A Reason To Live: Fighting Suicidal Thoughts

[mamachick]

Physical pain is exhausting mentally and physically. It can lead into a vicious cycle. Add stress and I find myself exhausted but unable to sleep-almost wired but in severe need. I have actually felt bad and then had to be put to sleep for a surgery or procedure and woke up great and ready to get back to live. I guess Im a fan of Michael Jacksons sleep meds (kidding of course) but I really have responded well from anesthesia. I fell like I would volunteer about now.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I like this idea very much. Especially after the weekend I had where I found I didn't have a list like this that meant much. The only thing that kept me here was the thought of causing pain to people who have caused me none. Maybe doing this list will keep me from feeling what I felt on Sunday ever again.

• My kids. There is no safe support system for them. Their adopted father is a known pedophile, their biological mother is a prostitute with schizophrenia and their father is unknown. Their aunts and uncles are nearly all mentally unstable or are in no position to be able to care for them. If I go, they literally will have NO ONE.
• If I go, my abusers can spend the rest of their lives believably claiming I was the unstable one. That the issues I had, had nothing to do with them at all.
• If I go, my story becomes tragic and I lose my ability to speak out. I lose my chance for justice.
• I refuse to give the b@stards the satisfaction of becoming nothing more than a memory.
• If I go I know I will traumatize the gentle hearted people who have tried to know me and care about me. I can't fail them even a little bit. Not with alcohol, not with drugs, not with suicide.

Hopefully reading that list will help if I ever get so low again. Thanks Anthony for a great coping method I hadn't thought about.

 

[Hashi]

Thanks Anthony for this thread....
1) Because I have booked a holiday in Italy so I have to carry on until June ;)
.

Ah, now that is worth holding on for. YItaly

I'm wondering if we need a sister thread to this one, along the lines of struggles with reasons to live. It seems like this is something worth talking about, and people need to. Maybe this thread could be kept for the positives, to inspire and encourage, and another could be there for the struggles and discussion?

Hashi

 

[712xx]

Hey Hashi, have you see the other thread on this D & SI page? The title is "[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/whats-keeping-you-alive.12363/"]What's keeping you alive[/DLMURL]?" posted by Jadebear. It is like 12 pages long, but it helped me a few nights ago just reading through the responses.

I was still IN those SI feelings, but reading how others were fighting for the life side rather than laying themself down on the dark side allowed me to sit in the SI; I was metaphorically speaking with others by reading their words, and replying to them in my mind without actually acting on the SI. I could be in it but still okay, because I was "talking about it" in my own way.

 

[a3a2]

I understand, brat. I can remember so many times when I wanted to do anything that would dull the pain. I am glad now, that I didn't, but, oh, I wanted it so bad then.

 

[rowean]

• my son
• my husband
• my students
• I will never get to direct the most amazing play in the world
• my big dumb dog and little dumb dog, both who get worried about me

 

[HëllaBubz]

As my darling brother said to me the other day when I told him I had been hospitalised for suicide watch..... "no does that, who am I going to huggle on the weekend if you do?" and then he gave me a big hug.

Pretty sweet for a 19yo tradie I think. I adore him, he can be a slack arse, but I love him to bits and pieces.

 

[Ice_Fire]

1) I'm not going to let 'them' beat me- they failed at killing me, so I refuse to do it for them
2) I can't leave Gran
3) I can't leave Declan, he's stuck by me, so I'm going to stick around too!
4)I have a holiday to look forward to! Cruise around the Med in August!

 

[rowean]

I keep going back to the number one reason - my son.

Today I told my T that if it weren't for him I could just be done. Then I had to quickly declare I wouldn't hurt myself.

But then I thought, I could just disappear, go down to the beach, head out for a swim, no fuss no muss.

But I can't do that to him. His father is in no place to take care fo him and I can't abandon him. He is too wonderful and talented and amazing and I have to try to stick around to see who he will become someday. I have to hope that I don't end up feeling like I am dragging him down and that he would be better off without me.

 

[Christian Price]

I've been there and I regretted pulling the trigger. When the bullet hit; the reason "why" I shot myself no longer mattered; I wanted to live. I was 16... I am 42. I wanted to be a father; I have been stricken by what seems like PTSD. I just started this process; I seem to fit the symptoms I got therapy for a year back then and was told "Own it boy." So I sucked it up and went on. Without a doubt some of what has been posted maters the most. Simple joys like a dog or a cup of Tea; are very powerful in fighting back. Family next. Sometimes family can be the source of the pain as it was for me at the hands of an abuser; when the round hit me; I wished for a hundered abusers over what I'd unleashed on my body. It's good to be alive..

 

[Nighthawk]

When it comes down to it it is my pets that really keep me holding on. They are not who the are with others. They need to be taken care of.

My daughter for the fact that I don't want mess her head up to this degree.

Picking a fresh tomato off the vine.

The unknown.

It will feel better.

Been holding on a lot lately.

 

[Loner]

I don't want to let my parents and my brother have that much power over me. I used to think killing myself would make them feel guilty, now I know they would all just use it to garner sympathy and attention from others and that thought sickens me. I still want to check out sometimes just because I am sick of hurting.

My dog. Snarls Barkley has been through a lot and deserves me being there for him for a little while longer.

Things will get better someday. Really they have gotten better, I am just far far too hard on myself to give myself any credit. I deserve to live though, even if I hate myself at times I really do deserve to live.

I can do some good in the world. The world doesn't just revolve around me and my needs, and I would like to believe I have helped some people. I know I have at least helped a few dogs.

Life is short enough already. I don't beleive in god or the afterlife, I dont think there is anything else waiting for me. Cutting things even shorter just because waaaahhhh, life is just too hard for me (not trying to minimize anyone elses suffering, sometimes it just helps to view my own anguish in such a light, I get so wrapped up in it its good to remind myself its only as important as I make it) seems silly. I'll be dead in the blink of an eye anyways, might as well try and do the best I can while I am here.