Dom Violence A Different Kind Of Dv

[ChandraD]

This is the first place I am telling my story in the context of DV. For a long time I hesitated to consider my situation in this light. I adopted a daughter at age 3. She was substance exposed, neglected and little did I know at the time, bipolar, autistic and cognitively disabled. Due to this mixture of diagnoses and early childhood experiences she has a very small tolerance to frustration and can become very violent. For several years between the ages 8 and 15 she would have escalations that lasted about an hour. She would hit, kick, bit and scratch me non stop during that time. I would be bruised and hurt afterward. Sometimes this would happen several times a day. For years I sucked it up and was able to tell myself that it was her disability. Around age 12 she started destroying the house as well. We had to remove all breakables. Nothing on the walls. Plastic everything.

I adjusted my life around her. I walked on eggshells. I set boundaries with her often, as that is what was needed, knowing she would lose it and I would get beat up. The hyper vigilance was constant. As you can imagine I developed PTSD from the years of living like this. Additionally I have trauma in my childhood that has compounded it. She was placed in a group home last year, but had to return home with us for three weeks in January. The stress of living with my trigger sent me over the edge. Any sign of her being unhappy or in distress triggered me. I ended up in the hospital after a big panic attack which lead to thoughts of self harm for the first time in my life. One month later I was back for suicidal ideation. I have never had psychiatric issues other than depression. Now my life has changed. I can't work. I can't go to school. I have applied for disability. I am in therapy twice a week and on three medications.

I appreciate a forum where I can share my story. Thank you to everyone.

 

[GwenDR]

That's an exceptionally difficult and complicated situation. I've not been in it, but I know you're not the only parent who's been through that kind of experience. We tend to think of parents as guardians and children as the wards (and they are), so it's hard to think of children as filling the abuser role towards parents. But the kind of situation you described is in a lot of ways just that, and certainly traumatic.

I'm glad you were able to talk about it. You're not wrong in how you feel, and I hope you're able to recover as much as possible. Hoping for the best, for you and your daughter. :hug:

 

[Deadman]

For a long time I hesitated to consider my situation in this light.

Its amazing how well we can hide whats happening from our selves isn't it?

 

[Freedomfighter]

This is the first place I am telling my story in the context of DV. For a long time I hesitated to co...

That is a very sad situation for you. You were so dedicated to make her life better, but there was nothing else you could have done. Don't blame yourself, now you need to concentrate on getting better yourself.

When violent children grow up there is nothing a caretaker can do other then to get them into a home where they are monitored by personell that has experience with that.

No caretaker should get beaten up.

 

[Twilight]

This is the first place I am telling my story in the context of DV. For a long time I hesitated to co...

I am sorry to hear this. You tried to do something good and it backfired on you. Were you "trained" as a child to be a caretaker? And to deny your own needs in order to make others happy? I ask this bc that was my story and I think i see it in yours. We will live with impossible circumstances bc we think our duty is to take care of others and neglect ourselves. Please take care of yourself and try to heal from the place where you are now. Maybe explore what in your life led up to this moment where now you are maybe looking at your past traumas.

 

[ChandraD]

I am sorry to hear this. You tried to do something good and it backfired on you. Were you "trained"...

Overcomer, you are exactly right. The oldest of 4 in an alcoholic family. I was the caretaker of my siblings. I am making connections left and right with therapy. My grandmother was schizophrenic, which I did not know until I was an adult. I spent a lot of time with her those formative years 1-5. I don't recall much. My daughter has autism and bipolar with psychosis. So at some level, all the chaos felt normal. I did not realize how unhealthy it was for me to live with her day in and day out. She has been hospitalized 8 times since age 6. She's almost 16 now and possibly headed to another one. Fun, fun!!! Grrrrrr.

 

[Kintsugi]

I work in a group home environment for people with a huge spectrum of disabilities. Let me tell you, even though some behavioral challenges are "just the disability," it doesn't make the real damage caused any less valid. I don't think most parents can cope with the level of vigilance some people require to be safe and taken care of. We do 24/7 care in shifts of three, meaning we don't get burnt out as quickly (although burn out is a problem). We get time off. Vacations. We come back fresh. Parents don't get that luxury, and that is unthinkable to me. We also get the benefit of constant training and re-training. I really don't see how anyone could cope without all of that help, and I really feel for you. Really really do.

 

[ChandraD]

I work in a group home environment for people with a huge spectrum of disabilities. Let me tell you...

Thank you Simon. I appreciate your perspective. It validates our concerns. She was arrested tonight for throwing a Tupperware of cucumbers at a staff and it left a mark. She was charged with assault. I am F...ing mad! The staff called her a mother f..ing c... in response. She's never been arrested. She has PTSD as well. These staff who don't know what the hell they are doing are making things worse. I can't manager her at home due to my PTSD. What do we do? We are considering lawyers and the media.

 

[GwenDR]

@ChandraD Oh, no! I really hope you're able to help her, that's not an environment she needs to be in. I don't have any answers or suggestions, unfortunately. I don't know about media or not, but I'd go way beyond considering a lawyer. Seems mandatory in this case, and they would be able to give you necessary advice.

 

[Kintsugi]

@ChandraD That is insane... no matter what the people we support do, we don't press criminal charges. I've never heard of such a thing. They can be charged by community members (if we're out shopping and someone bites a member of the public), but we don't do that!

You can PC me with more specifics about the agency if you'd like. I don't remember if these laws are federal or state, but if they called her names and she was distressed by it, that constitutes verbal abuse, which has loads of consequences, including being placed on a registry so that the employee can never work with vulnerable populations again.

 

[ChandraD]

@ChandraD That is insane... no matter what the people we support do, we don't pr...

How do I do the private messaging?

 

[GwenDR]

If you click on the three bars in the upper right corner, the popup includes an envelope. Click on the envelope, and select "start new message" to send someone a new message.