a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

Things are so hard these days. But knowing I will soon start counselling is kind of a lifeline.

Looking for work and not finding any. And not looking for work as much as I should because I am always asleep.

I have been back from war for 2 years already. But only started feeling like I actually arrived back over a year later- once I started emdr.

 

[sidptitala]

I think this deep depression feeling is like being possessed by a sad child. For some reason flowers really cheer me up. I picked cuttings from flowers on the way home from support group today and I'll try to keep them alive, even only for a little while. This sad child all of that abuse happened to feels so present in me.

I spoke a bit in the support group about how I'm sleeping too much, and how I'm avoiding people. I think I'm avoiding people because I have no energy for their problems. I don't really have sources of guidance in my life and I never have. I don't know anyone who has struggled with what I have and come out the other side. But I have a lot of friends who I can give guidance too (and I like that, and want to be that way). But I seem to need a break to somehow find that myself.

The support group were really great at talking to me about how to get out of depression. So much better than when I've talked about PTSD, which I suppose makes sense since that is what the group is for. I haven't been able to find a support group for just PTSD. A routine seemed to be the consensus from the group and I can see I need that.

Recently getting a diagnosis for my physical health problems is sinking in, and I think relate to having PTSD. It seems like it might even be the same problem. So I am doing research about how to fix it. I have been lifting weights which I think is really helping in so many ways, but I don't always get around to it. I think walking also, doing slow forms of exercise seems to be helping a little bit. I need to turn my body into somewhere I can live again. I have my period and I'm handling it ok (no flashbacks so far).

I hope the man who offered to drop me home after support group isn't offended I said I should probably walk, since we had just been talking about how I needed to do that more. I'm always so aware of myself around him, when he has dropped me before I feel scared about showing him the exact house I live in. It might be over cautious in this place, but has been wise in many other places I've lived. I hope he understands that.

When I was walking today it kind of hit me that I am avoiding people because they don't listen to me and I can't tell them how I am really doing, even though they can tell me these things about them. So maybe avoiding makes kind of sense and I can acknowledge that I have limited capacity to give what I don't receive right now. It doesn't make finding it any easier. But maybe it does if it stops me from wasting my time drowning in other people's problems- so that I can earn them developing the capacity to listen to me in the future. I guess I'm realising that people don't develop that capacity if they don't have it. And maybe I need to be less willing to enter into unbalanced relationships.

(It feels so gross and egotistical to write that. surely everyone thinks they are a people pleaser?)

 

[sidptitala]

I wonder if I will ever tell my mom about the sexual abuse. I wonder if I even believe that it happened. But it does seem real. Sometimes it seems real and sometimes it doesn't.

When I think about it at all my stomach clenches. Does that mean something? The year I was 4 seems so intense. It's the last age I remember being fully alive. It's the year he touched me in the swimming pool changing room. And upstairs at my neighbor's birthday party.

I don't remember a lot of things, still. All the times he was on top of me blend into one and I don't always know how old I am at any given moment.

Even this year I have thought he wouldn't do that. That makes me laugh now because of course he would. A man you can't trust as an adult, a man who physically hurt you until you showed him he no longer could in your 20s- of course that man would abuse you as a child. Especially when you already know he did.

The hardest thing about my mom is she trusts that man even though he can never be trusted. And doesn't trust me, even though I can.

 

[sidptitala]

How much can I trust her? This question is eating me alive. I don't know what it makes sense to say or not say. I've more hope than in a very long time (but it's still not very much).

 

[sidptitala]

I had my first meeting with the new counsellor.

I felt very scattered. I didn't really know how to explain myself. I know I have an unusual backstory and I organise my life around brushing past the unusual parts until I really trust people. I'm aware I had a lot of advantages too and I'm wary of making him feel jealous or like I have no reason for being in the position I am.

He said he got the feeling of restriction from me, like there is so much I am holding back. That's true- there is so much I am holding back. I think I'm going to need to journal a lot between now and next time to get a clearer head?

I said I've been so angry for a few months. And scared of expressing anger because I worry I can't afford it. I said what bothered me about almost being diagnosed with bpd was that I knew I could never act that way and had organised my whole life around being reasonable, measured, mature. I didn't say that what triggered my anger was the previous cbt/emdr guy insisting I needed to understand my abuse history as a rare accident, and that it was unhealthy to draw conclusions about men in general based on my experience of them. That seemed like a lot to get into, and it's not the most dignified subject. It rises passion in me, I suppose. And I've tried hard to keep a tight leash on passion. Especially passion in defence of myself. That feels indefensible.

My backstory is so damn long and all of it is complicated. Maybe it's worth bringing him my medical records where I got diagnosed so he can read what the events were himself. It will probably take me a very long time to explain otherwise. It's making me realise how the way I talk is so vague and euphemistic.

 

[sidptitala]

I think maybe I am in the best position I will ever be in to engage in counselling with my mom? It's a huge step forward that she even suggested it. It surprised me a lot. But her goal is that I reconcile with my dad. And my goal is that she accept that I can't and stop pressuring me to do that.

Reasons why it might be good:

• I'm sick of having the same dynamics play themselves out again and again and it's exhausting (me trying to interact with her without him, her always introducing him, me going numb and then regretting that later). At least this is something else.
• I think there is at least a part of me that is resilient enough to see her struggle with whether to believe me or not, and it might actually help me contexualize her bad reactions before if I can hear how ridiculous (and patriarchal) her inner dialogue is
  • as long as I can discuss this with someone else who thinks the way I do? as long as I'm not looking to her for any form of validation?
• I will have my own counselling and possibly a support group and that will not always be true so better to do it now than wait and not have those things?
• I aspire to be done dealing with abuse sooner rather than later and this might help speed up whatever happens?
• Also, by talking about something painful but more manageable now I am increasing the chances that she will be able to believe me if I tell her about the sexual or physical abuse of my childhood?
• It's potentially a change to have someone stick up for me when it comes to my family and I have always wanted that? I've never had an ally and a counsellor potentially is one

Potential cons of doing this:

• I still have a huge gaping wound where telling someone and receiving support should be.
• Am I just disconnected from my feelings now and would actually struggle with the conversations I thought I would be ok with once they come back?
• I have been majorly depressed and struggling with daily functioning in many ways, so I can't really afford to get worse.
• I don't have a lot of faith that she can actually change

I think on balance I will try to do it? At least at first and if it's a disaster I can reassess. This means I need to call her and tell her this. And hope she remembers offering.

 

[sidptitala]

At least I have a few things to be proud of.

• I submitted by student loan funding application which was a major thing I've avoided for months
• I went to an appointment to get welfare (but god, pretending your PTSD doesn't affect you is so hard!) (and God, finding work is supposed to be my priority but not having food to eat feels so much more urgent and it makes me want to cry)
• I saw my sister (it was weird, but ok)
• Supported my girlfriend with some sad news

I feel so bone tired and exhausted and defeated these days. Feel like I've just hit a wall with PTSD where I can't avoid things anymore and there's a small child screaming under my skin that she needs things she can never have. I've struggled so much since 2022, and I struggled so much before. But I really need some respite from everything or even just to be able to acknowledge, with some people, that everything is as hard as it is.

I went to counselling twice and have a 3 week break now. The second time I felt so relieved after it- he asked me about my family tree and I explained it to him. His way of being is so different from the therapist I did EMDR with. He seems to listen a lot more-and I think that's why I feel relieved. Yesterday's was a lot lighter and we didn't get into abuse itself. But more about anger.

When I'm alone these days I'm so angry at my mom. How even now she wants me to just not have any needs at all, her and my dad's always come first. I have no experience expressing anger in any part of my life. The counsellor seemed surprised almost all of my anger is directed at my mom and not my dad- I said that there's no hope of reconciling with him so it doesn't seem to matter. But my mom is different. Because she is a good person and one I actually want to have a relationship with. I've only started to be angry at her recently and I think I wasn't for so long because i needed her.

When I was a child I thought she hated me. But I loved her. And one day I hoped I would earn a place in her heart. I've still been that way until a few months ago. Trying to act the right way so she will love and protect me. But she won't, because she didn't. I couldn't see that before. I wasn't angry at her because I couldn't afford to be.

But if she had protected me I might not have PTSD now. I would have suffered so much less if she made only minor changes. It wouldn't have inconvenienced her very much. But it would have made a huge difference.

If she had said, or shown without saying, that 'violent behaviour is unacceptable' or that 'you matter and don't deserve to be treated like that' or that 'you deserve an apology' or that 'it can never happen again and I will help it not to' or that 'he needs to change' or that 'i want to keep you safe'.

God, writing the last paragraph is making me cry and I have no control over it. I haven't cried in so long. Especially the line 'I want to keep you safe' that one really hits deep.

I don't like crying like this but I know I have to to not be so numb.

 

[mszl]

Letting oneself to cry can be difficult. I hope you were able to open your emotional dam a little bit.

 

[sidptitala]

Letting oneself to cry can be difficult. I hope you were able to open your emotional dam a little bit.

Thanks for your words @mszl. I hope the same for you

 

[sidptitala]

I think I'm getting a little more comfortable being angry? Because I've realised I'm only unbearably angry when I'm on my own. Yesterday riding my bike home I ranting to myself under my breath, role playing hard conversations with both my mom and girlfriend. Despite that, I have no experience expressing anger on my own behalf so I'm putting off those conversations. But that's not the only reason I'm putting them off.

It's because it's hard. Talking about abuse is hard. Asking people who've only ever tried to make your feelings go away to change and hear you express them is hard. I've been so alone in battling this.

This is what I said to the psychiatrist in the morning. That I'm completely on my own in battling this and can't afford to casually get worse because I don't have anyone to turn to if it does. I was explaining why I was afraid of adding new medication that I've reacted badly to in the past. Because if it makes me determined to kill myself again I don't have anyone who I can tell. I started crying in their office yesterday, and I felt a lot of shame about that today but I'm trying not to. I understand it's normal to be crying in this situation but it also feels humiliating.

I've been out of counselling for 4 months and they've been 4 months of hell. I was not ready to end and was getting a lot worse around the time emdr ended. Was it irresponsible of the therapist to suddenly stop like that, when I didn't have anything else lined up and was getting rapidly worse? I don't know. I still feel a lot of anger at him and how he handled everything to do with abuse. How he assumed a lot of things about me that are not true.

 

[sidptitala]

I think the early signs are good that my new counselling will help me get over the ways emdr therapist made me worse, just by being different from him. It's already helping with that. The new therapist is treating my abuse history like it belongs to me and it's my decision how to think about it. That makes an enormous difference. I guess that's what I lack in my life. The space to have my own feelings about things that have happened to me.

I feel that lack of space so much with my mom, sister, girlfriend and friends. I'm isolating myself but I'm also giving myself the space I need to feel my own feelings and not dismiss them as others have.

I stayed with my girlfriend this week, and tried to have some of the conversations I avoid. I tried opening up a little about my dad but she told me I'm making myself sad thinking about it and should instead try to forgive and that forgiveness is for me :( :( That upset me. I've talked before about how much it hurt me that I was expected by my mom to forgive him before his fists ever left me- and without ever naming what he did or him atoning for it. And now she reacts the same way :( Just doesn't want to hear about it and wants me to stop talking about it. It's maybe the 3rd time I've said that I remember more things but I don't say more than that. She doesn't ask and I don't impose. Am I right to feel telling her I was also sexually abused is unwelcome? I feel that what's blocking me from talking about it to her is not just me. It's also the lack of space in our relationship for my feelings. And I need to act differently for that to change.

Trying to have that conversation was a big step for me though. And I kept trying. I asked her another if she was searching for counselling and she said she stopped. I told her that I would feel like a burden was lifted from me if she would keep trying. We both agreed that she has OCD and I said that how forcefully she insists I do things according to her rules is a problem for me. I encouraged her to look for psychologists and she says she will. The conversation was hard for her and she cried. It showed me how hurt she has been by life and her family too and I felt a lot of love for her.

I felt so much love for her generally during the time I was with her. If it was always like this I would be so happy. I am trying to be really committed and content with standing up for myself more. And removing the role I have played that enables her to survive without tackling her own mental health head on.

I really do need to talk about how I was abused and be listened to. I feel so bereft of an emotionally supportive partner and so willing to change and become more protective of myself. it's only been like this since I got angry. I think I'm developing self worth? That I'm worth getting angry for. That I've been wronged and those things shouldn't have happened to me.

Sometimes I want to write more here about where I come from and it's role in all of this. But I'm scared of how identifying that is. I'm a bit jealous of other people who can reveal more without exposing themselves.

I think new memories are threatening to happen. All of a sudden this week I remembered an event from my 4 year old life. It is innocuous and I know it really happened. Maybe it's starting counselling again? I haven't had new memories since I stopped that and when they've emerged from September-March it has been like this. An innocent event. More details. More details. Finally BOOM. The last memory was the worst one yet. It came in emdr. There are bits of it (the worst images) that I know I've seen but I now can't recall clearly.

What I remember is he hurt me on his bed. I had my shorts off. I couldn't walk properly afterwards and I was bleeding. I was about 7. When I think about it I feel the pain that was like a knife in my stomach (is this why having my period triggers me so much?) and also the weakness and being unable to walk. I think I remember looking at the lower half of my body on the bed and it didn't feel like it belonged to me but I felt that sharp pain. My legs, vagina, stomach were all there and he was between them. They didn't feel like they belonged to me but I could feel how much they hurt. Then I wasn't there. And couldn't move. And he made me walk. He forced me to walk to the bathroom and had to help me walk there. I wanted to be dead. I resented him so much for making me walk and clean myself (he made me do it with tissue, put the tissue in my hand). I remember what he wanted me to wipe was like ice cream with a streak of jelly, or like mayonaisse with a streak of ketchup.

I didn't have words for that experience. Had never heard of sex at that age. He hurt me but he was allowed to. I had to make myself numb to survive the things that happened and I tried so hard not to look, not to see, not to feel.

I know there are so many more things to remember. If I have an inner child 4 months ago she was screaming at me, STOP! Get me help!

I'm trying to. I'm trying my best. If there's an adult in me it's saying 'please don't overwhelm me'. And the child is saying 'get me help or I will'.

 

[sidptitala]

I've been trying to avoid sitting with my thoughts and feelings today. I don't feel as numb as I had done, and I am aware that's a good thing. But the sadness (everyone's sadness plus mine) just feels like a lot. None of it is new information, it's just I am so numb a lot of the time.

I feel sad for my girlfriend because her grandmother is dying, and sad for her grandmother and her mother too (they are all staying together right now). Her grandmother might know she is dying because she's scared to sleep and wants to stay up praying with them all the time.

I also feel sad for my girlfriend because her family keep screwing her over in lots of different (cruel) ways. They're acting like she is powerless and doesn't matter. It makes me angry on her behalf sometimes, really angry. And it's a good part of why living in her family as her partner was so bad for me too.

I'm sad about our relationship. The unkindness she brought into it and the desperation I did.

I'm sad about my sister and my mom too. When I saw my sister last she told me a story about police brutality at a protest she went to. She told it like she observed it and only at the end did I realise she was in the line of fire too because of one thing she said casually. It reminds me so much of the way I used to talk, especially about that worst massacre. My memory of it was in pieces and it was like it belonged to someone else. I knew it was important enough to talk about but I had no idea what I was trying to say. She talked about this like that.

One of the times this year I talked to her before this, she told me that she had to escape out the back door of the house from dad in the middle of the night. It was because she was going to the airport in the middle of the night and he didn't want her to go. When she escaped and went to the bus stop for the airport there was a man running laps of the street. In her telling, our dad was reasonably angry because going out at night was unsafe. It made me sad for her. That she was trying to rationalise his behaviour she obviously felt scared enough to run away from. And he must have blocked the door for her too.

She abruptly stopped living with my parents after this and went to live elsewhere. She does that a lot, like I used to. I would convince myself home was going to be fine and then it wouldn't be. She might move back in with them because she misses having running water and electricity and her place now doesn't have that. (I hate how awful living standards are in my country. I've had her dilemma so many times myself )

I wonder how my mom is feeling and I feel sad for her. I haven't been in contact since we had that conversation she initiated. I think she is potentially at a turning point in her life. I think she's lonely. She said she was sad she wasn't close to me or my sister and we didn't tell her anything about our lives. I think I was gentle but honest in telling her of course we're not close when what happened happened and she didn't support me. I don't know if she will or can. I also know that I need to do anything I have to do to feel safe where he is concerned, even if that means limiting my contact with her.

I have no idea what he's like as a husband. If she feels loved by him. If he cares about her. If he has ever hit her. If she has ever been afraid of him. There's no way she would answer those questions honestly because she lives in an alternative world where he was a great husband and father. I don't understand what she gets from being with him other than economic security or the idea that by marrying and having children with him she has made her bed and now must lie in it.

Ugh I hate wading into all of this. There is so much on my mind and I wish I could put some of it down.

Thank God my sexual abuse memories have stopped coming for a while. I know there are more of them but I need to build a life that can handle it first. I'm scared of when the deadline for that might be. I know I need to develop self compassion.

I feel like I need to develop self compassion to allow others in my life to have it for themselves too. I can see that they won't emphathise with me until they have it for themselves, either. Will expect me to toughen up and move on because they had to.