Relationship A Little Jealousy And Its Over

[shimmerz]

I wouldn't say he's putting it all on me.

Ah! So he is putting it on both of you! Excellent. It sounds like he isn't one for taking responsibility much. I don't know because i am not there, but that is how it looks from here (to me). I would be careful of that before you push for a committed relationship.

 

[moonbeam]

It sounds like he isn't one for taking responsibility much. I don't know because i am not there, but that is how it looks from here (to me). I would be careful of that before you push for a committed relationship.

Agreed.

 

[StarChild]

Apparently the day she told him why she stopped texting him was the day he was suddenly mad at me for no reason.

First off, the fact that he got that mad at you, makes this whole thing very fishy! I would be very, very careful to commit into such kind of "relationship"!

When speaking to my friend (also his friend) about what was going on she told me that they had been texting a bit, just friendly chit chat or her venting about her relationship problems but that she stopped texting him because she didn't feel it was right due to mine and his relationship

I say, this girl showed a healthy level of decency. And if I assume right, you never saw those text messages between them... So who knows, maybe she sensed more in his text messages than she admits. There could be many reasons as to why she kept a healthy distance to him.

But there's something else, that came to my mind when reading your first post...

asking if he was mad at me because I ruined his chances with her

Hmm... Actually not you but the fact, that you were his girlfriend, "ruined" his chances to play the understanding listener and problem-solver to other women. It limited his chances, to garner false praise and admiration of them. - What I mean with this? Well, there's a certain type of men, who, although in a relationship, literally are addicted to the self boosting effect of other women's attention / praise / admiration. And to achieve this, they love to appear very understanding, patient and helpful.

For example: He "listens" over and over to her rants about HER problems in HER relationship. He maybe even gives advice, as how to solve them. But when it comes to his own relationship, he's simply unable and therefore acts very poorly and egocentric,. In other words, he then will act exactly as insensitive, uncaring e.t.c. as the other guy from that other girl. Such men mostly misuse women (be it girlfriend or female friends) to boost their poor self consciousness. But unfortunately, that's a bottomless pit, and he will need this good feeling again and again...

I had such an ex; Although he didn't sleep wit other women, he regularly went overboard for several (married) women, if they'd call him in the middle of the night, to listen to their problems, or give "this poor neglected woman" a ride home (at 2 a.m.). And so on. And even though they knew he was in a relationship with me, they often would send him cards, literally showering him with praise for his very understanding, caring personality. And he would put those cards into his briefcase to carry them with him. To read them and bask in his glory over and over...

I just ask you to be mindful, for your own sake. Not every bad, egoistic, insensitive behaviour is PTSD - Or the other way round: PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour. Good luck to you!

 

[Friday]

Drama. :confused: As a sufferer, I'd run for the hills, personally. Some things that seem very "simple" to my neurotypical friends -especially girlfriends- (who's 'allowed' to talk to whom, when, about what, in what form, in whose company, for what duration, on a full moon, when the eagle quacks at the third traffic cone beyond the leopard, left of the river :stop:. Just. Stop.) ...pure and simple do not compute. When I'm doing well I can move between several cultures very fluidly. When I'm doing badly? FFS. Everyone just go away, and take your complicated drama BS with you. It's one reason why I avoid relationships like the plague when I'm doing badly... Whether that means straight up celibacy for a few years or a different guy every night (same result)... Because all the complicated rules beyond 'this moment, right here' just make me want to shove an ice pick through my orbital socket and into my brain.

Similarly... There is exactly one flavor of jealousy I can stand. The other 2,000 forms of it just create more drama, stress, and Nope! I'm outta here! There are people who are turned on by jealousy, or it doesn't bother them, or they can stand limited types of it (me)... But there are also people who can stand exactly no form of it whatsoever. It's a hard limit for them. This isn't really anyone's fault, on either side of the line. Part of what dating is, finding out where pieces fit, and where they conflict.

I have made the mistake of getting into a few relationships while doing badly. They have all been regrettable. Either I f*ck it up and leave, or I resist the ice-pick urge and stay... When there is no way on earth I should. Because we aren't a good fit. Neither of which is fair to anyone.

So whether it's his PTSD that is making drama-games absolutely unsupportable... Or even asymptomatic he needs to not be with someone who has jealousy issues? I'm just not seeing a "win", here.

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

@FridayJones thanks for your input!

You sound a lot like him actually, regarding drama. He hates it. But to me, it seems he creates some of his own.

If we could have had a discussion over why he was mad at me in the first place, there would have been no jealousy/drama. At least not regarding me.

Communication is huge to me. You can give me the silent treatment, and not want to hear me out, but i should at least know why. So that in the mean time I can do what I need to make it right on my end.

I'm not saying he's conpletely to blame. I reacted in a way I shouldn't have, but my reaction would not have been that had their have been communication as to what was happening. Either from him, or from her.

Ya see, it's not that I'm a jealous person. It's that I have issues from a bad past of my own, and when things remind me of a past experience, it triggers me into having that same reaction. something was being hidden from me regarding another female... Every other time that's happened I was cheated on... Boom! Bad reaction.

To me, I feel this is fixable. That if he would take the time to listen to my explanation, he would have a better understanding of what happened on my side of things.

But what do ya do when someone doesn't want to hear you out?

 

[Friday]

Communication is huge to me. You can give me the silent treatment, and not want to hear me out, but i should at least know why. So that in the mean time I can do what I need to make it right on my end.

Makes total sense in a rational world. And when I'm not symptomatic? No problem. When I am symptomatic?

Ever had the flu and still had to go to work? When you just can't think straight? Can't think. Do stupid stuff. Read the same line on a page over and over. Just sit and stare at the page because you can't even see the line... It's just all,a big swirl of meaningless words. End up staring at something (nothing) because your brain just isn't working? Then get sicker and can barely even go to the bathroom, much less drive a car and go to work?

That's the closest example I can give to "I don't know" or "he probably doesn't know himself, give him a few days" that you hear in PTSD circles quite a lot. When we're symptomatic, our brains shift into survival mode. Which is great for survival. Very, very useful, in fact. But it means that many things we are literally unable to think of. The "I can't think about this right now" may sound like "I don't want to think about this right now"... But it isn't. It's our minds literally stopping. Unable to pass go, or collect $200. It's honestly very different from being sick-sick (flu, etc.), because we can still think about other stuff just fine. Usually. Sometimes is becomes global, and just like with the flu? Tend to go back to bed.

Given a few hours, days, weeks, etc... We can usually process the impossible information. If there isn't any added stress. Added stress turns a 1 topic no-fly zone, into pure fight or flight all topics not directly related to survival are no-fly zones. We shut down. Or lash out.

In a rational world... Both parties are able to think about the XYZ that just happened. And do. Usually a lot. And, ideally, each minding their own side of the street and coming together to resolution. Unless one of them has the flu, or just got into a car accident, or found out their mom is dying...in which case the matter gets tabled until they're not in crisis anymore. When they can actually turn their thoughts to the problem.

A PTSD person? Isn't thinking about the problem they can't think about. They may be trying to be, they may be doing the things that will let them be able to think about it... But it really is like trying to have a rational conversation while heaving your guts out or sitting upside down in your car whilst it's on fire. Brain has other things it's trying to get done. And each added stress? Just kicks things up higher. Puking from the flu while upside down in a car that's on fire. Then puking from the flu while upside down in the car on fire with your beloved mom dead beside you. Then... You see the point? Each "push" only makes the situation even more intractable. It's not that we don't want to be able to handle the stress... It's that under times of stress we to immediately into life or death.

We're still rational in every other way. It's not like while hanging upside down in the car we decide to make jell-o or to learn Swahili. No. We need to extricate ourselves from the vehicle as quickly as possible. That requires rational thought. Survival mode doesn't turn us into idiots. But it does make some things literally (not figuratively) impossible to deal with given the same time frame as people who aren't. And it takes awhile to back down from survival mode. Hence the hours, days, weeks, etc... Before we're even able to think about it. Much less discuss or come to some kind of resolution about it.

*** I'm usually better at using "I" statements, instead of generalizing. As well as tends to, and other caveats, because individuals always vary. Please note I'm not speaking for all PTSD people, here. All of the above are just my experiences, observations, and opinions. I'm just too dang tired to be able to edit, right now. And if I don't post it now, I'll forget. ***

 

[Wastinglight]

And I had an extremely bad relationship before this, that included a lot of cheating. He knows this, and mnkws that I do have issues with trust. Instead of waiting to get all of the information, I sent a text asking if he was mad at me because I ruined his chances with her. Big mistake, and I knew it as soon as I sent the text. A few hours later I received a reply that said "Ya know what, I'm done with this! See Ya!"

Hmm, tricky one. I can go some way to being able to see both sides of this problem.

It's totally not reasonable of him to be mad at YOU for what has happened. Having said that, I know I've been inexplicably mad at people for stuff that isn't their fault before. And I probably would have gotten a bit tetchy and said something like "I need time to work it out" if I was pressed about it before I'd had a chance to level out my emotions (in fact, I've done EXACTLY that). Cos I know that my reaction is not fair or reasonable, but the feelings are still very real and hard to overcome. And if I was in the early stages of a relationship, I might even have given the silent treatment. Well, maybe. But that doesn't make it right. Please note though, that although I have an anxiety disorder, I don't have PTSD.

You've done the right thing about owning your difficulties regarding trust. And hey, we all live in the Real World here. It's simply not realistic to expect people not to make mistakes or overreact sometimes. Sure, that text you sent him was a bit inflammatory. I've been tempted to say things like that at times, but I've managed to catch myself..... so far. Probably wouldn't hurt to apologise for that comment, if you haven't already. But if he's prepared to break up with you over one comment.... Maybe he overreacted too, and needs some time to work through it. Or maybe he's just not ready for a relationship with you right now. But that's HIS stuff, not yours. All YOU can do is own your own crap and do your best to strive to be a better person every day. That doesn't involve taking responsibility for his crap too.

I don't want to be pushy, but is there anything I can do or say to help make this better? I know it's going to take time and I need to not be pushy... Just looking for a little guidance. Is it common for people with PTSD in relationships to end things with such knee jerk reactions and then regret their decision?

No, you probably can't 'make it better'. From my own experiences, and what I've read here about other's people's experiences, pushing someone with PTSD is highly likely to make things worse. I know it's hard to just leave him alone, but given how new this relationship is, I'd say you're better off just getting on with your own life for now (not saying that it's easy to do so though!) and see if he comes back and wants to talk/try again/whatever.

This case was different, again because of lack of communication

Remember that this is the sort of the thing that will (and does) happen in ANY relationship. How you both move forward and deal with it is the important thing.

Best of luck. A relationship with a PTSD 'sufferer' is way way harder than most, but if you're going to do this, you must both be willing to work on it. You shouldn't be the only one fighting for this relationship.

Best of luck, lots of hugs if you need them :)

 

[Wastinglight]

Ya see, it's not that I'm a jealous person. It's that I have issues from a bad past of my own, and when things remind me of a past experience, it triggers me into having that same reaction. something was being hidden from me regarding another female... Every other time that's happened I was cheated on... Boom! Bad reaction.

To me, I feel this is fixable. That if he would take the time to listen to my explanation, he would have a better understanding of what happened on my side of things.

But what do ya do when someone doesn't want to hear you out?

I'm now just reading the rest of the posts here, and wanted to add something more, if you'll indulge me.

I'm in the same boat as you - trust issues from horrible past experience, which I've recently learnt in therapy, goes all the way back to my childhood (well, hurrah! NOT).

I've been in a similar situation with my guy, not that long ago. I overreacted, we talked about it, and in the end, I simply said: "Look, I know my trust issues are causing problems with us at the moment, but I am sincerely sorry that I did XYZ, and I will continue to work hard on my issues. And I need you to be a bit understanding while I do this. If you can't do that, if you don't want to be in this relationship any longer, then fair enough, we'll call it quits. But I am trying as hard as I can, every day." Or something like that. I barely slept that night, worried that he was going to break up with me. We talked the next morning, and he said he wanted to keep working on it, together.

If your guy comes back, then I would suggest having a similar conversation. If you get back together, don't ignore this kind of stuff. Lay it out for him, and let him decide whether he still wants to give it a go, with eyes wide open.

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

Things have been crazy lately, haven't had a chance to check in here.

We had one good day last week. We aren't talking much, but I saw him and he acted normally around me. Every other time, not so much.

I asked him to do me a favour (that actually had nothing to do with me personally, but it was important to me and who it involved... Complicated), and while he was nice about it to my face, he went to a mutual friend and vented about not being sure if he wanted to do it etc etc, and hasn't said a single word to me about it since. I asked him if he we could talk, and at that moment we couldn't but he said we'll talk later ok? That was almost a week ago.

I said in an email that I wouldn't give up on him unless he actually said he wants me to. He hasn't said so... But actions are speaking louder than words.