30 Day Recovery Challenge

[Bree]

Glad you joined me Lynn!

Day 7 - What are 2 things you want? What are 2 things you need?

Wants

1) I want to learn how to play the electric guitar.
2) I want to one day own a beautiful, spotted Bengal Cat.

Needs

1) I need to create, and make art, in order to survive.
2) I need love from my three best friends.

 

[The Albatross]

Round two of the Happiness Advantage 21 day challenge is full... so I'm switching my goal to accomplishing this with you Bree and Lynn Kaz.

Day 1- Write a letter to your addiction (‘drug of choice’) or your disorder.

Dear PTSD,

You have been with me for a very long time, and I don't need you anymore. Neurologically and physically you make me sick. Literally. To cope with you I drank way too much and almost died. You creep around the edges of my waking and sleeping thoughts and deliver shocks to my system and keep me unsettled and afraid even though no danger is present. Seemingly randomly.

You have cost me much in money and in relationships. You almost cost me my life. Thank you for your service, but it's time for you to leave. I am a big girl now and I know how to manage trauma and adversity and grief. So step aside and leave me in peace. Let me manage my own life and my own symptoms now. I have what it takes and can do it consistently.

You are obsolete and you're continued presence harms me more than it helps. I am taking my life back right now, TODAY and you are history. Heretofore, May Day is the anniversary of my liberation from you. I intend to celebrate this day from here on in, each year every year come what may, because it is the day I told you that I'm capable, competent, and able to take back the reigns to live my life. You may always be part of the ride, but you are not in the saddle anymore. So shut up and enjoy the view.

Alby

 

[Bree]

I found your letter empowering, Albatross. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?

I have tried mutual aid forums, self help books, therapy, meditation, exercise, inspirational reading, returning to a faith based life based on spiritual discipline and principles, reliance on others (friends and family), medication, a call to a suicide hotline, separating from my spouse for a period after a particular trauma, cutting off toxic people, stress reduction, breath work, Reiki, acupressure, cranial sacral, acupuncture, prayer, by phone or relationships with other suffers to get feed back and perspective, various massage techniques, a life coach, alcohol and tobacco, a couples anonymous group, 12 step groups, secular recovery for people with co-occurring behaviors, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, free flow stream of consciousness therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, even some trans-actual analysis (way back in the day, when I was a teenager), ambient music, soglio frequencies, Kinesiology, psychotherapy, and small group therapy. There are probably more. Face to face, online, self study, workbooks, some self hypnosis tapes... the most recent is The Happiness Trap (ACT), The Happiness Advantage (positive psychology), and a book on intimacy called Struggle for ... Intimacy (Adult Child of Alcoholics literature, I've found to be helpful for my dysfunctional family/child issues & traumas).

A whole bunch. I have done a whole bunch.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 3 - List 3 things you like about yourself.

Hmmmm.

I like my heart.
I like my mind.
I like my spirit.

(still working on body and soul)

Interesting because I had a reaction to qualify the above. But I won't do it, except to say that I like my mind although it is prone to snafoo from time to time, it is faulty but not irreparably broken.

 

[Bree]

(Adult Child of Alcoholics literature, I've found to be helpful for my dysfunctional family/child issues & traumas).

May I have some of the titles of these books that you've found helpful?

 

[The Albatross]

Well the most obvious one I did as a 365 day challenge once, it was the daily reading: Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner. Then there was Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families, ACA WSO INC. (the official text of the 12 step program). I just did Adult Children of Alcoholics, Struggle for Intimacy and have yet to do The Self-Sabotage Syndrome. The latter two are now available as a sourcebook but I prefer to find the original publications.

My second husband is a product of alcoholic/dysfunctional neglect... and I also did The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (not ACOA, but AA I believe)

 

[Bree]

Day 8 - If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?

Dear 12th grade me,

First in forth most, I want you to know that you are absolutely, stunningly beautiful. And no, not just in the physical sense (though you're beautiful physically too).

You are beautiful in SPIRIT. You are kind, generous, and loving. You have sacrificed your whole life to aid and protect your family. So don't listen to mom's degrading insults, ok. Don't believe them for one single nanosecond. You are not judgemental , you are not a bitch, you are not a bad daughter, and you are not responsible for mom's drug addiction. The words mom says aren't gospel. Honestly, she just enjoys saying things that hurt others. It makes her feel better about herself when she hurts you. I know that you won't believe me for quit sometime, but mom is just a really bad person.

I want you to know that despite what she says, you are simply doing the best you can, given the limited amount of resources and the limited amount of adult guidance that you have to work with. And that's ok, ok?

Later in life, you'll learn to appreciate yourself some more. You will learn that you are nothing less than a divine daughter of your God and your Goddess, and that fact alone, makes you so imperfectly perfect. So try and stand a little taller, baby, and just know that you're special.

Also, know that you are a strong, intelligent, artistic, talented individual. Don't be so afraid of failure, that you stop acting and stop writing. I'll tell you something- your creativity is going to be your only savior through these hard times. Indulge in it wholeheartedly. Yea, so you're seventeen and your art is a little rough around the edges. So you're not ready just yet to be the star of the show, or to publish a best selling novel. Keep your faith in yourself, okay? In order to succeed, you must first fail and fail, and fail again. You must create, and create, and create A LOT of bad work, until you are able to reach your full potential. So don't create for perfection, or for praise, alright? Create for you. Because it makes you happy. Because you deserve it! Because it is your soul's joy! And just know that anything you create, though it may be rough, it is still beautiful, because it is a reflection of you.

And I'll tell you again, because I know you need to hear it again, that you, my dear, ARE BEAUTIFUL! Far beyond what you know.

Also- a little tip- don't depend on anyone but yourself to save you from your current situation. Especially not a fifteen year old kid who's lazy, doesn't care about much aside from Green Day, and has his own troubled childhood to work through. Not saying he isn't great. Cause he is, in his own unique, wonderful way. But hun, he's just way too immature and young to be your emotional crutch in these hard times. And he's not capable of whisking you away, and saving you from your mom's shit. That's fairy tale stuff, babe.

I want you to know now, he is going to leave you, because your turbulent emotions and living situation will be too much for him to deal with. He will leave you when you are at rock bottom, when your world is crashing down. You will run to him for comfort, but honey, instead of hugging you, he's gunna tell you that you and your life is too much to deal with, then he's just gunna walk away for good.

And that's okay. I want you to know that just because he leaves you like this, it doesn't make him a horrible, disgusting person whose guts you should hate. In fact, it makes him nothing more than a normal fifteen year old boy, who, like even a good amount of adults, isn't prepared to deal with a living situation so traumatic.

Also, while we're on the subject, him leaving you doesn't make you unlovable, or too much to deal with, or too emotional for anyone to handle. You are a passionate, wild, fiery girl, who feels and lives deeply, and has been through a lot of challenges in a short amount of time. You are complex, and strange- you're not someone just any normal person is going to know how to love. You require someone who can accept how hurt you've been. And that's ok. In fact, it's kind of beautiful. You'll meet that person one day.

That being said, you're still going to have to be you're own savior. Be your own hero. Do not rely on anyone else to pick up all your broken pieces, or to mend you when things fall apart. It's a dirty job, but it's one you're going to have to suck up and do on your own. I know I already said this stuff to you, but it'll do you good to hear it again. You're strong enough to save yourself. I believe in you. And I love you.

Oh- and one more thing. Once you do decide to save yourself and run, life is not suddenly going to be amazing. I'll tell you now, and I know you hate to hear this, but the worst is yet to come. All you're going through right now is going to leave some pretty nasty wounds and scars behind. They will take the form of mental illnesses, of isolation and weeks spent crying in bed, among other things. I want you to know that as I write this, life is far from easy. But I'm hanging in there. Because like you, I'm strong.

And since I watched you get through your situation with your mom, I know that I myself can get through anything. We're survivors.

 

[Bree]

Thank Albatross! I'll check out that stuff soon. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Day 4 - Have you emotionally harmed anyone (besides yourself) with your addiction/disorder? If so, how?

I have harmed myself, both my ex and current spouse, my parents, my brother, my in-laws, and my various co-workers. How, was defensiveness, high creativity, judgmental or critical reactions to them, acting out in anger, and abandoning them with depression and booze. Sometimes people were scared of me, sometimes they were scared for me, sometimes I was scared of them.

As the traumas accumulated, I became more and more prone to rage and less able to reasonably communicate with people. I was a pretty big mess. They were so afraid of me, they didn't suggest intervention for me. I hit my bottom and got myself detoxed and into recovery for booze. As I recovered I began to understand that I had "problems other than alcohol" and started tackling the ADD/ADHD, and then the PTSD.

I was angry at being so ill prepared for life. I didn't know how to cope and neither did they... both families are chock full with dysfunctions and problem behaviors. I was pretty out of control at my worst. I've dealt with these things in my step 4's so I don't need to go back into specifics. I did though learn that I had a big problem and needed have assistance as a result of in depth exploration of this question. The practice of listing all the specific items has been beneficial for me, they are a private (off the forum) thing that is reviewed with an independent third party.

Fear based thinking and perceptions were the main theme, resentments, and anger too. I knew I had to change.

 

[The Albatross]

Oops, sorry about the necessary edit. Also "creativity" was supposed to be "re-activity".

 

[The Albatross]

Day 5 - How do you want to be remembered?

I have some fundamental disconnects with this question. It is an area I have struggled with periodically. When I read this question I first think of my husband and extended family and sibling because I will likely survive my mother. And I find that except for my spouse, I don't frankly care to be remembered at all.

If I think of generally how I want to be remembered, the best I can muster is genuine, candid, mostly helpful, and maybe "willing to go above and beyond". Beyond that, I have no drive or ambition to be remembered. Though oddly, I do tend to favorably remember those who have died and try to honor their memory and be grateful for the time they were in my life. I think it's a self worth difficulty.

I don't tend to think very much about my place in the world or if the world is a better place with or without me in it. I am here, I will one day be gone and that is all. Just another leaf that has fallen from the tree. One among many, unremarkable.

I will not be survived by children as I was not able to have any. So I sort of imagine myself as a trail of footsteps on the beach. When my tide comes in I will be erased. I have less interest in being memorialized than I do getting through living without causing irreparable harm to someone.