30 Day Recovery Challenge

[Bree]

Hello! For the last three days, I have been participating in a Recovery challenge. It consists of 30 questions designed to help individuals in recovery from everything like addictions, to mental disorders like PTSD. So far, I have found it very therapeutic in helping with my own PTSD. So I wanted to share the questions with everyone, and welcome others to participate with me. If you'd like to participate and share your answers, you can post them in this thread. We can discuss our answers with each other if we so choose, and we can offer each other support. Of course, that is optional. Here are the questions- I found them online.

This is how it will work: Once a day, please answer the question! If any are too personal or you are not comfortable answering, skip it! You can start or stop the challenge at anytime.

Day 1- Write a letter to your addiction (‘drug of choice’) or your disorder.
Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?
Day 3 - List 3 things you like about yourself.
Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?
Day 5 - How do you want to be remembered?
Day 6 - Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or has made you feel bad.
Day 7 - What are 2 things you want? What are 2 things you need?
Day 8 - If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?
Day 9 - Who do you look up to? Why?
Day 10 - List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.
Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?
Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?
Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?
Day 14 - Think about yourself one year ago, how have you changed?
Day 15 - When you are triggered, what do you tell yourself to calm down?
Day 16 - List 5 things you are grateful for.
Day 17 - What in your life has improved since you entered recovery?
Day 18 - Have you found a Higher Power (doesn’t have to be religious)? If so, what is it? If not, do you have any beliefs?
Day 19 - What is the hardest thing you had to give up because of your disorder/addiction?
Day 20 - Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Day 21 - What was your ‘rock bottom’? How did you overcome it?
Day 22 - Favorite quote(s) to live by?
Day 23 - How would you deal if your (future?) child had your addiction/disorder? What would you say to them?
Day 24 - Has having the internet helped or hurt your recovery? Why?
Day 25 - What/who in your life makes you smile ear to ear? Why?
Day 26 - What would you say to someone if they told you ‘I give up on my recovery. It’s too hard.’?
Day 27 - Tell us a story about yourself in the midst of your addiction/disorder. It can be positive or negative.
Day 28 - What do you feel is your greatest strength?
Day 29 - What are some of your favorite recovery blogs or sites?
Day 30 - What is the best part about being in recovery?

 

[Bree]

My answers-

Day 1- Write a letter to your addiction (‘drug of choice’) or your disorder. I already posted my answer to this in my intro, but I will post it again.

Dear Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,

You are a little f*cking c*nt. I want you to get the h*ll out of my life, for good. I am no longer going to tolerate you walking out for a couple of weeks, then suddenly popping back up at my door, and begging me, on your hands and knees, to take you back in. I am sick of these makeups and breakups. I am sick of staying up with you into the wee hours of the morning, and listening to you sob about your troubled childhood, about your mommy and daddy issues, about your abandonment issues, about your fear of violence and addictions and homelessness and everything else under the sun. I can not take on the burden of your problems any longer. They are too heavy for me.

I let your problems interfere with my life. Your issues are taking time away from my studies, my ability to maintain functional relationships, and my ability to create an amazing future for myself. Which is why I don’t want us to be together anymore. I am sorry if I sound harsh. It’s not that I am unsympathetic to all the adversity you’ve been through. I know for a fact that your childhood was ripped away from you too soon, and that no one deserves to experience the horrific events you were forced to endure. But lets get real for a minute here- you’re still living in those events, which are now in the past. I no longer want to do that. I want to stop talking about the drug infested slums we use live in, and leave that place far behind. I want to go out, and learn how to live in a functional society. We’re just in very different places in our life right now. While you insist on staying back, I am motivated and determined to move forward.

Leaving you is not going to be easy. We have been together for years, and we have built our life together. And honestly, I am thankful for every moment we have spent together. You, dear C-PTSD, have created me into the person I am today. Our relationship has taught me how to have strength in the darkest of times, how to get by in the cruel world, how be powerful and fight tooth and nail to get what I need. You taught me, above all other things, how to survive. Which is a skill most people my age don’t have a clue about. However, now that I am in a stable, safe environment, it is no longer beneficial for me to live in survival mode. Without you, I will have the time to focus on the present, and the time to focus on myself. I will have the freedom to discover the bright, energetic, creative, determined, absolutely beautiful person that I know I can be when you are not in my life. I am now investing all my energy into taking the steps necessary to remove you from my life. But before you go, I just want you to know that I will forever be thankful for all the gifts you have given me. And though I spend a lot of time resenting you, there will always be a little part of me that loves you for all we’ve been through.

So Love Always,
Bee

P.S. I’m sorry I called you a c*nt, you didn’t deserve that. It’s just my patience with all our fighting is wearing me thin.

Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?

Well, lets see. I spent my entire first year after developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in denial about my condition. When my parents suggested I needed to seek help for my emotional distress, I became extremely defensive. I was filled with anger, which in turn made me very self destructive. But that’s all behind me now, because I’ve finally admitted that I do need help. The biggest thing I’ve done to help myself with my disorder, is simply admitting to myself that I have a disorder, that does need fixing.

Now I’m seeking therapy, working in my DBT workbook, and attempting to gain a spiritual foundation and a closer connection to god.

Healing will come, but it’s all in small steps.


Day 3- List three things you like about yourself.

1) I’m really, really hot. Seriously. I love my ass and my D cup tits, and the fact that I just in general ooze sexuality. Sometimes when I think about offing myself, I begin to consider how unfair that is to all the people who might get to sleep with me. I shouldnt deprive them of that chance! hahahahaha

2) I am extremely passionate, spontaneous, and adventurous. When not going through my depression, I have a zeal for life that cannot be matched, and a deeply philosophical appreciation for every moment.

3) I am creative, in all that I do. I always have new ideas for poems and art projects and games and ways to better my life. I live to create and make art.

You know what, I’m just going to add one more.

4) I have a deep concern for humanity and a desire to make this world a better place. I want to stay alive to carry that desire out.

I realize all this sounds very conceited, but I took day three as a VERY welcome break from all the self-hatred I struggle with daily.

 

[Hashi]

Bree, thank you for sharing this. It's a really interesting idea, and I can see it's helpful. I'm not going to do this publicily here, but I'm going to think about it for myself.

I realize all this sounds very conceited, but I took day three as a VERY welcome break from all the self-hatred I struggle with daily.

No, it sounds very healthy. Recognising the good, likeable and lovable in ourselves can be tough. You've done well. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks from me too Bree, I'm always up for a challenge, I'll add these questions and mark it as a future challenge as I'm committed to doing round two of the Happiness Advantage. Most but not all of those questions, I've tackled at one point or another, but I think it would be good do do it 30 days in a row.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm in! I think this is a great idea. I likely won't be able to keep a 30 day pace, but I'll try. The first one is challenging. I'll think about it for a bit before I post my letter.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Bree. I will try one per day. I was just thinking- or noticing or remembering- whatever the word, how frustrating it is, the post fall-out of a bad moment. :( I couldn't write out #1, that's too threatening for me but I did it 'in my head'. It helps a lot, thank you.

 

[Bree]

I'm just happy that it can benefit others! :D And if your answer for the one of the days is too personal, then feel free to skip publicly posting your answer. It's great that others are joining me in this. :D

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

Well, it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for my dad and my step mom, who took me in after I developed PTSD. They've been doing everything in their power to heal me, but you know, sometimes it just gets to be too much. Everyone who tries to help me gets a little irritable with my disorder.

For example, during one of my panic attacks, my father came up and hugged me. I struggled against him and kicked him to get loose, then I ran away, screaming, and accusing him of wanting to physically beat me up. Now, logically, I know for a fact my father would never do such a thing. It was the panic attack talking. But he didn't understand that, so he took it very, very personal, and he spent the next few days angry at me for ever accusing him of wanting to do such a thing.

And of course, there was the deep seated sorrow and bitter fury my dad and step mom had, when they found out I had been contemplating suicide. That devastated them. It devastated my best friend too.

Then there was the stress of my parents having to change their schedules around and give up hobbies that they loved, just so they could babysit me 24/7 for two straight months in order to make sure I didn't hurt myself.

And that's not counting the days they've wasted away and the money they've spent making sure I have a great therapist and the right medication ECT...

So... my rents have basically gone through hell trying to help me get better. In turn, I want to heal, to make sure their efforts were not wasted. I want to be the best me I can be, for them.

Other then my parents and my best friend, I really annoyed my ex-boyfriend by calling him for constant support every time I got a panic attack. I also annoyed him by staying at his house when he didn't really want me there. I was just so desperate for a place where I could feel isolated and escape from the world, and from my PTSD. I couldn't do that at my own house, with my parents there. That boyfriend later broke up with me for being too emotionally unstable and too much to deal with. Apparently I was causing him great stress. He was the second guy to break up with me for that reason. But hey, I had warned this boyfriend in advance of my emotional problems, and he said he wanted to try and help me through them anyways.

Lets see, who else have I hurt... Before I realized I was doing it, I led A LOT of guys on and really messed with their emotions big time, so I could get the validation I lacked in my childhood.

I guess that about covers the people I've hurt with my PTSD. My new goal is to begin being aware of how my actions so deeply affect others. I truly believe we're all interconnected, and that if something has a negative affect on one of us, then it has a negative affect on everyone around us. So I want to start filling my life, and the lives of those around me, with Love.

 

[Bree]

Day 5 - How do you want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered as a loving, compassionate person. I want to be remembered as an individual who used her artistic abilities to ease a little of the world's pain. I want to be remembered as a free-spirit, who adventured, and dared, and lived her life according to her own integrity, and not the status-quo.

 

[cookinggal]

I think I might give this a try soon it sounds like a good idea.

 

[Bree]

Day 6- Write a letter to someone who has hurt you

Dear Mommy,

I love you, always. I miss you, and I think of you every single day that passes by. I miss all the times when we were so happy together. I miss playing Gin Rummy with you, going to carnivals with you, and talking to you for hours during long road trips. Mostly, I just miss your hugs, because they made me feel so loved, and so safe. When things get very hard, I miss your hugs more than anything in the world. But the you I miss is the sober, fun-loving, creative you. The woman that took me swimming in the summertime, that made me hemp jewelry, and painted pictures of suns and moons for me to hang up on my bedroom wall. I miss the woman that liked to play really loud music, and dance happily in the kitchen.

But I don't miss the addict. I'm sorry, but she didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. The addict manipulated me daily. She sold and ruined all my stuff, obviously without my consent. She ridiculed me, degraded me, and projected all her bad behaviors on me, until I was weighed down with guilt and self-hatred. She had me actually believing that if I had been a better daughter, then she wouldn't have smoked crack. She made me, a high school girl, feel responsible for her drug addiction. The addict also depended on me to clean up not only all the physical mess she made, but her emotional mess as well. She also expected me to take care of my little brother, and two pit bulls, practically single handedly. She lashed out in fury when I, a teenager, could'nt keep the household together. She put her wants ahead of my needs, never giving me a stable place to live, moving me around too much, forcing me to go without electricity, heat, and transportation. She made me eat bread and cheese from food banks for a straight month, because she had exchanged all the food stamps for drug money. Hell, she even spent what would have been my college tuition, on drugs. She took one thousand dollars from my best friend, then never paid her back. Ultimately, she deprived me of a childhood, exposed me to things even a grown man should never have had to endure, and put me directly in danger. She hurt me really badly.

But just because she hurt me doesn't mean I am mad at her. I forgive her, for absolutely everything.

Because mommy- I know you did the best you absolutely could, given your limited coping mechanisms, and your distorted understanding of the world. You grew up without a childhood, too, so when you had me, you didn't know how to give me one. All you've ever known and seen is the poor, druggie strung out life. That's how you were taught to live. You didn't provide me with a solid understanding of how to be a successful adult, but of course, you can't teach what you don't know. So I will never, ever, ever, hold a grudge against you. My heart is filled with love every time I think of you. I know that you didn't intentionally hurt me. I know you loved me all the while.

It will be hard for me to ever trust you again. But if you ever get help, get clean, and turn yourself into the police for all the identity theft and other crimes you've done, then I will more than gladly welcome you back into my life. In the meantime just know that I love you, okay? I pray for you all the time. We're together in spirit. And I just can't wait until the day when I might get to hug you again.

Love Always,
Your Little Girl

 

[Lynnkaz]

This is such a good idea, thank you so much for sharing this! :)

 

[Lynnkaz]

Day 1-
Dear PTSD, why is it that you make me feel so insecure? I guess I'm ashamed of you, so I hide you because I don't want the people around me to suffer with me. Let's face it, you're a bitch and you're not necessarily something I'd want to introduce to all of my friends. You make me feel so small in so many ways.

Why do you bring back the things I try so hard to forget? Why do you want to make me replay the memories over and over again in my head? You're not helping me, you just prevent me from living a normal life like everyone else. You keep me from sleeping, from turning the lights off, from trusting my family and my friends.

I often wonder what my life would be with if you weren't in it. I don't like you, and I wish you'd leave me alone so that I could try to move on in life.