you are currently to having a partner, job, income, friends, home etc. But that is a massive leap. Like @Survivor3 says, what are some achievable tiny tiny tiny goals for you at the moment?
Break it down, as frustrating as it is (healing is a long long slow journey....), step by step it can get better.

Do you have a therapist at the moment?

Movingforward10 said:

Also an older person here saying that at 23 hardly anyone has their shit figured out! I was doing drugs, in a coercively controlling relationship and had total amnesia about the trauma I had endured at your age. Not a single thing sorted out! Still trying to sort things out now in my 40s.

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At 23 I was one of those ppl who looked like they had their shit together. I was studying, had a girlfried, headed for success in every way. My head was so far up my arse I didn’t know anything was wrong. Although there were some very clear signs. So, in a way I was far behind where you’re at now. Still headed for the collapse and the knowledge that something needed mending.

Sorry bout this ”old people down the memory lane” thread jack

mimi000 said:

The loneliness is hitting me particularly hard today.

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That loneliness is just so hard. And when it hits you it is really hard.

Today was lonely for me in some parts of the day. I feel for you.

mimi000 said:

I daydreamed since childhood to distract myself but since I've turned 23 a switch has flipped in my mind.

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You needed to daydream since childhood to distract yourself.

To me this is important information.

So I will wager that your daydreaming was necessary to protect your self and/or kept you alive.

And I remember being in my twenties and the shock of changing from being offline to being online. And the immense grief of what I had missed out on.

That's a huge shift.

I found it overwhelming.

mimi000 said:

I've realised just how much time I've wasted daydreaming and the gap between my imaginary world and my real life.

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That's a huge change to be in your imaginary world and seeing how the gap is between your imaginary world is to your real life.

If you can start learning about how to be kind to yourself. Self compassion has a lot of videos these days.

mimi000 said:

I always thought I'd achieve my dreams and live my best life in the future but the future is here and I'm not living that way.

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I am here like this too.

mimi000 said:

I feel so much grief for a life I never lived or will never be able to live.

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I feel for you I also feel so much grief for a life I never lived or will never be able to live.

mimi000 said:

Everyone says there's no timeline in life but there are certain experiences that I you don't get at a certain age you'll never be able to have.

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I am trying to come to terms with this.

mimi000 said:

I feel so ugly and undesirable and like I'll never be wanted or loved for who I am.

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It a deep fear for me too.

mimi000 said:

I also have crippling social anxiety and my personality isn't all that great either.

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I feel this too.

mimi000 said:

I can't even keep friends and feel awkward talking to people online too.

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I have had a hard time keeping friends due to all my challenges.

mimi000 said:

Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant for this world.

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I keep waiting to be beamed up.

mimi000 said:

I feel too old to be this awkward.

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It is so hard to feel this awkwardness.

mimi000 said:

I either share too much or share nothing at all.

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I do this too.

I have nothing to share but I wanted to say that I related to what you were saying.

It's hard to shift from day dreaming to reality.

Please ignore what is not useful.

You said you've been too depressed to get out of bed. Do you have any support?

I feel concerned about what you are going through.

Just wanted to say that I feel you. And I did go to college. I feel like I didn't do it right, and in my 30s nothing has really been working out.

I think you have more hope than you know. I might be losing housing, but you've still got that. You've got a few things going for you.

And don't worry about missing out. If you went to college right now, this second, what would you major in?

Don't worry, most of college is being stressed about difficult workloads. The social aspects were possible outside of college for me as well. Most people aren't even able to use their degrees. If that helps you any.

There's likely a deeper issue here, like your self esteem and hope. If that makes sense.

I hope something here helps. Ignore anything that doesn't. Wishing you the best

Survivor3 said:

Hi @mimi000 If someone asked you to write a list of a few short term goals over the next few months do you think you could come up with some stuff? Some reasonable goals? I'm sorry to hear your struggling so much. It must be difficult to deal with.

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Tbh I do have goals but I just feel like I'm too broken and "old" to achieve them. I feel so much fomo all the time and like I'm running out of time. So I don't even bother trying at all

Freemartin said:

I’m so sorry you’re in this much pain. Sounds like you’re really struggling.
Just one thing, tho:

Ehm, no. People do not have their shit figured out at 23. They just don’t. At your age some people are still in stages where they seem to have their shit together but in reality they just haven’t crashed yet. At 23 a lot of people are more or less midless copies of their parents’ values and views on good life. And they may seem successful, but by they are 40? They’ve crashed and burned because they tried to build lives that would seem successful not having a clue on who they really are.

I know it’s hardly any comfort here, but at least you aren’t one of those phoney achievers who have no real soul or authenticity.

I don’t know if you hate me saying this, but: you’re still very young. Nothing’s been lost forever. You have time. There’s a lot of pressure coming from outside about what life should look like at your age. And it sucks. But: f*ck that shit. You’re worth more than ”normal life”.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I’m just an old geezer rooting for you and wanting to give all the expectations and pressures the finger for you.

Click to expand...

I always see people online talk about how everyone's struggling but then I go out and I see so many people who have their stuff figure out. Even other people I know. Even if they don't have everything figure out, they gave at least one thing going for them. Especially other women my age. I feel like I'm already approaching my 30s and i shouldn't be as lost as I am

Movingforward10 said:

Also an older person here saying that at 23 hardly anyone has their shit figured out! I was doing drugs, in a coercively controlling relationship and had total amnesia about the trauma I had endured at your age. Not a single thing sorted out! Still trying to sort things out now in my 40s.

There is a really great quote, no idea who from but from someone who turned 100. They said that they wished they took up learning to play the violin when they were 60, rather than thinking they were too old, as now they could have said they have been playing the violin for 40 years.

I share that as it gives a bit of perspective.

You are never too old.

It might feel insurmountable to go from where you are currently to having a partner, job, income, friends, home etc. But that is a massive leap. Like @Survivor3 says, what are some achievable tiny tiny tiny goals for you at the moment?
Break it down, as frustrating as it is (healing is a long long slow journey....), step by step it can get better.

Do you have a therapist at the moment?

Click to expand...

I don't have a therapist but i have tried setting and achieving small goals before. All I could think of is how much farther along I should be already and embarrassed that I had to figure out stuff that I should've figured out in my teens. So I just kinda stopped

I think there is an article on this sight about thought stopping and/or cognitive distortions.

Have you tried thought stopping?

It sounds like you have some beliefs ("everyone is doing better than me", "I should be ahead of where I am", "I am too old to sort this now") that are limiting you. Those thoughts aren't true, but they feel true. And you find confirmation of them in interactions which confirms to you that they are true.
The thing about cognitive distortions is that we can always find proof they are true when we are focused on looking for that proof.
But....thought stopping, counter messages, with a lot of practice, help to change it around.

Because it's not true.
Are there people your age that emotionally and socially and financially more sorted then you? Well of course!
Are there people your age that are emotional and socially and financially less sorted than you? Well of course!

Maybe the question is, why are you comparing yourself to others?
Working on building your sense of self and self worth will help to stop you comparing yourself to others.

It really really is doable.
But it takes work and commitment.
And, very annoyingly, healing is not linear. You will have easier and harder times, and relapse back a bit and then go forward again. But stick with it.

What was the of the goals you set yourself that you would like to pick up again?

mimi000 said:

Tbh I do have goals but I just feel like I'm too broken and "old" to achieve them. I feel so much fomo all the time and like I'm running out of time. So I don't even bother trying at all

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Your 23 years old. Barely out of your teens! And you think your too old to achieve your goals, so your not bothered about anything?? That's just really negative . Can I ask why you have come onto this site, and what you want to get out of it? Do you suffer from trauma/ptsd?