A mess - doing things to make me worse

[Strangelongtrip]

I just really need a place to vent. I started having the anxiety-hypervigiliance feels stirred up from the stress school. Then, sneakily, I would start doing things to make me worse such as watching a show that I knew had multiple sexual assault scenes. Know I got worse after that. Anxiety builds, and all of a sudden my body starts hurting all over after talking in depth about my abusive ex who raped me repeatedly and some other sexual assaults I've experienced. "All of a sudden" is sort of a joke ?. And now that I'm thinking about it, I think today was an anniversary date of something, but I don't remember what. There were a lot of really bad days here through October. I don't remember the exact dates anymore. I just know my body is really unhappy and really doesn't want these memories and it hurts so bad I can't concentrate.

I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces to be honest, or shatter my life around me so it suits the inside. Today I went to a small venue concert with a family member and I felt sort of like I was going to die the whole time--death anxiety is what I used to call it, I think I've seen it on this site some too. I'm trying very hard and I have a plan in action to get better, but I wish I could just throw everything out and just focus on me for one whole damn day. I did that last week and it helped but I can't this week. I need it so badly and I keep making excuses as to why I can't do it but I think I need to lay down some boundaries with people in my life. It's so hard when I feel like this. I'm bordering on suicidal but not quite there, just self-harm thoughts but I've ridden the waves.

I can't think of anything else but I think I just need the pain recognized, seen, and heard. I have been putting up a front with everyone in my life and saying it's about school or whatever, or that I'm okay when I'm really having a panic attack listening to live music.

Thank you!

 

[unbrokenn]

I think that you watching things with scenes that’ll trigger you isn’t a good idea especially if you haven’t fully processed stuff that’s happened to you.
I think that you should really talk to someone you trust about your thoughts of self harm or suicide if you are comfortable. Perhaps a therapist. I lost a friend to suicide earlier this year, and I know how addictive self harm is. You don’t want to go down a hole you can’t get out of, and believe me, that is a hole that you shouldn’t even have to go into because of some douche that did such bad things to you.
Just confide in someone you trust and please develop some coping skills that work for you, not everything works for everyone so I understand that. I keep a journal to track progress, so on bad days I can flip through and see how far I’ve gotten from where I began.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I keep a journal to track progress, so on bad days I can flip through and see how far I’ve gotten from where I began

Thank you for your support @unbrokenn , this is also a great idea! My T says things like "look how far you've come" but it's hard to see when I don't track it!!

 

[unbrokenn]

Thank you for your support @unbrokenn , this is also a great idea! My T says things like "look how far you've come" but it's hard to see when I don't track it!!

I had the same problem till I started tracking! You totally should begin doing that because you definitely have grown.

 

[flowerapple]

I just really need a place to vent. I started having the anxiety-hypervigiliance feels stirred up from the stress school. Then, sneakily, I would start doing things to make me worse such as watching a show that I knew had multiple sexual assault scenes. Know I got worse after that.

I also do this. For a long time I would do it and I would feel so embarrassed and guilty because I not only knew that I shouldn’t do it, but because it didn’t make sense to me why I was doing it. I was doing it to make myself worse, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. And worse, I didn’t know why I was making myself worse by watching that. Because most people do not like to watch it, so it would why then would someone who experienced it want to watch it (I don’t mean like watching a show that happens to have that somewhere in the show, but actively looking for and then watching a show for the sole purpose of seeing it). When I finally told my psychiatrist, she explained it to me. She said it was for me a form of self-harm. People self harm for various reasons, and they use various methods to achieve it. Just knowing that there was a reason behind why I was doing it, made me feel less guilty.

Now I’m trying to control that urge whenever it comes. I have various things I use because they don’t work all the time, sometimes one works today, but not tomorrow, but it works the day after that, so it’s good to have more than one going in. I try journaling, distractions like music (I would say tv shows to but only if you can control yourself to watch a show that doesn’t contain sexual assault scenes), sometimes a walk is good, you can try treating yourself to a snack that you enjoy, you can call or hang out with a friend (and you don’t have to talk about how you are feeling with them if you don’t want to, but sometimes just being around people other than yourself, even if your doing nothing together, is helpful). One thing I find very helpful is calling the suicide hotline or the sexual assault line too. Depending on where you are, your suicide hotline might also function as a hotline for when you are in an emotional crisis. Sometimes talking to someone about it makes me feel lighter, like I got rid of some of the weight holding me down. But you don’t have to even talk to them about that if you don’t want to. I just find it helpful because I can say it to them, and not have to actually know them, and they don’t know me too, and it’s confidential. You can just tell them how you are feeling and they can offer you suggestions as well, plus talking to the, would be like a distraction in a way.

Hope this helps. I feel like I started to ramble on after a while.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @flowerapple!

When I finally told my psychiatrist, she explained it to me. She said it was for me a form of self-harm. People self harm for various reasons, and they use various methods to achieve it. Just knowing that there was a reason behind why I was doing it, made me feel less guilty.

This makes so much sense!! I have struggled with self harm in the past too. I'm about 6 months clean from cutting, and before that I was a year clean. I always thought part of me was trying to trigger my emotions to come out and explode so I can release them, like how I used to look at my ex who raped me's instagram, his friend's, the girl he cheated on me with etc so I could cry. But when I think about it, self harm for me at least is to get rid of those explosive emotions.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think it may be trying to process the trauma you did have. I did the same thing. As I got better, I stopped doing it, I wouldn't say you shouldn't do it. It has consequences, but you can choose to do it knowing the consequences without the added guilt of "shouldn't". It is a symptom, and you can slowly end the behavior. I don't work anymore, and it's still hard to get a day to work on myself, so I take an hour or two daily. Maybe that would help? I don't remember how I stopped the behavior, it just slowly went away. I still feel the need to read something I know will upset me, but I can usually stop. I hope the good suggestions others have offered help?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

That all makes sense and is helpful @DharmaGirl thank you! I almost have a break from school coming up too so I can take those days to really process!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I'm honestly back in this cycle again but I'm catching it before I do something to hurt myself. I've been mentioning stuff too much that bothers me as well, thinking I may need some time alone this weekend. I've been having SO many nightmares. It's really hard because I need to work extra hard this week for finals, but I'm hitting a breaking point, and there's even more external influences like the weather change (anniversary dates) and such.

 

[DharmaGirl]

And finals! I used to stress through the roof with finals! They also have medication - Prazosin, that helps with nightmares. Maybe try it during the break? Or not, if you don't like meds. I found it so helpful until I became allergic to it.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@DharmaGirl finals kill me every term!! I haven’t been sleeping like maybe 6 hours a night but I keep waking up. Even when I try to take naps my heart starts racing because there’s gotta be something to do. On top of it I’m actually coming off of my last psych med, Geodon, so I’m at a lower dose (too much at once!!! Lol). I’m on medicinal cannabis and it helps a lot but it has its limits too. Even though I know what helps me and how to navigate it, I often feel wary of being dependent, even though I’ve never experienced withdrawal or any sort of need for it. I have family who can’t do without it (and a mix of other things) and it makes me nervous. Something else to work on haha. Weird thing is I didn’t have the same “shame” surrounding klonopin, even though my prescription use of it was dangerous and I had withdrawals that made me 100x worse!!