A Toxic Friendship

[CrazyHorse]

I have recently realized I have been in a very controlling, toxic friendship with a female friend of mine.

I met her a couple of weeks after my trauma and after I had just cut off some old friends because of the trauma. She seemed almost 'God sent'. She understood what I was going through. She seemed very confident and competent in controlling her own life. She could handle all the bad stuff I told her, as it did not seem to weigh her down. She had a very black and white view on the world which I found very appeling in a time of total chaos.

I will not go into detail on how the relationship developed over the years in order to keep this post as short as possible, but there were many red flags at several occasions. Everytime i disagreed with her in any way, she would use my insecurity. She would pray on my trust issues both on my self and my surrondings, always telling me what kind of person was, what I felt, or what I should feel, and what I should do to become more like her. (eventhough she made it clear no one could become like her because she was the most awesome person in the universe) Putting me, my family and supporters down in such a subtle indirect and manipulative way that it slowly made me question myself and the people I love and so that I did not until recently realized what she was really up to.

I now realize that she was using me to project her own grandiose image of herself. That she could never stand it if I did not think, feel or do something she had told me was not good for me. I did'nt feel that my own choises were bad in my gut feeling, it made me happy, but she explained that it did not really make me happy, it was just my lack of ability to feel my true feelings because of my trauma. I also now know that the weight of my trauma did'nt wear her down simply due to the simple fact that she is not capable of emphaty.

Everything was suddenly clear to me in a split second, and instantly her power over me vanished, but I can't help but feel violated, used and fooled. Why did I not see it sooner? I know it is no use to look back, but I can't help but question where I would be today, how far I would have come in my healing if I had not met her. What is it all for? It makes me sick to my stomac that straight someone took control of my body by raping me, the next person I meet and trust took control of my mind, feelings and actions.

Also, eventhough the 'frendship' is over on my part and she will never ever come near me and my loved ones again, I know she will not let me go that easily. Right now, she is trying to shame me by not talking to me, because I went against her advise in a matter that is very dear to me. I do not want to ever hear from her or speak to her again. I know this will anger her and provoke the grandiose (false) image she has of herself. I know she has harassed people before when leaving her life. I just want her gone from my life. What do I do when she is done 'shaming' me?

Thanks guys :-)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't see you as foolish/fooled AT ALL. I see you as someone who is human and sees the good in people. You aren't a bitter, cynical person who mistrusts everyone who comes your way, and that is a good thing! Is what happened to you with this female a good thing? Well no, it's not. But, I want to stress that you aren't to blame for who she is and what she's done to you.

Sometimes it's hard to see people for who they really are. More than anything I think you should be congratulated for seeing her as toxic and removing her from your life! A lot of people wouldn't have your strength.

It is hard to kick someone out of your life when they won't leave you alone and it becomes harassment. But, you know it's coming so in a way you can mentally prepare for it.

I wish you the best.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you ever so much for that reply SOL :)

 

[saffy]

I agree, You certainly do not look foolish to me.

Her own issues caused her behaviour and she has obviously managed to do it before as you say she can get crappy with people when they leave. She will latch onto someone else soon anyway.

I had a similar friend. I believed that it showed me as the better person with better qualities because I would never treat someone like that just to boost my ego or anything else.

I feel the same about you. I am sure you would be a much better friend with lots more to offer than someone like that. :)

I look at it as a lesson I have learned about myself and how I want to be treated.

For the future I will acknowledge feelings like this quicker and it will help me not get involved with people who make me feel that way again.

No body has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. :)

That does not make me a fool though, and neither are you. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you Saffy :-) From reading your posts and responses on this forum, I know for sure that you are no fool!

I know that I am a better friend than her. I know I am nothing like her, but that is not really my issue. I try really hard to focus on the wonderful fact that I got her out of my life and that I finally saw her for what she was (a full blown Narcissist) and that she will never ever be able to suck out my energy again, pysically and emotionally.

But the extend she succeded does bug me. She did in fact have a lot of control over me and contributed to a lot of hassle in my life with the people who truely love and support me. I now realize she was tying to cause trouble in my healthy relationships in order isolate me, bacically. I feel like I have just left Jonestown or something. I can't shake this creepy feeling and I am angry, too.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would be exploring why I chose to relinquish control of myself to another person, though you did receive some initial benefit.

I am glad though that you are taking measures to kick this person out of your life now that you've received the benefit of her friendship and are meeting now with some growth.

I tend to think some people in my life are transitory, they serve a purpose/meed a need... then *poof* they are gone. She may be one of those.

When we sign up for friendship... or relationship, we do not necessarily have to participate in acting out someone's psycho-drama, nor they ours. It is growth to recognize an unhealthy friendship and to take the steps/actions to change it or remove ourselves from it.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I see your point TA, but this is not what it is about, at all.

 

[The Albatross]

Maybe not, but there is a pay off (most often) for what we do. Moving forward, I would explore the chink in the armor to preclude repeating the same again with another friendship.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Oh yes, I certainly agree with that!

Maybe I misunderstood, it is sometimes so easy when everything is in writing, but I was referring to this:

I am glad though that you are taking measures to kick this person out of your life now that you've received the benefit of her friendship [/quote]

Because I have not benefittet from knowing her. on the contrary! Yes, she had some qualities which seemed positive and powerful but they were not positive at the end of the day. She used them to pray on me when I was most receptive. Not very different from the way narcissistic and controlling men get a woman hooked romantically. And I doubt those women feel like thay have benefittet from them when they have broken free.

 

[The Albatross]

I met her a couple of weeks after my trauma and after I had just cut off some old friends because of the trauma. She seemed almost 'God sent'. She understood what I was going through. She seemed very confident and competent in controlling her own life. She could handle all the bad stuff I told her, as it did not seem to weigh her down. She had a very black and white view on the world which I found very appeling in a time of total chaos.

This is a transitory person. She served a purpose. In the end her use, long term, was detrimental. She did though serve a purpose.

Some people, in my own life, have also proven not positive at the end of the day. But the role they played at transitional times was immeasurable and beneficial. The crux of the matter is that we outgrow them.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Reflecting TA's impressions, for long I found it soothing to allow a succession of dominant others to effectively take command; i.e. to dictate what would be done, what was of interest, etc. Personal assertion seemed altogether too difficult for me, and given I didn't strictly comprehend the narcissism in evidence on the part of the other person, conflicts were few - they always got what they desired, while I denied I had any needs at all. Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me...

Maybe the succession of circumstances I describe weren't strictly abusive or even so obvious to me - but they surely were to others looking on. Slowly awareness dawned, and the foundation upon which these imbalanced relations rested upon shifted. I had changed - the other party hadn't at all, and for once I could SEE! Very uncomfortable awakening from a certain habitual slumber that had proven so comfortable even as I was disenthralled by so much that was routine and dull from before - although proximity to someone and routine activities comforts as contrasted to isolation and despair in my case. It took time and application to awake to the awareness that the 'minimal deal' I'd made to not be alone wasn't strictly a good one. Kind regards even as I'm a bit embarrassed to relate such...


M.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you for sharing your experience! Embarrasment is felt too. For what it is worth, Narcissists tend to prey on humans who posess the benevelent qualities they severely lack themselves.