Abandonment, fear and knives

[Skywatcher]

My T went on vacation. She normally checks in every 5 days and says that she will do this. I have severe abandonment and attachment issues. Never asked what my label is beyond cptsd because I am afraid to know.

I guess since I handled her summer 2 week break so well, she didn’t feel the need to prepare me for this one. And we had a bit of a rupture at my last appointment. I sent her an email about it and she sent a very kind email a week ago. She hasn’t responded to my emails since. I didn’t expect her to until Thursday due to past experiences of 4-5 day check ins.

Plenty of people have told me that my expectations are unreasonable. I fully know that and fully know the shame of my feelings. And I hate myself. I hate that I am not valuable.

Last night I had a horrible pull to the knives in my kitchen. I couldn’t stop crying all day. Earlier in the week I had 4 panic attacks, a flood of flashbacks all the way back to being separated from the group during naptime at pre-school. I’m barely eating. I finally told my husband that I would go out with him so that I wouldn’t be alone in a house with knives. I think yesterday’s trigger is that he was leaving for a three day trip early this morning. I now am responsible for my two teenagers. Luckily, they are pretty self sufficient.

I feel like absolute hell. Last night was full of so much darkness. I fear the pull I feel into that darkness. I have plans in my mind to keep me busy but I just can’t seem to move. I have fears that my therapist hates me or has instantly changed all of her boundaries without preparing me for it. She used to speak so much about the importance of relationship in therapy and now I feel she has gone all clinical. I don’t even know if I want to see her on Tuesday. I don’t feel worthy of healing. I really don’t feel like I matter. I have friends checking on me. I’m not 100 percent alone. I am trying to keep my head above water.

If anyone has succeeded in surviving abandonment issues, please offer me some help. I don’t need to hear about how this break is important for my therapist. I’ve heard it over and over. I get it. I just need any ideas to survive and not give up. Though I see her on Tuesday, I feel like there is an ocean of time between now and then.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have abandonment issues myself.

Part of what has helped me is casting a wide (support) net AND accepting the limitations of what each person can do.

I know that therapists stress the relationship between a therapist and a client, I just think that most of them (even the trained ones) are clueless as to how this truly feels and plays out in our daily lives.

Is your therapist encouraging you to reach out and meet new people, make new friends?

I think there’s an inherent flaw in the therapeutic line of thinking that heavily encourages the use of a therapist as a surrogate relationship for those of us with attachment issues, for the obvious reason that we WILL get attached due to the vulnerability factor, but it’s also a limited relationship that will need to end at some point. (This is why I’m encouraging you to try and meet new people as opposed to just focusing on the relationship with your therapist.)

 

[Skywatcher]

I have abandonment issues myself.

Part of what has helped me is casting a wide (support) net AND accepting the limitations of what each person can do.

I know that therapists stress the relationship between a therapist and a client, I just think that most of them (even the trained ones) are clueless as to how this truly feels and plays out in our daily lives.

Is your therapist encouraging you to reach out and meet new people, make new friends?

I think there’s an inherent flaw in the therapeutic line of thinking that heavily encourages the use of a therapist as a surrogate relationship for those of us with attachment issues, for the obvious reason that we WILL get attached due to the vulnerability factor, but it’s also a limited relationship that will need to end at some point. (This is why I’m encouraging you to try and meet new people as opposed to just focusing on the relationship with your therapist.)

That’s the thing, I actually have a pretty big support system, two of which stayed with me on the phone via text until my husband got home from work. Before my T left, she reminded me that I am lucky to have such a good network of support because she has clients that don’t. She reminded me to lean on that support. She did reply today. Apparently, she had sent some emails that never made it to me. (Cruise, I think). She is concerned about my hormones/depression/anxiety and says that health and a good therapeutic relationship needs to be our focus. I told her that I am embarrassed by many of my emails and that most of my flashbacks had me around 2-3 years old. She praised me for writing down my connections and links that I am figuring out. I asked her for help on the extreme value I seem to have placed on her. I don’t know how that can be fixed. If I switched therapists, I’m pretty sure that the same thing would happen all over again.

I agree 100 percent with you, Eve. About the attachment and accepting people’s limited capacity to help. I just wish there was an easy solution to abandonment and attachment stuff.