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Death Cougar... and the past

  • Thread starter Thread starter Guest for now
  • Start date Start date
Movingforward10 said:
That's understandable. And I don't know anything about her like is this a pattern of her invalidating you or is this out of character.
Would telling her that what she said upset you help to repair this fallout?
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She knows she upset me, because I said she wasn't helping and hung up.

Invalidating is not in character. She is usually a good listener. What is in character is that she doesn't understand the difference between real trauma and just someone having a bad day. I guess this is not someone I can reach out to when actually in a trauma state.

There have been other times like this, actually. When she said something sort of as a crass joke, about how maybe I was responsible for some horrible thing happening, not realizing she was triggering serious trauma. But she knows enough of my history that she should know. It feels like I need to downgrade this friendship to "fair weather" which hurts because we have been friends for so long.
 
Movingforward10 said:
That seems a really sensible idea. Because it has brought to the surface past trauma and like you say this incident is traumatic in itself. There could be a lot of healing that comes out from all of this.
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I'll see if I can find someone. Right now I can't afford anything longterm, but I could handle a few sessions.
This had already been a long day, before this happened.
That poor, poor kitty. I don't know how she can survive.
I wish I had enough money to have a house with a catio, I would have several cats and spoil them rotten.
 
Guest for now said:
You have been wonderful, and if this is how you are when hanging on by a thread, you are quite amazing.
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That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

Guest for now said:
You helped me see this incident differently. I couldn't think, in the moment, whom to reach out to.
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You were in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR! Most folks don't do this.

Guest for now said:
Thank you both of you
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@Movingforward10 is a solid one. YVW!

Guest for now said:
Here would have been better.
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Folks going through it can be useful.

Guest for now said:
for showing me that the perspective that I am a horrible person because of this is not universal truth.
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This is one of the major points: you are not a horrible person because this is not universal truth. No matter what our abusers told us.
 
That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

I understand what you mean. It should be an integral part of being human. Some have lost that along the way. Thank you for your humanity.

When looking for crisis services the one that looked most promising was based on an Inuit tradition that sounds much like that. But I couldn't make a decision.

The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?

I feel calmer. Mostly really, really sad for kitty. And shocked about my friend. But less like it's the end of the world and it's all my fault.
 
Oh, and this cat has babies. They are not tiny, old enough to be adopted actually, but still nursing. They won't understand what happened.

Maybe people experience cats disappearing as an abstract. When you see what happens right in front of you like I did tonight, the bloody reality sinks in and you'll never be blase about letting your cats out at night again.

Hopefully my neighbor learns from this.
 
Guest for now said:
That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

I understand what you mean. It should be an integral part of being human. Some have lost that along the way. Thank you for your humanity.

When looking for crisis services the one that looked most promising was based on an Inuit tradition that sounds much like that. But I couldn't make a decision.

The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?

I feel calmer. Mostly really, really sad for kitty. And shocked about my friend. But less like it's the end of the world and it's all my fault.
Click to expand...
Sorry, the quotes didn't turn out as quotes. Hopefully people can tell who was who there.
 
Guest for now said:
What is in character is that she doesn't understand the difference between real trauma and just someone having a bad day.
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Unfortunately. Lots of people are like that. Even if they deeply care for you.

Guest for now said:
she said something sort of as a crass joke, about how maybe I was responsible for some horrible thing happening, not realizing she was triggering serious trauma.
Click to expand...
Yeah, just shows she doesn't understand. Doesn't make her a bad person just someone who doesn't automatically or innately get it.

Guest for now said:
But she knows enough of my history that she should know. It feels like I need to downgrade this friendship to "fair weather" which hurts because we have been friends for so long
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Have you explained to her? If you have and she doesn't get it still then yeah: she is showing her limitations in that way.
If you haven't explained, then there is opportunity to do that and see how she responds?

Guest for now said:
The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?
Click to expand...
Totally! We're used to taking risks and being in danger like that without thinking about it.
Other people really really would not have gone out there.

Guest for now said:
I feel calmer.
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I'm glad for you.


Guest for now said:
Mostly really, really sad for kitty.
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Yeah, it is very sad.
Have you had an update from your neighbour? They must be so relieved you saved their baby.
 

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