Sufferer A Brief Intro- Need Support

[Haileesmom]

Hello all. This is my first time on here so I'll introduce myself first. I had an ongoing 6 month ordeal when I was 14. It was an extremely abusive relationship with someone I was "dating" that included threats against my family and when I finally found the courage to get out of it, it ended very badly. That's all I am comfortable saying at this point.

I finally decided to go to a therapist for smoking cessation when I was in college (20 yrs old) and when discussing why I started smoking, was labeled with PTSD. After three sessions and her wanting details, I got scared and ran. I'm now 29, married and have a daughter. I've just "dealt" with my symptoms and refusing to believe the diagnosis all these years but have been having marital problems resulting in us seeking counseling. From there, I've started seeing my own therapist who specializes in PTSD who just diagnosed me with complex PTSD.

My first session last week was 2 hours and she's very kind and willing to take things at my own pace. She didn't push me or anything. She plans on using CPT therapy. My fear and guilt/shame symptoms are out of control as well as obsessive behaviors. I know I need help and my husband is behind this and I truly want to stick with it and get help but I'm scared of running again.

All of this has opened up the memories I've tried to suppress for 15 years and I'm falling into a deep depression. I'm barely eating, can't sleep, very anxious. My therapist warned me that starting therapy would cause me to get pretty bad for a while but how long does it take to settle back down? I know I haven't been "normal" in all these years but when will this overwhelming feeling of starting therapy settle down some?

Thanks in advance for any advice. I just feel hopeless right now. All I've read is that the sooner you seek treatment, the better the prognosis and it's been 15 years so I feel like a lost cause right now.

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

A Warm welcome and a :hug: if you accept it.

Laurie

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Welcome to the forum. Our path, seems to bear some similarities. I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I was 16. I had a year to try and come to terms with it. It was decreed by the abuser, "Boy. You've had over a year to get this past you, enough of this B#ll Sh@T with the therapist and head shrinks. You did this sh#t to yourself, own it, suck it up, deal with it, time to move on boy!"

and, that was that...

Fast forward 26 years later.

2nd marriage is in tatters. Wife wants to leave me. We got 3 kids. I can't keep a job. 41 in 14 years. Depressed,suicidal, angry, moody, horrendous, intrusive images of the past blow into my mind, friends are distancing themselves, doesn't play well with others.(2 years ago)

I surrendered. Last time I went through this, I was homeless, divorced, dropped out of college a month away from graduating, drank until I blacked out...wasn't going through that again (28 years old, I am 45 today) I went to a counselor to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Counselor says, "Hey pal...your PTSD is SCREAMING at me." My exact words, "No way, _______ (trauma) was way in the past, there is no way it's bothering me today." She said, "No. It sets the tempo to your life, and your families life."

Since that time with her: In/out hospital ER 5 times, 1 hospitilization, suicidal two times last fall and summer, went missing for 14 hours, police helicopter patrolled mountains where I went hiding after threatening suicide after heated argument with wife. I came home, they put me in handcuffs dragged me to the hospital in front of the neighbors, I've had 5 jobs, I've screamed at supervisors, there are days I don't have the energy to breathe, flashbacks are so severe, I see new ones now, I was finally diagnosed with Delayed Onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in September last year and I recognize what ICD 309.81 stands for.

I am in therapy 3 times a week, once with a doctor so we can review my medications and they grow weekly, I also see a trauma specialist. They say, it gets worse before it gets better.

I knew it was complex PTSD that drove me to a self-inflicted gun-shot wound in 1986 @ at the age of 16. I know it's complex ptsd and ptsd that left me homeless in 1998. I know it's the delayed onset baggage that nearly destroyed my life again over the last 2 years. They say it will get worse before it get's better. I hope not. But if it does, I know I am strong, I am a survivor. I survived, beyond, and back.

This is serious stuff. Get as many resources as you can and use them. It can hurt innocent people. It can leave you for dead, homeless etc. This is a great forum and I welcome you. Take time to read the stories here and how others cope or struggle to cope it may help validate much of what you are feeling.

Wishing you the very best in life, may you find the answers to your questions on your road to recovery.

 

[Nam]

It has to feel kinda crappy when you first start to deal with it. The armor (denial) has to come off. You have to see and accept those wounds. All of that hurts a great deal. But it's the only way to heal those wounds. Even after the wounds heal, the pain still lingers some and certain triggers will take you right back there. With practice, it'll get better each time. From my experience, the acute stage is about a year. This is when therapy is very important. It's when you are the most dependent on others for support. After that, you can gradually add responsibilities like working, hobbies, etc. It's been 10 years since my diagnosis and I'm still taking medications. I believe I probably will for a long while yet even though doctors say that I'm on such a low dosage that it wouldn't be doing anything anyway. Healing is not a linear graph. It has ups, downs, switch backs, and curves. You have to remember to just keep putting one foot in front of the other toward your goal.

 

[Haileesmom]

Thank you all for your welcomes, support and sharing your stories. It's just all very overwhelming right now but I'm determined. Luckily, I've never actually tried suicide or any self harm. I hope to never reach that point. I want to get better for my daughter (15 months old) and husband as much as for myself. My daughter means the world to me.... She's my reason to keep going. I'll face anything to make a better life for her.

 

[intothelight]

@Haileesmom Welcome to the forum!

As you read through the therapy posts, it is pretty common to find that symptoms worsen at the start of therapy before they get better. It is important to be stable enough and have enough tools to be able to manage the spike in symptoms. I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.