Abandoned Except For This Forum, My Friends, And My Shrink

[WillyKat]

I feel really alone today. Over the weekend, my wife saw me venting anger the way I do when I'm alone sometimes.

She gave me the "you're crazy and dangerous" look. I'm sure you all know that one. She later questioned that I was making any progress in therapy and hinted that maybe I should stop. Some background here: she doesn't believe in therapy. It's a family thing, see therapists "tell you you're crazy and then you're done." I won't bore you with all the details; let's just say that her parents grew up in a fascist, backward country, retained a lot of that kind of thinking, and passed in on to her as effectively as genetic code. And my wife just can't modernize her perspectives on things.

Once I collected my bearings, I told her that while it may not seem like it, I am making progress. At least the anger is coming out and not going inward. Of course, it's like talking to a turnip. If its more complex than black and white, she can't deal with it.

So do I excuse my little rages I have when alone? No. I loathe them, I wish they would go away, they don't make me feel any better. They are utterly worthless except that they at least aren't self-hate. I've been a lot better lately at managing them. But some days the absurdity of this "life" I have gets to me and I have to vent. I don't think anyone other than my wife has ever noticed it because I keep it so hidden.

More background: my wife I'm pretty sure is obsessive compulsive. I would not be surprised if she too had a bit of PTSD. She didn't have a good childhood. And while I try to feel compassion, right now I can't because I'm blinded by her stubborness and...let's be honest...stupidity.a

This morning in the shower I started to cry. I just feel abandoned, like it was when I was six (or five or WTF) and so completely alone. Now it's two hours later and I don't feel much better, except that I know I'm not alone. I have this forum, some close friends, and my shrink.

But damnit why is it that the one person that took a vow to be there for me can't even pick up the PTSD book I asked her to read? Why does it have to be that she questions the very idea of therapy? Why in Hell is it that she can get close to tears hearing about an abused child on the news, but not give a rat's ass about the one she lives with?

Sorry for the incoherent rant. I'm on this forum and responding to posts trying to be helpful. And much of the time I'm just pretending that I don't need it myself, that somehow I'm in a position to help others when I'm so damn weak.

 

[p-no]

WillyKat, just wondering, because I'm not sure... Are you actually asking for feedback on this?

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey WillyKat,

God, I relate to so much of what you're saying! Truly. My husband is kinda emotional unavailable. Why that is, I don't know? Does he has undiagnosed Aspergers? Firm boundaries? Just good about dealing with stress? Just doesn't give a crap what I've gone through and what I'm going through now? Does it really matter? He's not there for me! How can he just sit there, emotionless, while I'm freaking out, losing it? Why does it just feel like he doesn't care? Am I just so awful that no one can care about me?

Jeez... there's a little incoherent rant to match your incoherent rant (which totally made sense to me, by the way).

And yeah, going to therapists is a major trigger for me... and when he suggests, well, maybe it would be better if I didn't go to therapists... it's not like they've been able to do much of anything good for 14 years. I just... it's hard enough. I agree with him, that all the medications, all the stupid advice, all the awfulness... maybe therapists are a bad idea. But I have to do something!!! And it's hard enough to just try and go to another doctor, can't he back me up? Can't he be on my side, once!!! Can't he be there for me? Once!?

I have no advice. Just... I feel what you're feeling, I've been there.

D

 

[WillyKat]

D123, it's not like we're asking for anything more than an attempt to understand us. Granted its not easy to understand. But does the lack of understanding have to come with criticism? Does it have to be answered with backwoods, 1940s-era, fascist nonsense about distrust of psychology?

I get enraged sometimes because she doesn't even hear that I'm hurting inside.

 

[saffy]

Hi Willycat

Helping others is a lot easier than helping yourself, I find anyway. I can give advice and support but when it comes to myself I put that on the shelve because of things I do nto want to face or experience.

I am so sorry you feel so alone despite your wife being there. It is apparent that your needs are not being met by her. I would think you find her lack of ability to be more open minded and understanding, instead of criticising through ignorance or stubbornness, is making her feel distant and apart from you. Rather than close and with you, if that makes sense. :)

Sometimes accepting that she is just not going to understand or agree therapy is a good thing, she has been brainwashed herself against it, by what you have said. Your anxiety and loneliness will seem worse if you keep beating yourself over not being able to convince or show her differently. She will only learn in her own way and probably though actions and results rather than the therapy itself. :)

I am pleased to hear you are venting out and not inwards. This is part of healing I think and it leads the way to better self control in the end because you realise you are expending energy on things or people that are not really that important to you in a deep and meaningful way but are being allowed to affect your life. I hope that makes sense. :)

I hope you find a solution and can find a way of not feeling so lonely. :0

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey WillyKat,

I hope you're having a better day today. :) I totally sympathize with what you're going through.

Hang in there,
D

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks D123, today is better. Not great, but better. I just have to remind myself for the millionth time that some people are narrow-minded, stubborn, rigid, inflexible, uncompromising, and narcissistic. To them, being supportive requires changing. And change is impossible for someone that already considers themselves perfect.