A Trigger That Might Get In The Way Of My Career.

[BrazenBull]

Please excuse my .... I don't even know what to call it, I am very sleep deprived ATM.
I'm a nursing student, and my teacher warned me that I need to be more .... approachable or idk good at interacting skills.
As he was talking to me about this, I was already triggered and I was breathing hard, Clenching by bag with one hand, tapping the arm of the chair with the other, also tapping my foot. after a 4 min talk I was shivering, and the palms of my hand were sweaty. He told me to look in his eyes and talk, and I just went "I'm sorry Sir, I'll do better", trying to change the topic.
I am going to have to go to hospitals next semester caring for people, Its going to take lots of .... caring and ... eye contact, and .. talking idk D;<
When people touch me, like giving me a slight tap on the shoulder I jump too.
Sometimes I freak the f*ck out and find myself apologizing to people for no reason.
Even though I am really good at science, and although not a scholar student I am in a scholar class, with smart asian scholar classmates. (lol?) I am beginning to think maybe this was a bad choice of career.
This course feels so right, but so wrong at the same time I cant explain it, and its the only thing I got, its this or nothing, I don't want to transfer because the other nursing students are actually, mostly very nice and friendly and some of them know about my PTSD and still like me and aren't intimidated by it.
Even though socializing freaks me out, so does feeling unwanted, so ... it's kinda of one or the other and I find myself horribly stressed out by the end of every day because of this.

I could try that exposure therapy, trying to socialize little by little, but in case no one has noticed there are lots of people outside and there is no going about it "little by little". I go in the classroom, and Its already too overwhelming, so I just swallow my anxiety, walk to a chair, sit down, and shut up the rest of the day unless someone talks to me first.
I do have friends, they talk to me sometimes, but its like I don't feel welcomed to be around them sometimes, like even if we eat lunch together all the time, every time they go to eat lunch I wont get up to go eat with them unless they tell me to.

 

[Reclusive]

Can I assume that your end goal is nursing? Is there anyway where you can be placed in a ward with less social interaction - new borns maybe? They don't talk too much, I don't think. Something I saw on TV was to sit somewhere public and ask people what time it is as they go by. The first day, maybe just one person. The next, maybe two, or maybe still one, but keep adding people until you're comfortable doing it. It sounded like a good idea to me, and I'm thinking once I can accomplish the 'going to a public place' part I'll try that as well. Works good for me since I never have a clock handy anyways.

 

[BrazenBull]

o: Thats a great Idea, talking to strangers in a big crowded area though :s idk about that
Maybe I can try it somewhere where I feel at least a little more comfortable, like ... idk maybe at school when classes aren't going on

 

[Reclusive]

Yeah, pick a public space your comfortable with, preferably with people passing by, like a walking or jogging path or something with a bench you can sit on. The idea is to keep the people available changing so a) no one thinks you're crazy and b) you always have someone new to ask.

 

[BrazenBull]

ohh yeah xD good idea

 

[SimplyComplex]

Why did you choose nursing? Is it a job you are passionate about? Have you started clinical rotations? That is alot of people! Alot of touching...and its the training, you can't only train on newborns. It can also be stressful with noise, screaming, emergencies, people coming in with traumas and a fair bit of verbal abuse from doctors and other higher ups (not alot of gentle words in nursing).

I did nursing training and actually felt very comfortable with the patients. I could be super-nurse and hide behind a mask. I didn't find it threatening at all. I did not do well with my instructors though, as I struggled to accept responsibility and some pretty firm criticism. I also found there are a good deal of disordered people in nursing which was very triggering. For me I found another career was more appropriate for me. But I think there is likely a ton of work you can do to get some of these issues taken care of if you feel it is the right path for you.

Are you in therapy? Has your T suggested ideas for dealing with social interaction? Or criticism from superiors (sounds like that is very triggering).

 

[BrazenBull]

Honestly im not to crazy about nursing, I just want to join the air force as a nurse, so I can travel to different places, and get good pay and benefits, also im real good with science and im not squeamish when it comes to blood and stuff.

I havn't gone to a hospital yet but I'm kind of exited because we are going next semester, my teachers are putting alot of pressure on me but they are nice about it, one of them told me "You are going to be doing live births and surgery soon and you are going to come back here and tell is why your patient died .... or did ok which ever comes first" I gave off, sort of a fake sarcastic laugh.
I am willing to handle the criticism ... at least I think I am

And I quit therapy, because it was getting me nowhere and I couldn't talk no matter how long I sat in there, It was humiliating.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Maybe another type of therapy would be more helpful? What have you tried?

 

[Reclusive]

I think you should find a new T... that'll also help you move past this. We really want you to succeed, so remember this advise is all coming from a place of caring. It sounds like you might be able to work on your self-esteem/social interactions first before taking your trauma head on. I could be totally wrong, though.

 

[BrazenBull]

well He only suggested I start things off by talking, I didn't get to do too much of that lol, so i guess thats the only thing I've tried so far then I felt so bad about it so I haven't tried anything else .

I would love to find a new T but my schedule has been pretty hectic, 7 days a week, 12 units for this summer alone. all very difficult courses that I think I wont be able to handle. I guess forcing myself to hang out with other students kinda helped, so I'll just do that for now.

 

[Reclusive]

Well, remember to pace yourself. Exhaustion exacerbates PTSD, so the better you take care of your health, the better you're going to do. They should have counselors at the school that you can see. Go in with a game plan and tell them what you want to accomplish. That should help light a fire under their butts.

 

[BrazenBull]

Yeah, IK :( for the last 3 days I've been sick with a fever but I really pushed myself to go to school today because of an important test I couldn't really study for ... not helping my current condition at all :X
But hey, I dont think I did to bad, I mean I'm hoping I did better then I think I prolly did. I guess we'll have to wait and see how that went . Right now I have to type up 7 reaction papers for a project, and a 3-4 page essay for something else. This is going to be one hell of a night, but on the bright side I have trouble getting to sleep anyways lol.

I was actually at the guidance counselor maybe a week ago because I got robbed in a taxi, and taken to the airport. I had to walk home all soaking wet, cold, and lonely and got there pretty late and I was pissed so I punched random walls repeatedly. The next morning I still went to school and my teacher made me do to the clinic because I just had a handkerchief wrapped around it, and it was pretty messed up. Took me a while but I told the clinic nurse what happened and she made me go to the guidance counselor.
I had trouble talking to him, so the nurse went with me and talked for me, and then I still wouldn't talk about ... feelings and shit. So I had to fill up a form, lets just say if we were graded on filling out forms I wouldn't pass like I do in Pathophysiology .. or so I'm still hoping lol.

I answered IDK for most the questions, left some stuff like address and numbers blank, walked out of there, and never went back. :X IDK I probably messed up, I just ... well its not a big deal and I had a class to run to.My internet friend is always trying to tell me, I should start putting my well-being first before work and school, but its just so hard for me. Sometimes I think, I don't deserve to have friends and such, so why bother with the well-being of someone who deserves nothing great but maybe a successful career and ... hopefully impressive grades :X