A Letter To My (your) Mother

[Tribulations]

I am going to try this, I need to get this out.

Dear Mom,

I don't know what I did or even understand why you did the things you did or said the things you said. I will never understand why I was never good enough, why you didn't love me, and at one point left me for dead. I will forever have this empty void in my heart and these shattered memories you helped create. I was a child, I needed love, I needed my mother. You were too busy with work, men, or drugs/alcohol.

I understand we all have our demons in life, but even with my demons I could never do what you did to a child. I was a baby, I was left handed, and you beat me into being right handed before the age of one. You burned me, drug me by my hair, hit me with anything you could get your hands on. You called me a mistake, worthless and said continously I was supposed to be an abortion. However the worst part is you made me feel like I wished I was, at such a young age

When dad abused me or locked me up you weren't there, you gave me away to him. Threw me away like a piece of trash. I don't even wish this pain on my worst of enemies.

All I ever wanted was your love. The year you took my dry erase board I had drawn a christmas tree on and threw it away you broke my heart. I knew we didn't have much and just wanted you to have a christmas. The year you left on Christmas day was also heart breaking. The time you left me on machines to die, showed me how much you cared. Even my stepfather cared more, he stayed. You went back to your job, when you didn't even need to be there.

There are countless acts of mental, physical and spiritual trauma you've done. I will never forget it.

I do forgive you though, because at least you're being the mom now to my younger siblings that you couldn't be for me. I just wish you realized it sooner.

We are still strained because I don't fit in your picture perfect world but I still love you. Even after you hiding me and current people in your life not knowing I exist, I still love you.

All I ever wanted was to give you love and get it in return. That is all I ever wanted.

I could say so much more but I will stop.
Your daughter.

Oh goodness I'm crying now, haven't cried like this in a long time. This is a good thing though, I had to stop though. Didn't want to be a puffy eyed mess.

 

[Bklynebeth]

Dear Mom,


There were many times growing up that I wondered what happened to my real mother - the one who I was meant to learn from, who loved me and I created elaborate stories in my head about what she was like. As a child, I questioned who the woman was in her place, taking care of us, putting food on the table, going through the automatic motions of each day, working hard to maintain a fragile stasis. As a kid you see everyone’s moms: the warm hugging ones who smile and whose homes seem to expand the more kids fill them to play, and others who get all crazy and chase your friends, hitting them with hair brushes as you beat a path to the door and run home, uncertain what it was that set them off and hoping it wasn’t you.

I’m not sure what kind of home ours was. It was clean, there was food, we were challenged intellectually and encouraged to succeed - you could say it was an adequate place to live while we were growing up. I’m not ungrateful. Friends came to play, yet there was a certain edge of emotional uncertainty to the atmosphere, a chill if you will. It revolved around your moods.

I remember a moment when we were sitting at the table in and you told me about the horrors of your childhood. You suddenly became the suffering six year old inside of you. I put my arms around you and felt you recoil, drawing all the hurt back inside and so deeply bound up in the act of your own suffering you couldn’t receive love. You probably thought you were doing me a favor, hiding the past for so long, but doing so had a price that came with it: your presence in our lives.

When they were babies, you talked about how my kids might come visit on their own when they were older and my instinctive reaction - the voice of the mother in me - said, “NO!” I scolded myself for being silly yet there was something to the message. I didn’t feel emotionally safe as a child in our home so how could I expect my own children would be? I continued with a certain degree of caution, watching how you would be with them each visit, hoping to see grandmotherly love blossom, affection without strings, but instead witnessed the same arms distance I experienced as a child as if they were small projects you didn’t want to get too close to but felt responsible for managing so they didn’t fail.

Growing up with you was not the easiest of childhoods. I know there are much worse in the world, but I’ve come to realize the hesitation each time you said, “I love you,” was because saying the words must have reminded you of how you were not loved, or how you were hurt, or of the myriad hurts all piled up inside into one big hurt. You went someplace each time you said it, contracting emotionally as if it was a reminder you were missing the part of you that allowed you to love. A child senses subtle emotional shifts but is uncertain how to classify them. Your absence, emotionally, felt a lot like being unloved.

Last summer when we visited, I witnessed a replay of my own childhood through my daughter's eyes when she asked if you could show her how the purple potatoes were growing in the garden and you unleashed yourself on her. She was four and asking her grandmother to spend some time with her and you came unhinged like a detonated bomb. That is what my mother’s intuition was telling me - that something like the irrational fits of my own childhood might revisit itself upon them if they were with you.

My intention in writing this is to let you know I am drawing a line between you and me. An emotional boundary I hope you will cross in time with some reflection. If not, then I wish you well.

With love,

Your daughter

 

[Heaven666]

Dear Mom

I am happy to know you have cancer. You deserved it, even if 30 years too late. You deserve everything is happening to you, and even more. I know that you have blocked out all of your memories and that you live in a fantasy world where you are innocent of anything and everybody loves you, so I won't tell you about all the horrible things you've said and done. My only regret is not having killed you. I will go back to the motherland after you die, just to defecate on your grave. I would like to visit you just to rip out your eyes and tongue, slowly, but I am not going to jail for a useless crackwhore like you. I hope you die slowly and painfully.

Your beloved son

 

[Jlso111187]

Mom,

You have always been there for me and my sisters when we really needed you the most. You fought hard to keep me in your home when my dad was ready to give up on me. I don't know what I would have done without you in my life.

I know that I should have told you sooner about your brother. But I was scared and I didn't know if you would believe me or what. I know now that you would have as when I did tell you why I was acting out as a child you wrapped me in your arms and said "Sweety, why didn't you tell me sooner I would of stopped the bastard."

I do regret the things I put you through as I was a horrible daughter. I stole a whole lot of money from you, I was constantly in to drugs and as the years go on they got harder. I know I put you through hell when I was fighting for my life because of drugs. I want you to know I am sorry. I love you mom and dont want you to worry about me anymore.

I have been clean for 9 years now and have to little boys who need me to stay that way. I have got so much to thank you for and dont know how to do it. I wish I could express the gratitude I have for you. Because then you would know that your the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I just hope that I am half the mom you are.

 

[Ashley Morales]

I just found this, and would like to share the beginning of my letter. Here it goes...

Dear Mom,

I am writing to you because I have realized it would be too difficult for me to try and gather the words to explain this. I have so many memories of fun times with you, but of course those sit way in the back underneath all the pain and anger I feel. It’s hard for me to even begin to explain how heavy the pain has been for years. I am turning 27 soon, and to think I just started working on my brokenness this year. Something you know is that I attend therapy twice a week, but something you do not know if I am on antidepressants. I have wanted to end my life way too many times especially in the past three years. I have felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed and start my day right away without this heavy feeling of wanting to die. In the last six months I can say I have come along way with the help of my fiancé, friends, sister, and therapist, and especially myself for seeking the help. I am proud of myself for that, but do know that this has and will continue to keep me distant from you.


I want to let you know I no longer fear you, but I do continue to fear the memories. For as long as I can recall I have had multiple dreams reliving the times you let your anger out on me. In the dream I could feel how scared I was. I could fear how bad I wanted to disappear.


I don’t think you know how to love. I can say that if you did you wouldn’t have done all the things you’ve done. You wouldn’t make your children feel guilty for all the wrong choices you made in YOUR life. You wouldn’t constantly tell them you wished you could run away from them. You wouldn’t constantly tell them you would be so happy if you didn’t have them and the problems they bring. You wouldn’t have let your anger build up so high that when it came crashing down it broke them, over and over again.

You wouldn’t make them feel as if they owe you a better life. As if their job on this earth was to constantly please you, and it never be enough. That’s not love.

That’s not what a mother is supposed to be/do.

For years I’ve been confused about you and our relationship. I have plenty of moments hating you. I have plenty of moments being so jealous and envious of the way you got along with my sister. I have always been confused because you never showed me what love is. You told me the words, but your actions hurt, physically hurt. You were clearly unhappy and chose to show your children they were the reason for it. You faked positive emotion in front of others, and behind close doors you showed hatred.

 

[desiderata310]

Dear mom,
I'm sorry you didn't want me. I'm sorry you didn't have the guts to abort me. I'm sorry I was born.

I'm sorry dad used to hit you. You turned a blind eye to everything because... I don't know why. I'm sorry I was a burden that you felt you had to deal with.

I'm sorry I am such a failure. I'm sorry that I am not the 'pretty little girl' you wanted and that I has a 'Jewish nose' and 'Indian hair'.

I can't help you now. I can't take care of you so far away. You act like you don't want or need help but them you cry for me to send you money and solve your problems and I can't and it triggers me and makes me angry and suicidal because you never helped me.

I don't know how to be a mother because of you and I have failed miserably at being a mom myself and now that my children are all almost grown I have wasted my chance at giving them happiness.

I wish I had never been born.
I wish I could take it all back and never have existed.
I wish I could have been what you wanted me to be.
I wish I could have left or that you would have seen and cared.
I wish you would have loved me.
I wish you had wanted me.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Letter to my biological egg donor:

To whoever you used to be in my life for 6 months and gave me life, thank you. However, because my grandmother gave you $2k to get out of my and my brother's lives was buying your children. The money meant more to you than your children. Cancer took your uterus and you didn't have any other kids. Karma happened but too bad I wasn't there to watch.
You lied to your family, you lied to your coworkers about having children, you lied to everyone else including the South Carolina courts so that you could live a millionaire life. Just remember that graves in cemeteries are all the same size, God knows what you did, and that you answer to Him once your life is over.
You want nothing to do with your grandchild and have shunned everyone because of your narcissistic "talents". Remember that I could always call the courts system in South Carolina and have you arrested for perjury. Beside you not being in my life, I'm standing, doing well, and have done better than what you wanted. You also wanted my brother to die in Iraq during Operation Desert Storm. Would you mind telling him that? He really needs to know.

Life sucks, Egg Donor. Get a helmet.

(Notice that my whole family are full of narcissists? Is this like a venereal disease in my family and I didn't catch it?)

 

[LTS unloved co.]

You mean evil nasty bitch.
A mother of three and a wife of many is the only good opinion i have of you. I hope you read this. I was 6 years old when i was sexually assaulted for the first time. L my older sister was raped a year before me. My mother cared for her deeply and realized when it happened. She took her to doctors and soon L forgot about the ordeal. I know how much my mom struggled to keep the memory at bay and i knew how much she feared judgement so she didnt tell the family. At 6 years old i realized i had to be strong and that my mother couldt handle anything like that again. For years and years and yeas i was assulted and i didnt say anything. I hated it and i was an angry child. Like i learned from my mother i feard judgement and i didnt want to tell her because she was already so mad at me all the time i didnt want her to be mad at me agian. So i dealt with it. I started slapping myself in the face at 8 i also tried to jump off the roof. At that point you had already had 4 husbands who all left you "because of me"... im sure it had something to do with the fact that you told them you ran your own business but was in fact a stripper who brought new men home every night and had loud nasty sex with while your children were in the next room... besides that...i craved your love and affection and you shot it down with laughter. You gave L everything she ever wanted and told her she was beautiful she had a pink room with a canopy bed and goose down linnins. I had a half painted room with no windows and a bed on the floor with some sheets. Thanks. Aside from giving all your life and money to L and your boy toys you left us for days with family members and my petofile cousin to go on "business trips"... and aside from that you would die or give anything to receive love from your third daughter A. I was always jealous of A she didnt live with L and i. Her dad took her away when she was an infant and she only came over every other weekend. When L and i got older we had already had several step dads and even more possible step dads. You treated me worse each year with each breakup or divorce. You beat me with hair bruches and tree sticks for being late to school or if i caught you having sex in the living room. I remember you beat L and i so bad before school one day we went to a teacher for help and had her call cps on you. You got out of it with lies like you always do. I remeber you used to call me fat or stupid when i was young or tell me to be something easy when i grow up. While L was supported and told she could be a Dr.
You wicked evil bitch. You kill everything you touch and treat so badly to the ones who only wanted your love. HOW MANY TIMES WAS I THERE WHEN YOU WERE SICK. HOW MANY TIMES DID I HAVE TO COOK FOR YOU AND MY SIBLINGS WHEN YOU WERE TOO DRUNK OR HUNGOVER. HOW MANY TIMES DID I STAY UP TILL 4 IN THE MORNING AS A CHILD TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME SAFE AND THEN GET YELLED AT FOR BEING AWAKE. HOW MANY TIMES DID I HOLD YOU AFTER SOM GUY JUST f*ckED YOU THEN LEFT. I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING AS A CHILD NOT EVEN TOYS BECAUSE I SAW HOW MUCH YOU WERE STUGGLING. I HATE YOU. WHEN I TOLD YOU AT THE AGE OF 14 THAT I WASNT GETTING MY PERIOD YOU MADE ME TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A SLUT TURNS OUT YOU MEAN BITCH THE PAIN I WAS FEELING AND LACK OF PERIOD WAS BECAUSE I HAVE POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN DISEASES .WHEN I WAS 18 AND YOU WALKED IN ON ME WITH A GUN TO MY HEAD WHAT DID YOU SAY. YOU CALLED ME A f*ckED UP SUICIDAL KID YOU THREW ME IN AN INSANE ASYLUM WHERE THEY FILLED ME WITH PILLS AND ABUSED THE PATIENTS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. I WAS FINALLY RAPED AT THE AGE OF 12 WHEN I FINALLY DECIDED TO TELL YOU WHEN I WAS 20 YOU SHOT IT DOWN AND SAID THAT I WAS SAYING IT FOR ATTENTION. I COOK YOU DINNER I MAKE YOUR DRINKS I CLEAN YOUR HOUSE AND ALL YOU GIVE ME IS BULL SHIT LIES AND DISGUST. I DONT WANT YOUR TWISTED f*ckING FORM OF LOVE. I DONT NEED IT. AND THE MAN YOU ARE KILLING SLOWLY SUCKING EVERY INCH OF EVERYTHING HE HAS RIGHT NOW AWAY. YOU NEED TO JUST LET HIM GO. YOU NEED TO JUST DIE. YOU CANNOT CONTROLL L OR A OR ME ANYMORE. YOU CANNOT SHOVE YOUR HAND UP OUR ASSES AND MAKE US WHAT YOU WANT US ANY MORE. i will not alow you to degrade me. I will not allow you to hit me. I will not allow you to punish me for things that were your fault.
I was robbed of a childhood i had to grow up by the time i was 8 because you were an unfit horrible mother that used your vagina and lies to get you out of every and any situation. I will not allow you to make me feel ugly. I will not alow you make me feel stupid. I am in control of my life now. I relinquish any and all power you thought you had over me. I hate you i will always hate you. You were never there for me. You were never there for A. You were only there for L because it made you look good. And let me just say that you put on some of the worst acts of all time stupid bitch. Why do you think your whole family ignores your narcissistic materialistic ass. You have problems that you refused to get fixed. Even my therapist, when we had that group session and you literally just yelled and told me what a piece of shit daughter i was said you need help, i was released the next day. When i decided to drop out of high school and go to school online you made it sound like i graduated because of you. How f*cking stupid are you. No one needs you. When i was 16 i started getting money by babysitting i paid for my own food and clothing. A'S family felt so bad for L and i that they would invite us over for weekends and camping and food a partys but you told us we werent allowed to go and later told us they didnt like us and didnt love us. Why do you think you can continue to brain wash us. I know the truth. BEING IGNORED ALL THOES YEARS MADE ME REALISE HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT IT. L IS SO SCREWED UP SHE CANT TELL UP FROM DOWN AT THIS POINT SHE LIVES IN AN AVALANCE OF FIRE. you are a sould sucking demon. When you arent home you literally leave evil residual energy. And lets not forget about all the times you tried to leave me at the supermarket. Im not f*cking helpless i know your name address and phone number. I had too becaus you had to come get us from school every day because you couldnt get to our bus stop. We stayed so late at school all the receptionists hated you because the school was closed by the time you got there. When show and tell days came around i had no toys to show like other kids i just had bugs in jars that i found ouside and some drawings i made. Needless to say i was bullied my entire life at school and at home. And if i wasnt at home or at school i was getting raped at my aunts house.this list goes on and on and on. Every day of my life so far you cause chaos and hovic and misery and bloodshed and tears. How about when you see your kid is depressed maybe dont get in there face and yell at them and tell them to get over it and tell them what a f*cking piece of work they are. This is a build of of emotional rejection i have been storing for 20 years people. I Wish that everyday for the rest of my mothers life wich i hope is very very long. I hope she gets treated how she treated me. I hope her coffie smakes her in the face every morning and tells her she is worthles and unloveable just like me. And also stop hitting on my husband you f*cking whore and also your not an 80 year old woman stop complaining about how people wont give you their seat or why there are gay people. You were such a bad parent i reaid my older sibling and my younger sibling i tought A how to brush her hair and shave her legs and cook and swim and how to ride a bike and do math and everything a mother is supposed to treat her daughter. I tought L how to do her make up and how to deal with bullies and cook and how to do laundry. My hudsband wants kids but i have been a parent since i was 7 and im pretty much done. Oh and one more thing Mother... get over yourself and realize who you are. A superficial, fake, materialistic, lying, narcissistic, careless bitch whore.

 

[Just a friend]

You mean evil nasty bitch.
A mother of three and a wife of many is the only good opinion i have of you. I hope...

I am so sorry for your pain. You did not deserve that.