a new memory (maybe)

[Midnightmoon]

feel like I am being ungrateful to want to go every week?

Not ungrateful in the slightest. Normal, really really normal. The cornerstones of safe therapy are consistency and reliability to build that safe base between you and T to then work through stuff. Having no structure or plan is massively hard

 

[sidptitala]

The cornerstones of safe therapy are consistency and reliability to build that safe base between you

Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not crazy. I really don't have this with this therapist, for a lot of reasons. But probably the most important is not knowing when the next appointment is or how many appointments with him I am going to have.

Him being a man is a huge scary thing to me. So is the government building the therapy is in. And so is the fact this service called the police to my parents house before. How do I know they won't do it again?

I'm scared because I was honest about having flashbacks and he freaked out about risk. How much can I say to him without losing my liberty? I'm not sure. I didn't even know I was dissociating but he saw that and it freaked him out. He really wants me to tell him all the details of abuse but how can I do that if he's going to go over my head if I dissociate or have flashbacks? I can almost guarantee that if I talk about abuse I will do that.

I suppose I am not willing to risk losing my liberty, being sent to a hospital. If I am sent to a hospital I feel pretty certain they will not help me because I've been in the mental health system almost a year and haven't really been helped. They'll restrain and drug me and that will be traumatising. They'll tell my parents I'm there and why and I won't survive that because he'll try to kill me.

I am desperate not to be traumatised again. Talking to this therapist feels like a huge risk for me.

Its not just risky for him, its risky for me.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Everything you are sharing about your difficulty in trust makes so much sense in the context of the therapy you currently have access too, without even throwing trauma into the mix. I'd be very very reluctant to attempt to engage in trauma work with a therapist I had to clue when I was next seeing or how many sessions I was working with.

Are any other rooms as possibility for you, in the sense of other services/ charities/ lower cost places etc etc so you have a level of choice and control in some of this?

 

[One step at a time]

I am not willing to risk losing my liberty, being sent to a hospital.

I am desperate not to be traumatised again. Talking to this therapist feels like a huge risk for me.

Its not just risky for him, its risky for me.

This is all very reasonable. I read a little of your diary, and I see that you've been through a lot. You need real and reliable care from someone who understands trauma, can respond competently, and doesn't panic or overreact in ways that are harmful. You deserve those things - we all do.

any therapy is better than no therapy

I don't think this is the case. Harmful "therapy" is worse than no therapy, because it does additional harm. Good therapy is better than no therapy, because it helps us change how we see and feel in ways that allow us to live more fully. I wonder what you might need in order to discern whether this therapy is doing you (1) some good (2) some harm (3) a mixture of both?

 

[sidptitala]

I said something major today but felt absolutely fine doing it. Numb even.

I said I felt like he was inside me all the time. 100% of the time when I am going through the day. Impaled by an icicle inside me, squashed by his chest.

I felt fine saying it. I mean I couldn't breathe and I couldn't exhale. I also felt like I had to keep myself absolutely still. Or the barbed wire inside me would tear.

I have such a vulnerability hangover (is that a concept? It should be) about this today. I can't believe I said that. I hope its going to be ok.

I'm afraid it was way too much, that it makes me insane, or that I won't be able to stay oriented talking about it and that will make me look insane. I've struggled with this before but my last 2 therapists weren't freaked out by it. These two are - ugh. I hope its going to be ok. I want to run away but I'm forcing myself to go.

 

[sidptitala]

It was fine, in the end. She said she didn't think I was insane. She said I just sounded like a person with PTSD, which is a common problem (intellectually I know this but I have felt so stigmatised or something by the way the other therapist reacted to the symptoms of this).

She said I wasn't insane and that helped so much. Maybe I need to try and see if a female therapist is possible at the other place- maybe then I will feel like I have some agency in the whole thing. Women are a much surer bet than men about this stuff -like not a sure one but the chance is greater. I know with a woman I wouldn't be worried about her getting off to what I'm saying or scared she is going to rape me herself. All women have that awareness they can be overpowered and I don't love being made out to be crazy for feeling it. For feeling that growing up into an adult really has not made me safe. But then I know its possible for a woman to make me feel like I'm crazy too- its just less likely.

Because I do need to talk about the trauma itself. This therapist is just about trying to get back to daily living and that's all I can talk about with her really -but despite that I feel so much more sane even about the trauma with her.

I felt so insane with the male therapist this week and last. He said I could benefit from his expertise. He asked me why I went down that staircase when I told him I got locked inside (why would I not go down it? Who would ever design a staircase that you can enter but locks after you in a public building?). He told me it was unlikely I would lose everyone (how could he know this?). I feel like he challenges almost everything I say. I said before that no one can tell you that you are safe. And he said, if you firmly believe that you are not safe. But its not a question of my beliefs -thats the truth of my experience. My experience has been that I cannot declare myself safe. Each time I've tried I found out how wrong I was. Being a woman is not safer than being a child, it just means I have better chances at escaping if I keep myself alert to danger. The alertness exhausts me but I don't just have a choice to turn it off - I need it to survive. Safety needs to be real.

What is real safety like? Its knowing no one will hurt you in devastating ways. Its knowing they can't because others will intervene. Maybe this is the heart of the issue for me. I want desperately to feel safe but I'm not an idiot. We live in a very unsafe world. I am not disordered for seeing it that way. I know that. Even if the men around me don't.

 

[sidptitala]

I'd be very very reluctant to attempt to engage in trauma work with a therapist I had to clue when I was next seeing or how many sessions I was working

Thank you for saying this, I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone about this. To him it seems weird that I want to know. He said in response to me asking how long I had left because I'm worried about time being up suddenly- that he would not open something he could not close in the last few sessions. But that relies on me trusting him I think and I can't just do that? There is a time limit and I feel like I need to know what it is. I know from previous experience that the therapist feeling we're done doesn't mean I will feel that way. Partially I am where I am because my previous male therapist ended therapy suddenly - he had reached the end of his programme, but I was so much worse. I'm still trying to dig out of that hole.

so you have a level of choice and control in some of this?

This is a good point, thank you for saying it. Maybe I can ask to switch to a female therapist, that might be one if the only choices the agency would allow me to have.

You need real and reliable care from someone who understands trauma, can respond competently, and doesn't panic or overreact in ways that are harmful.

Oh, thank you for saying this -its a relief to hear.

. I wonder what you might need in order to discern whether this therapy is doing you (1) some good (2) some harm (3) a mixture of both?

Thank you for raising this, I am going to try to figure this out .

 

[Midnightmoon]

I liked your play on the AI with some of this stuff you are grappling with (and some of it was really helpful from a personal perspective too!)

And yes

I have such a vulnerability hangover (is that a concept? It should be) about this today. I can't believe I said that. I hope its going to be ok.

This is very much a thing! We're used to not talking, not trusting, not letting our guards down... so when we start, god it feels alien and awful and makes you want to take all the words back. It comes back to the safety thing I think, you need to feel safe with T to allow that process to happen. Disclosing stuff to someone you feel fearful of isn't going to help

 

[sidptitala]

I liked your play on the AI with some of this stuff you are grappling with (and some of it was really helpful from a personal perspective too!)

I'm glad it helped you! I feel for you a lot and am glad you found something about it helpful. I find the AI thing very helpful for making decisions tbh.

you need to feel safe with T to allow that process to happen. Disclosing stuff to someone you feel fearful of isn't going to help

Yes unfortunately :(

 

[sidptitala]

Today has been so hard.

Was up most of last night crying about my girlfriend, being sure we had to break up (it came out of nowhere, it does that).

Hard day at work. First thing a colleague tried to recruit me to be a public face of abuse survivors (and therefore outed me to someone else). I felt so overwhelmed and lacking in support. I'm so so so so not ready to do that. I feel so pushed by this colleague in so many ways, she works in a way that is burning her out and I can't work that way.

Progress that I texted her after to say that. She understood.

Progress that I texted my girlfriend to ask how her search for counselling is going. I'll need to break up with her if she still won't go because I can't live like this.

Life is hell but I guess I'm surviving. I feel so off the deep end without counselling this week. I also feel off the deep end when I go. It's not helping. It adds to the sense of being about to burst because it feels like it's a crumb and my need for it is so great and then it takes ages to come around again.

Need to remember I'm not insane, I'm unsafe.

 

[mszl]

You are not insane. And have a hug for hard times

 

[sidptitala]

Thank you @mszl