A Failure At Being Sexually Abused

[pi314159]

Hi All,

I've been in therapy for about 4 months and I have been told I have complex ptsd (despite the fact it's not a real diagnosis). I find this really hard to believe.

I was sexually abused by 2 neighbours growing up (one when I was 6 and another when I was 12)....but in my opinion the abuse wasn't bad enough to justify ptsd. There are lots of gaps in my memories but the parts I remember I think about every day. I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why both of them just wanted to touch me, have me touch them and rub up against me but not actually have sex with me.

I don't understand how someone can spend months convincing a child they should be willing to have sex with them and then when the child agrees – stop the abuse. It's left me feeling like I'm a failure at being abused and have spent my life feeling like I need someone to abuse me properly. I know how messed up it sounds but I just can't get over it - I feel so inadequate unless I imagine someone cares enough about me to abuse me badly. I have the most inappropriate and disgusting thoughts, but if I don't let myself think them, I just feel pathetic and empty. I can't do anything sexual unless I feel like I have no control or I'm being degraded.

I understand that I'm now an adult who is capable of making decisions and therefore cannot be coerced into an inappropriate sexual relationship. The only solution I can think of is tracking down the 2 neighbours and having sex with them now – clearly that is stupid – but how else do I make this crap go away? How can I justify any hurt feelings when people have endured terrible abuse and what happened to me was so comparably not traumatic? I’m convinced I need to be punished but my eating disorder and self harm don’t seem to fix my problem. The abuse needs to be from someone else, someone in a position of power.

How do I get better?

Thanks for reading,
Pi314159

 

[Lionheart]

I was abused sexually and I felt inadequate and deserving of more abuse. For the longest time I sought out people to abuse me, but it was never a fulfilling act and I kept repeating the behavior. Then I would get drunk to block out my feelings, but when I would sober up, I would seek out more abusive encounters, usually with strangers. It is as if I had to pick up where the perpetrators left off.

Even if the sexual contact stopped once you agreed, it is still sexual abuse and has the same type of after-effects. I would like to invite you to the PTSD forums' sister site to discuss this further.... [DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/forum/[/DLMURL]

Peace,
LH

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[jo may]

Hi and welcome :)

I was raped repeated by my abuser and I am not just saying this, I see no difference between what happened to me and what happened to you. You were a child and therefore the blame lies with them.

I honestly think your still in shock and that might be why your having these thoughts. They were very clever people by the sound of it, did everything but the final act. Not your fault and you should stop feeling like you weren't good enough.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your recovery,

Take Care (((hugs)))

JM

<Edited into correct paragraphing by Amethist>

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It sounds like you were 'groomed'. I was to when I was a young teenager. I was lonely and neglected by my parents. It started out okay, an older man showing me attention and talking to me, he must have cared for me right? So a month later when it started getting more sexual and he would talk 'dirty' to me did I mind? No, small price to pay after he cares so much about me. A month after that when he tells me to touch myself. Or when he begs me to take off my clothes for him...etc. etc.

As you are an adult now, you can see the damage its done. Is it abuse? YES! Its sexual abuse, its wrong wrong! In all forms!

There is some difference in being raped ( which I was too) and being groomed as some sort of child sex fetish. The grooming seems to make it right in your head, or at least acceptable, for the time being. Its when you get older, realizes its not normal...It took a police officer, after listening to me for hours to finally explain all this. Even then I was an adult and still brain washed by all this. That I asked for it, that I wanted it. No, its was just the people who groomed me and used me. They never had sex with me either, BTW.

Getting better takes time.

Hope this helps you somehow.