A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

First I’m sorry for losing my cool in that other thread. It brought up other stuff I’m not ready to talk about anywhere.

Second, this pill is f*cking amazing I don’t know why I fought the doctor on it so hard. Just half a pill is enough to take away all the edges and I feel like I’ve got this soooo much more control not just binging on food but binging on everything. Last nights pound was gone this morning but I messed up this morning but I’m about to have gym time again so it should go away.

Third. I don’t know, I just feel f*cking fantastic today and I’m loving it.

 

[internal]

Third. I don’t know, I just feel f*cking fantastic today and I’m loving it.

glad to hear you are feeling good little.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Boom that shits gone.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

My reproductive system despises exercise. All hail the month long period sorry, TMI.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

So I’m thinking I shouldn’t even be here. Cause this is for PTSD obvs. And I thought I had it and a whole bunch of other stupid acronyms that docs said I had. But I think they’re wrong. My gyno and my brother were right all along. It’s just willpower and this pill gives me that so good. I feel absolutely amazing and pretty sure everything’s just been a bunch of made up crap in my head.

But, I love y’all and hope everyone is able to recover/manage well and have great lives. Thank you for accepting me while I was here I really appreciated it.

 

[joeylittle]

Second, this pill is f*cking amazing I don’t know why I fought the doctor on it so hard. Just half a pill is enough to take away all the edges and I feel like I’ve got this soooo much more control not just binging on food but binging on everything.

Are you talking about the phentamine?

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Are you talking about the phentamine?

Yeah

 

[joeylittle]

Yeah

Thanks for confirming that

It’s just willpower and this pill gives me that so good. I feel absolutely amazing and pretty sure everything’s just been a bunch of made up crap in my head.

So - phentamine isn't technically an amphetamine, but it's very very close. The things you should note are:
1. The focus and energy effects you're getting right now will be gone after 3-4 weeks of regular use
2. The optimism is probably resulting from the slight mania that phentamine can trigger.

Bottom line is, this drug is not actually the solution to any underlying mental health issues you have going on. Given how depressed you sounded in your earlier posts, I just want to encourage you to still follow through with the psych appointment. Maybe you'll turn out to be fine and not need anything, but from your past experience -

I want to get back on medication but I feel weird asking for it.

I know I need a psychiatrist to get back on brain meds,

And, this from your new therapist:

She wants to cultivate a team of her, a nutritionist, and a psychiatrist who actually talk to each other and help me. No ones done that or talked like that before. My last T when I talked about the eating disorder (diagnosed by psychiatrist) the response was to make sure to keep some salad stuff on hand and hey this keto diet is real popular. That T didn’t get what I was trying to say. This one is very anti diet though and has experience with eating disorders apparently. Which is good, it’s what I need.

...I think - even if you end up working with phentamine again - you'll be better doing it under a doctor's care, and with some clinical co-ordination that your therapist seems very capable of managing.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

The optimism is probably resulting from the slight mania that phentamine can trigger.

So first, I’ve been avoiding responding because I’m not totally sure what to say. Thank you for calling me out and umm thank you for not seeming to judge this craziness that is my brain right now.

So I wanted to touch on the above sentence. Mania is a really good word here. So prior to starting the med I was obvs not in a great place and all these changes that are happening and moms losing weight like crazy on her post cancer hormone replacement, and weighing together and my siblings comments about how my BED is not an eating disorder that that’s ridiculous and I just lack simple willpower and then the upcoming gyno appointment because of how the last one went. . . It was all too much so I was desperate for anything I could get my hands.

I don’t ever get rid of pills and I didn’t take more than one of those before because they made me feel weird. So I decided to do half just to take the edges off and make it last longer. And I felt so incredible within hours. So I kept doing it. Until a friend of mine who is a solid pain in the ass basically reamed me for taking what they refer to as legal speed and well essentially they got a promise out of me to stop.

I am going to try to keep that promise. But I’m not going to lie- I really really really want to go back on it. And I only took three days worth. Well, actually half that? Technically. Whatever. Point is, only 3 days of it and I’m already craving it and the feelings it gives me. Granted not all the feelings are good. The first several hours are just euphoric and I genuinely feel like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I have just blown everything out of proportion in some misguided attempt at attention. But then after those initial blissful hours- I cry. At every little thing. I overheard a conversation where some lady had to put her dog down earlier in the day and I went in my car and just bawled. I read a particularly powerful sentence someone wrote and I f*cking bawled all over again. And I’m not a crier so this is really foreign territory.

not actually the solution to any underlying mental health issues

Ya. . . So the wearing off after hours reminds me of this and I don’t like it. I have lost pounds though, I’m just the 3 days. Which is making a monster out of the proverbial voices in my head (I’m not schizophrenic- just a voice for each issue maybe? Not actual voices). Because I’m craving the continuance of the heavenly part. But how bad does the bad part get? And can I truly handle what it could maybe do? I knew it could be addictive cause doctor warned me but couple that with my predilection for addiction and well, how much worse could those after hours get? What happens when I build up a tolerance? What would I do to continue it?

Ugh but it’s such an easy f*cking out.

 

[joeylittle]

But how bad does the bad part get? And can I truly handle what it could maybe do? I knew it could be addictive cause doctor warned me but couple that with my predilection for addiction and well, how much worse could those after hours get?

It can get very, very bad. And it's not "could be addictive" - it's actually addictive. You're discovering exactly why, right now.

Look - there are valid medical reasons for it being prescribed. But you aren't currently working with a doctor who is monitoring your use....so, don't pretend it's meds - it's (as your friend said) speed.

Ugh but it’s such an easy f*cking out.

In the big picture? It's not actually an easy out. It seems like it right now, but even now, you're experiencing the drops. This stuff:

But then after those initial blissful hours- I cry. At every little thing. I overheard a conversation where some lady had to put her dog down earlier in the day and I went in my car and just bawled. I read a particularly powerful sentence someone wrote and I f*cking bawled all over again. And I’m not a crier so this is really foreign territory.

This doesn't get any better, and won't go away. It'll get worse.

Until a friend of mine who is a solid pain in the ass basically reamed me for taking what they refer to as legal speed and well essentially they got a promise out of me to stop.

This is a good friend. And I'm glad you're going to try and stop. You can make that a lot easier by getting rid of the rest of the pills you have. Do you think you could do that?

And, how are things with working with your therapist to get a referral to a psychiatrist?

 

[LittleBigFoot]

getting rid of the rest of the pills you have.

Yes I can do this, I’ve been reluctant to but the more I want them the more I know I need to toss them in a dumpster somewhere.

And, how are things with working with your therapist to get a referral to a psychiatrist?

So I have a psych appointment set for September 1st. She’s new (to me) though so I definitely have some anxiety surrounding what’s going to happen. But I have weekly sessions with therapist before that, and of course after that. So we’ll see.

 

[joeylittle]

That's all great, @LittleBigFoot - really solid work you're doing.