8 common reasons why people stay in abusive relationships

[Dr. E. C. Gordon]

If you've never experienced an abusive relationship yourself, you may feel frustrated or thoroughly confused by those who choose to stay with physically or emotionally abusive partners. Meanwhile, if you suspect you're being abused, you may struggle to understand why you haven't yet left. However, there are actually many powerfully motivating factors that lead some people to stay in abusive relationships. Here are eight of the most common of these reasons--do any of them apply to you, or to people you love?

#1 Wondering if abuse is deserved

If you have a history of low self-esteem, you may be quick to assume that you actually deserve any abuse you experience. In addition, you may hope that you can escape future abuse if you can become "better"--perhaps more attractive, more supportive or less annoying. Even if you used to be confident, it's possible to be so worn down by years of abuse that you begin to believe you deserve poor treatment--especially if your partner keeps offering rationalizations or alleged justifications for their actions.

#2 Assuming that only physical abuse is real abuse

While it's true that many abusive relationships are characterized by physical assaults (ranging from slaps to life-threatening beatings), it's important to note that emotionally abusive relationships can be just as damaging. While emotional abuse doesn't cause cuts and bruises, it does undermine self-esteem and can destroy your sense of self. It may involve overt threats or cruel insults, but it's also emotionally abusive to subtly encourage your partner to doubt their judgement, talent, attractiveness or worth.

#3 Fear

There are several forms of fear that can keep you trapped in an abusive relationship. Firstly, you might fear being alone, and assume that you'll never find another partner. You may even have heard your current partner say this so often that you've started to believe this relationship is the best you could expect to have. Secondly, you might actually fear for your personal safety or for that of your children. You might wonder if your partner will hurt you or other members of the family if you try to leave, or you might be concerned that social services will opt to place your children with the abusive parent.

#4 Familiarity

As many therapists will tell you, there is a wealth of evidence that you are attracted to what is familiar. This often happens at an unconscious level, but can still have a powerful impact on partner choice. For example, if you grew up witnessing some form of abuse in your family, you might later find yourself in an abusive relationship of your own. Family messages also play a role here--if your mother or father always stuck with their abusive spouse, shouldn't you try to do the same? Sadly, people who have previously experienced some form of abuse may also think the abuse doled out by their current partner isn't "really that bad" in comparison.

#5 Feelings of sympathy

As hard as it can be for an outside observer to understand, plenty of abuse victims feel intense empathy for their abusers. Apologies, promises and remorse can lead you to stay in a relationship even after experiencing significant physical or emotional wounds. If this person has a particularly sad or difficult past, you may even feel responsible for taking care of them and helping them to find happiness. In some cases, abusers threaten suicide at the thought of losing a partner, and love or sympathy keeps their victims paralyzed. Further, it's common for abusive partners to be generous, passionate kind and loving when they're not being violent or cruel--this can lead to a confusing sense that the abuser is "two people" (and to the fantasy that the "bad person" will eventually disappear).

#6 External pressure

Pressure to stay in a relationship can also come from family or society. For example, you might be well aware that you are being abused, but feel trapped by the thought of what your parents or wider community will say or do if you leave. Religious beliefs are significant motivators here, especially when marriage vows are a factor. Sometimes, family members may even go so far as to say that you will be disowned if you end your marriage.

#7 Reliance

Most abusers are experts at acquiring control, which can leave their partners immensely dependent. You might have little access to your finances, and therefore have no plausible way to book a ticket out of town. Since it's also common for abusers to isolate their victims from friends and family, you might also feel that you will have nowhere to live if you leave.

#8 Hope

Finally, if you still feel deep love for your partner, that alone may motivate you to stay in a relationship that has become abusive. You may daydream about a happier future--one in which your partner has reformed and treats you like an equal. You may treasure the moments of genuine intimacy you experience in the relationship, and you may believe that therapy could save your partnership. It is hugely challenging to leave a relationship when there is still a sense of love and connection.

In sum, there are many powerful reasons why a person might stay in an abusive relationship. However, if the above sounds familiar and you worry that you or someone you love may be experiencing abuse, it's vital that you reach out for help. There are many confidential services you can access for support and advice as you consider your options.

 

[FadeawayLife]

This article is simply amazing. People often ask the question of why didn’t they leave. This does a good job of answering. I wish everyone could read this.

 

[ladee]

I entered the relationship a confident contributing member of society. I looked up one day and did not recognize myself anymore. I started therapy which he made very difficult. I found a way, and left. I had no idea who. I was anymore.
Everything in the article applied to me. The abuse was do insidious and he was very good at tearing me down slowly.
I didn’t even know I was choosing myself when I left. Just knew I was dying a slow painful death.
Best choice I ever made. And found myself again and was and am, a much wiser woman today.
Great article!

 

[UniqueSunflower]

These characteristics sound all too familiar. My MOST abusive relationship was with the man that sexually assaulted me although I’ve started entering relationships since which have had some of the abusive characteristics noted. Even though I’ve gotten out of them after recognizing red flags, it’s felt discouraging in that it seems I’ll never find a relationship that doesn’t contain these things. I would never choose to be with someone who was abusive just to be in a relationship and at times feel I’m better off staying alone. I’d prefer though to eventually have a life partner.

 

[ladee]

The hardest cycle for me to break has been with my son. I have been in denial and guilt for so long. After all he has a PTSD mom!
It has been very slow progress. Still working on it. But have also made progress.
One day I will be at complete no contact. I will get there.

 

[Peggy1]

Good stuff. Nice summary of key points of why I still hold on to something that is headed no where. Oh, yes, I managed to get him to leave. But why, after nearly a year, do I remain married? And see him regularly? This article outlines exactly my reasons. All of them. Yet while I’m aware, perfectly aware, I don’t see myself ever letting go completely. Mad at myself for that. Wish I was stronger.

 

[mamachick]

Very good article. I relate to so much in the article and to members posts about the article. I know exactly what you mean Peggy, and I seem to have some exaggerated fear of unknown. He was out of house for 13 yrs and still not divorced. I could give good reasons for postponing but we can justify anything. There is no reasonable answer, just my justifications or excuses. After all this time, I agreed to date him if he did certain things, and I agreed to others. That was 2and half yrs ago and its the same old stuff. First he asked to stay in guest room for a night here and there and now has practically moved in. Now I am starting process over again with him around. He was not usually physically abusive, once in fist few yrs when I was pregnant, and once over a year ago. I don’t think my situation is as easy to define but there has always been and remains financial abuse among the rest. I am not the person that I was, confident , strong, passionate about life. I feel like the little child without any power. I am working on this.

 

[Ren1]

Oh wow!! You can change the names but the stories remain the same!! I had to sell my home at a bargain basement price just to get out alive. Broken cheekbone on my birthday, 3 broken ribs with his steel-capped boots, hairline fracture in skull, once left me bleeding on the bathroom floor with a concussion and took my car and wallet AFTER trying to strangle me – the list is endless, yet I had no excuse, it was my house, no kids and cops pulled out not one but THREE intervention orders yet I still protected him because of all the trauma in his past. ! I could have had him locked up a number of times!!! I pitied HIM – go figure!! I no longer recognised myself either, – house, job, PhD gone!!! When he started on the drugs I knew I was either going to get out or truly die!! I’ve been diagnosed with cPTSD but won’t take meds or go down the clinical approach as I find it all well, too clinical (and the fact that I’m kind of ashamed!) I grew up in a violent household so why on earth would I subject myself to that again?? I was drinking myself to an early grave just to escape the nightmare that had become my life!! And he was a Christian (I’m not)
My head is still reeling at the crazy absurdity of it all now that I’m talking about it with family and friends – I STILL can’t get my head around the last three and half years!! But then again it’s only been a few months. What I have found to help is kinesiology, body balance, holographic kinetics and some other, what I would have once considered, weird and wacky therapies- oh and being good to myself!!