General A Newbie Question

[dayglo]

Just joined this group. Wife has been diagnosed with PTSD...

It seems that slowly her stress and tension "builds up"... Every day she gets slightly more stressed (over little things) and slowly gets "overwhelmed". I have to start walking on eggshells. Then the eggshells turn into broken glass... Finally she "explodes", with hatred, hostility, anger all directed at me..

After a day or two, she slowly calms down. Then she gets sorry and depressed over how she acted... Then after a few days, she gets worried that I am going to leave her and gets very "clingy" and demanding my attention. Then things are "OK" for a week or so. Then everyday things start to bother her again, raising her tension and stress level, which slowly build up... and the cycle starts again.

When she's a little stressed, it would take something large to trigger her. But when she's all stressed out, it seems anything becomes a trigger.

She had an episode three week ago and I can see that she is getting "stressed" over everything. I know another episode is coming... whether it is a week, two weeks, or three weeks away. It's like being in a car rolling downhill without breaks. Sooner or later there will be an accident...

I've tried to "map it out" and it doesn't follow a set pattern but definitely seems cyclical in nature. Is this common? Thanks...

 

[amethist]

Hi dayglo

Welcome to the forum.

Instead of going into a lot of explanations about this I am just going to share this link. Hopefully this will explain a lot to you about why it takes time for it all to build up, then why it blows.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960[/DLMURL]

Amethist

 

[dayglo]

Thanks... What gets me is that when she is "triggered" the verbal attacks against me are so cruel and vicious and personal. And when she "comes down", she doesn't even remember all of the attacks, and wants be to forgive and "move on", when I hurt for days or even weeks,,,

 

[Bliss55]

Hi day,

I truly understand what your going through. As my husband and I are both sufferes due to a tragic event. Honestly, what helped us was counseling (together and individually). Prior to that, are fights were brutal, and there were talks of divorce. While, I still remember vividly some of things he has said, I realize it was due to frustration and pain. In acknowledging this, I understand that it's is not acceptable or an excuse. I began to forgive him when he made efforts to work on himself and change. This was not an easy task - it took a lot of exhausting hours in the therapists office.

I'm sorry to hear that the two of you are suffering. If you don't mind me asking, are either of you in therapy? Perhaps, this will provide each of you some insight and understanding into how you interact and cope with specific scenarios.


Hugs :)

 

[dayglo]

My wife has been in therapy for many years but everything was "OK". She had a "rough" childhood. Her parents passed away a few years ago (six weeks apart, but that's another story) and her issues started. I started therapy last year (actually with the same therapist which was helpful in the therapist understanding things from my point of view as well as understanding her "triggers") but that has to change as it's "a conflict of interest".

 

[NarcSis]

I can't remember the psychological term but she sounds like she is internalizing the hurt, pain she feels until it all comes out in extremely angry and personal ways. It's a way to project her pain and her only method of defense....you will unfortunately be her only "trusted" target.

I used to do this to my hubby in my early stages and still do from time to time when I fall off my care routine.

It hurts you yes, and sharing the enormous amount of internal pain is our only line of defense. Our ability to cope with life's even most trivial issues has been rendered immature - PTSD symptom that will improve with time and relearning on her part.

You recognize the cycle, she doesn't yet. Keep reassuring yourself that the hurt she hurls at you is just PTSD, part of the cycle, nothing more. Take care of yourself.

It actually helped my symptom awareness to print the PTSD graphic and post it on the fridge. I'm now more aware of when my stress is building and I can act to bring it back down.

Good luck.

 

[Bliss55]

Day glo,

My husband attends counseling with me but, had to be referred to someone else for individual sessions because of the conflict. I agree with medic (well said ), perhaps when she begins to recognize things about herself, she will begin to change. Because, my husband and I are both dealing with PTSD - I see bits and pieces from both sides. I still remember some of he things he has said during his fits. He was also emotionally detached for periods of time, which I initially though was indifference to my feelings, when in actuality it was his way of coping. I'm not sure if this will help but, we were told to go on dates again- dinner, icecream a walk to try to reconnect sort of. Maybe some enjoyable, light activities?


Good luck to you both :)

 

[dayglo]

Well, now her "cup" is beginning to fill up with stress. (I always thought of it as a pot of water which comes to slow boil and then overflows and burns everyone but I'll use the cup analogy). She hates the house. He hates her job. I need to get a new job since she can't work anymore. Her arm hurts (minor tendonitis but to her its a reminder of her past) so I have to do the laundry and dishes and she's beginning to criticize me if I don't do it "right".

"If you only paid more attention to detail then I wouldn't get so stressed and you know what happens when I get too stressed".

I know she will have another outburst 7-10 days from now and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'm on a runaway train or an out-of-control car going down a hill with faulty breaks. By walking on eggshells I can only delay the inevitable...

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi Dayglo,

Just a thought here since I don't know details about your wife (and you don't need to share) if she had an abusive childhood. It's common for many memories to appear after the abuser(s) pass away. So you have abuse/trauma plus the PTSD on top of that.

It sounds pretty explosive so I'm guessing there is still a lot of hurt that hasn't been unearthed.

 

[dayglo]

Wow. that's exactly when it started.. her parents passed away a few years ago, six weeks apart (that's another story). She had trauma before I knew her but the PTSD started about a year or two after her parents passed away.

At first it was just me, but now our son (10 years old) is starting to be a "trusted" target as well. That scares me more than anything else.

 

[Sailorgal]

Who knows what she remembers. Sometimes it takes years to uncover things.

As you seek counseling, it would be beneficial to try and help her avoid any known triggers (some you may not be able to). Maybe you can see a common denominator. It doesn't mean she won't explode, but it helps to reduce as much from the "cup" as possible.

Keep yourself strong as well.

 

[Loveneverfails]

As a sufferer too I can say sometimes medication can help when things get overwhelming. I waited far too long to admit I needed it, anxiety medication can truly help. Days when my 'cup' is getting too full I am able to take something and find a less volatile way to handle my emotions.