A life lived... by 40

[Chem Lady]

Ever watch a movie and an old person is dying and they say something like “I’m just so tired”? I think they’re saying that life itself is tiring and after many years they just don’t have it in them to keep going anymore. And then they die.
Often that’s how I feel. I bet others here feel that way too sometimes. I’m just so tired. I was abused by my mom, left her for a narcissist husband, who got cancer after a year of marriage. I nursed him through chemo without any help for 6 months because my family didn’t feel like acknowledging that my husband had cancer. During that time I was still in university trying to keep my student status. That’s when I got PTSD, but I had to fight for 2.5 years to get diagnosed because no one really wanted to listen to what I had to say. I finished school and worked jobs to (barely) pay the bills all while fighting my husband to try to get him to be a decent human being. I finally got a job in my career when my heart went bad. I waited 9 months to get open-heart surgery because the woman who scheduled the surgeries didn’t think I was that bad. I was in really bad shape and, 5 years later, I’m still trying to recover from that surgery. I’m only in my 40s, but I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime’s worth already. I feel like old, dying people in movies. I’m just so tired. All the time. I just don’t feel like I have enough energy to keep living anymore.

 

[Deanna]

I've heard the expression from several people but even though your story is rough, someone else's might be worse depending on what happened. I lost my best friend/ lover and I slept for 7 years. No one ever mentioned psychiatry. So, that was basically seven years just gone. I have a friend right now that is fighting terminal brain/bone cancer that is only 4 years older than me. He looks like he's a hundred. I'm sorry you had to go what you had to go through but you did get a new heart and life is hard, no matter how it's evolved. Be grateful you are here, today.

 

[willhealeventually]

Ever watch a movie and an old person is dying and they say something like “I’m just so tired”? I think they’re saying that life itself is tiring and after many years they just don’t have it in them to keep going anymore. And then they die.
Often that’s how I feel. I bet others here feel that way too sometimes. I’m just so tired. I was abused by my mom, left her for a narcissist husband, who got cancer after a year of marriage. I nursed him through chemo without any help for 6 months because my family didn’t feel like acknowledging that my husband had cancer. During that time I was still in university trying to keep my student status. That’s when I got PTSD, but I had to fight for 2.5 years to get diagnosed because no one really wanted to listen to what I had to say. I finished school and worked jobs to (barely) pay the bills all while fighting my husband to try to get him to be a decent human being. I finally got a job in my career when my heart went bad. I waited 9 months to get open-heart surgery because the woman who scheduled the surgeries didn’t think I was that bad. I was in really bad shape and, 5 years later, I’m still trying to recover from that surgery. I’m only in my 40s, but I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime’s worth already. I feel like old, dying people in movies. I’m just so tired. All the time. I just don’t feel like I have enough energy to keep living anymore.

I understand the feeling of not having enough energy to live. Pain and stress is very tiring. It sounds like you had a lot of stressors one after another that didn’t let up. It makes sense that you would feel drained by all of that. I can only imagine the emotions that come up around taking care of someone with cancer - that in itself is huge. Plus you were going to school. Then, your own health crashed and you are still recovering. It is a lot.
Something I am facing is simplifying my life to the degree needed for me to be able to live. The amazing amount of pain plus the ptsd condition is just not going to work with my usually stressful current routine. That’s the advice I’ve been getting from this group and it makes sense - to redefine my life so that I can actually live it.
A part of me resists the fact that I can longer do what I set out to do in my job - and I keep failing at it, to prove my point. I used to hold it together and then everything just unraveled, as if I reached some critical point.
I wish you well in finding ways to take care of yourself. Are you in treatment for your ptsd since the diagnosis? If so, what are they recommending?

 

[Chem Lady]

I understand the feeling of not having enough energy to live. Pain and stress is very tiring. It sounds like you had a lot of stressors one after another that didn’t let up. It makes sense that you would feel drained by all of that. I can only imagine the emotions that come up around taking care of someone with cancer - that in itself is huge. Plus you were going to school. Then, your own health crashed and you are still recovering. It is a lot.
Something I am facing is simplifying my life to the degree needed for me to be able to live. The amazing amount of pain plus the ptsd condition is just not going to work with my usually stressful current routine. That’s the advice I’ve been getting from this group and it makes sense - to redefine my life so that I can actually live it.
A part of me resists the fact that I can longer do what I set out to do in my job - and I keep failing at it, to prove my point. I used to hold it together and then everything just unraveled, as if I reached some critical point.
I wish you well in finding ways to take care of yourself. Are you in treatment for your ptsd since the diagnosis? If so, what are they recommending?

Willhealeventually,
What a kind, empathetic, and genuine response. I wasn’t actually even planning for anyone to respond. I just needed to say my thoughts to people, and hopefully to people who might understand.
I completely understand how hard it is to accept the limitations of PTSD. I work part-time and I am very limited in how much I can contribute to my department which I find difficult to accept.
Good luck to us both as we try to gracefully accept life as it is!
PTSD is difficult. Daily.