“If I fix all my trauma I’ll be lovable and whole.”

[Rose White]

This came to my awareness today. I don’t have much to say about it currently, but I want to at some point. Feel free to comment or question in any way that feels meaningful to you.

 

[Rose White]

Realizing that “fix all my my trauma” could have been swapped out with “keep my house clean”. It’s a fantasy. I guess cognitive distortions are, in themselves, fantasies.

 

[parrotthepolly]

The title is a very common distortion. Heard this so many times and what's surprising is that I never experienced it first hand.

It's definitely not true and we must all be aware?

 

[Sideways]

It’s a fantasy.

Often, with cognitive distortions, I’d agree with this statement.

But I wonder if, in this case, the distortion is more related to the link you’ve built between Fixing A = B.

You are loveable. Period. Fixed trauma, unresolved trauma, clean house, messy house, or any other iteration of you that you can think of.

Other people have the capacity to love you. And you are worthy of that. I think the question for us ptsd’ers is, more often, am I ready to let them love me?

 

[Rose White]

am I ready to let them love me?

Good point Sideways.

Or even *can* I receive love? Can I recognize it? Can I hold onto it when the other is not there? Because that’s the thing I’m wrestling with… my old T calls it the object permanence.

Digression: It’s interesting that it’s called *object* permanence. I guess the infant sees its mother as an object? Not sure.

Hmmm… but your statement “You are lovable. Period.” Is not exactly an easy one for survivors to understand or embody, you know?

And I think I go in and out of that place, even now. I think my fears are often wrapped around that—because I’m afraid I’m “too much.” And the trauma sort of reinforces that. “You had that trauma and it causes you to be excessive with your emotions and needs… just tame that a bit and then you’ll be acceptable.”

So… feeling ready to receive the other’s love but knowing that they will discover my excessive emotions and neediness… so back to the loop of “fix that.”

Hmmm…. But again… “fixing” is a fantasy I think.

Glad you wrote that. I don’t feel complete in my response, maybe I’ll return later.

 

[S800]

Digression: It’s interesting that it’s called *object* permanence. I guess the infant sees its mother as an object? Not sure.

"Object" in this case just means something with a tangible, physical presence. "Object permanence" in this case is being aware of the presence of something when it's no longer detectible via senses. Classic infant example is "peek-a-boo", the idea being the baby doesn't (yet) realize that the "missing" caregiver is still present because they can no longer see a face. Same thing works with setting keys down and immediately forgetting where they are, or any similar "it's not here therefore it does not exist" item.

It seems your T is drawing a comparison between the more tangible version of this idea, and "love" as a detectible, observable phenomenon. That is, if we don't recognize it, then its presence is ultimately meaningless because we can't accept it anyway, seeing it as a threat or deception.

Suppose the shortest version of it would be, "If someone has never seen colors before, how do you explain 'blue' to them?" Lot of us have this kind of blindness to unconditional affection (or any affection).

 

[Symphony S]

May I suggest that you get paper and pen and write down what things you believe would make you lovable. Stop here before reading below.

Are you kind to the store clerk,? Do you say Hello to people? Do you encourage other people and support them the best that you can? Are you perfect? No and are any human beings? If what we do determines if we are perfectly lovable then no one is lovable.

If I ask myself, is a baby or child lovable when they are unable to do anything? Answer of course. If the knock over a glass or spit out their food, are they still lovable. Answer I may not like what they did and of course they are still loveable. If they keep me up all night, are they still loveable? Of course and I am very sleepy and their need may make the next day more difficult. If they are ill and acting out of not being well are they still loveable? Yes they are, they just don't feel well. They are lovable for who they are not what they do or don't do. They aren't lovable based on what they need help with or what they don't understand. Trauma makes relationships more difficult and that doesn't change lovability. Not everyone is patient, kind, understanding and mature enough to support the baby or small child or a trauma survivor. That is about them and how we behave. Trauma makes things difficult due to how it impacted us and what we were able to learn due to surviving the trauma. We need to heal and regardless of where I am, I am still lovable for even the little things. The question for me is, who has the capacity and maturity to love me as I am today.

 

[Mach123]

My first trauma therapist said this to me and started me on my journey to the Trauma institute at JRI. They were going to do EMDR and fix me . She didn’t know the whole story and that was overly optimistic but being optimistic was her job. Trauma therapy isn’t regular therapy or that’s my thinking now. It helped me a lot to be with people who knew what it meant to be like this. But they didn’t undo it. I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t know what that would look like . Loveable and whole could mean a lot of things . Successful with people I guess . Something like that.

 

[S800]

My first trauma therapist said this to me and started me on my journey to the Trauma institute at JRI. They were going to do EMDR and fix me . She didn’t know the whole story and that was overly optimistic but being optimistic was her job. Trauma therapy isn’t regular therapy or that’s my thinking now. It helped me a lot to be with people who knew what it meant to be like this. But they didn’t undo it. I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t know what that would look like . Loveable and whole could mean a lot of things . Successful with people I guess . Something like that.

I'm beginning to believe that "fixing" us isn't really the end-goal. That is, removing all the damage also removes a huge part of who we are, what we've done, and who we've affected over the years. What we CAN do is support more of our own, until our presence simply cannot be ignored by neurotypical/"well" people.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

For me it isn’t about fixing, it is about understanding myself. The more I understand how I have developed counter productive ways of dealing with life. Once I understand I can work on not responding in the counter productive manner. That isn’t something I will ever fully master but I can improve. I can talk to those close to me in an honest and open manner that mitigates the damage when I am dysregulated.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Should maybe start a new thread but reading here made me wonder. Do you want to be fixed? To undo anything and everything done and learnt?

Myself I find i do not want them to have happened, at the same time I am who I am because of what I have been through. I have been worse and better but I cannot undo others actions.

I would like to be safe, secure, have others understand, be helped and supported. At the same time want to help others have the same. That's a permanence that's has always been there despite everything.

I would say I am stronger and more resilient now. Can deal with more than many, more pain, confusion, bad events and not be knocked as low for as long as I used to.

We can love and be lovable, not something you can create or find I think. If it happens we have no choice in it and if it's real does it matter what you have been through and what your problems are as long as you keep working to improve yourself?