Abandonment Issues

[Deleted member 1860]

I know this may not make much sense, but here goes nothing.

I know I have abandonment issues. It tears me apart when people leave me, so I avoid having this happen at all costs. So how do I avoid having this happen? I gain "control" of the relationship and force people out of my life. That way, I avoid all possibility of "abandonment." In the end, I still end up alone, but somehow, having control of how I end up alone makes the difference. At least I like to tell myself this.

The instant that I feel someone pulling away in the least, I will force them out of my life. It doesn't matter the reason that the person is pulling away. It could be me, it could be something else. I always take the pulling away personally, as a reflection of something that I did. To be honest with you, logically I know that people can't pay attention to me 24/7 and it is natural to be close to someone and then for the distance to increase between the two of you. An ebb and flow situation if you will. Its just that when I get any sense that someone is going to pull away...or abandon me, I have to beat them to the punch and abandon them first. Even if they have no intention of abandoning me.

I've known for a while that I've had a problem, but its gotten really bad lately. I've been pushing everybody away. I'm even pushing my own sister out of my life. My sister for cripes sake! She's my family and would never abandon me! I know I can't go on like this. If I don't stop now, I am going to end up alone forever, and I don't want to be alone.

Yeah, it sounds kinda crazy, right? Someone with abandonment issues ends up abandoning everyone else to avoid abandonment? Say what?

I don't know if anyone else who has PTSD has abandonment issues, or if its related to being sexually abused, or where it comes from. Please help!

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Scared,

I too have had these issues, and as uncomfortable as they are, we need to UNDERSTAND that not everyone will be in our lives forever. People come and go for many reasons, and at time those reasons MAY or MAY NOT be about us.

We also have no control over what others do, say, or think. It's how we DEAL with this that tells us apart. Healthy ways are to accept what the other person has done. They have chosen to leave our life, so we must respect this. It's about being an adult and being healthy.

UNHEALTHY ways are to throw temper tantrums, get angry, question the other persons motives, or make spectacles of ourselves in front of others by not accepting that these people have chosen to move on.

I know that having someone leaving your life is not easy, but again....We have NO CONTROL over what others do, we ONLY have control over OURSELVES, and HOW we REACT to this.........

 

[fin]

It could be me, it could be something else.

I have to try to remember this myself with regard to a lot of things as well as and aside from abandonment issues, thankyou for writing this here.

I always take the pulling away personally, as a reflection of something that I did. To be honest with you, logically I know that people can't pay attention to me 24/7 and it is natural to be close to someone and then for the distance to increase between the two of you. An ebb and flow situation if you will. Its just that when I get any sense that someone is going to pull away...or abandon me, I have to beat them to the punch and abandon them first. Even if they have no intention of abandoning me.

I have similar thoughts myself you are not alone in this, and again I think you may find you are helping others here as you help yourself.

I've known for a while that I've had a problem,...

We all have a problem and problems here, you are not alone, please know that and please know that you can learn to manage PTSD and have a fuller life than perhaps you think you can have at the moment. Try to remember hope. Hope may help signpost you when you are struggling, hope while lost to me for a time is returning and I welcome evrything that hope brings to my life.

You have PTSD, please know you can learn to manage it.

Say what?

Im sorry it is my sense of humour I guess but thats a song title by Stevie Ray Vaughn isn't it?

I don't know if anyone else who has PTSD has abandonment issues, or if its related to being sexually abused, or where it comes from. Please help!

I hope that something I have written here has perhaps helped you, you have helped me reading your post. You are not alone in anything you feel, it is ok to own your feelings but try also to get to know them, perhaps it might be PTSD telling you it is all or nothing. And it so doesn't have to be all or nothing now.

Bless you and peace to you
~fin

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I came to the forum to make a post about abandonment, and realized that I'd already made one!

I have abandonment stuck on the brain because my therapist is abandoning me. Apparently I am too high maintenance for her! I've only called her ONCE in the last month, but she says this is too much for her. Go figure.

Anyway, the reason I came to post was to ask for help with my "irrational fear" of abandonment. I don't want to isolate and push people out of my life. Yes, it keeps me safe, but I am also VERY alone. Right now my desire to be "safe" is winning out, but I know I have to work on my abandonment issues. I need to go outside my comfort zone to fix this problem.

Please help! How do others deal with irrational fears such as this one?

 

[Supression_fail]

I have the same problem. I can't stand the pain of having some one leave me, so when I have any inkling of it happens, I drop them like a ton of bricks so I cause the pain to myself instead of being blind sighted by it.

Hell, earlier this weekend the new guy I'm seeing was going to a Halloween party, and I couldn't make it, and felt like I was being left behind. Flip my lid. But luckily for me, he figured out i was having a moment, calmed me down. Has been texting me all day even with a goodnight phone call telling me about everything that happened so I didn't feel alone. Tho the text caused both our paranioa's to flare cuz there no tone in it.

I personally don't know how to deal with it other then drop it and pretend it never existed until I'm alone at night in bed and think too much, and let it rip me apart. So I would appreciate any tips for it too.

 

[This Ends Now]

ScaredOfLonely,

Hi. I think abandonment issues is just part of the package with PTSD. I am frequently afraid that I will just be left on the side of the road like a box of unwanted kittens. Everybody has a different coping mechanism for this and I am glad that so many have shared theirs so I will share mine as well. This especially applies to my relationship with my fiance.

The one thing I can count on in life is change. Part of change is that we all grow old and die. Jo and I will eventually be separated either by divorce, dysfunction, or death... there is no way around this eventuality. Since I know that I cannot hold on to him forever I must enjoy or make the most of the time we have. Pain and pleasure like all things will rise, fall, and vanish.

Another thing I use comes from "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" by Dr. Grey. There is a chapter on the rubber band theory. It says that men are like rubber bands with conflicting desires for intimacy and autonomy. Once the desire for intimacy is filled the man will start to stretch out, reaching for autonomy. Once the desire for autonomy is filled the man will snap back like a rubber band seeking intimacy. It is just part of the cycle of human interaction. If we accept these conflicting needs then the rubber band seems to shrink and he does not need to pull as far away... but if we try to deny his right to his own time then the rubber band stretches and eventually breaks.

I hope some of this helps and I wish you all the best in improving your relationships. The fact that you are making a good faith effort goes a long way in success.

Liz H.

 

[Hen]

Scared,

I do exactly the same, if I think someone is going to abandon me I push them. I have a wonderful husband but I seem to test him all the time. I have an irrational fear he will leave me and I push him away when all I want is him to be as close as he can be to me.

I think for me it has a lot to do with my C-PTSD as even from birth I had no one close to me. I developed no attachments and was never shown positive emotion. People hurt me and this is like a coping mechanism so I won't get hurt anymore. But a very maladaptive one (wow, I have been taking in what my psych has been saying!!).

I am trying to let people in slowly. It is also hard as I retreat into my home for safety so seeing people also means letting them in my safe zone or leaving my safe zone. But I am doing it slowly and do you know what??? It's going well and I am beginning to enjoy it. I don't know how to work things with my husband yet, he just yells and says I am insecure - and although logically I know he won't leave me I still have complete paranoia that he will.

Not really sure if my ramblings help or even make sense but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

 

[suzie q]

I seem to go through a "cycle" when I am dealing with abandonment. I think I've gotten some better over time, but maybe not.

First I feel great pain and anger. How could they do this to me?? After all I've done for them and all we've been through together. I didn't do anything wrong, they just walked away or I get pissed and walk away. Walking away helps me cope with the inevidable. That way I'm in control, right? I didn't need them anyway. They did this or that so I feel no guilt in walking away. I don't want to talk about them, forget them!

The second phase is a brain obsession. All I think about is the circumstances before we parted. I try to eliminate all the things I might be responsible for and find all the things they did wrong to me or someone I knew. I think it's called justification, but I don't give a s**t. I don't have to. I didn't need them anyway. Time to go through the phase of feeling unsafe. I don't trust anyone, I mean anyone! People will just screw you over. Don't they have hearts? That will never happen to me again, I promise you that!!!

The next phase is deep sorrow and grieving. Why does no one care how I feel or want to be with me? I'm a loser...a sick a** person that no one want to be around. Doesn't anyone understand that I'm good and loyal and need human contact? I'm all alone and will never understand why people reject me. Guess I'll always be alone.

I learned that usually I would stop after this phase and begin by obsessive thinking pattern again without any relief or answers. I was stuck. I was SO uncomfortable in my own skin... I had to learn some tools on how to process this cycle.

I still get triggered into this cycle from time to time especially if that person had been close to me for awhile. I have to remember that in life people grow and change. Sometimes the relationships would just dissolve and go seperate ways without any warning. The need I seemed to have was for someone to make me feel OK in my own skin. I found through therapy that this was a job I was never taught. I had to feel OK with me before I had meaningful relationships with others.

Learning about me, what I liked/disliked, my boundaries, my passions and self-love was one of the greatest gifts I received from my therapist. I can't worry about what people think about me, what they want from me until I know me. That has changed from time to time as I grow older, but what I learn about me makes me pretty comfortable...with or without others in my life.

 

[Lionheart]

I think that when I push others away, because I am afraid of being abandoned, I am in a sense abandoning myself. This is because people in my life have needs that fluctuate over the course of time, even during the course of a day. They get afraid too, whether they admit to this or not. It is when a person uses their choices as a weapon to manipulate me that I let them go their own way. Who needs to feel afraid all of the time? I have me and do not need a relationship with someone to be happy and healthy. There are plenty of fish in the sea and if a person does not or will not understand me or if they use my needs against me in some way then I will push them away. Otherwise I try to give them room to breathe, to be close or far depending on where they are at and I try not to take it so personally. This was nearly impossible in the beginning, but over time I have become stronger. It still hurts to be abandoned, but that is about them and not about me. I can heal from the hurt and move forward with my life.

 

[Pam]

It might help to have a couple of baskets by the door. One basket is for the names of people who are leaving and will not come back. The other basket is for the names of people who have just stepped out for a while. You can kind of discover two things. Your perception accuracy (as in when someone from the leaving for good basket comes back you goofed in your perception), and the actual number of people who leave for good and those who keep coming back. Getting a handle on how things really are is a great place to start tackling the problem.

 

[Grainne]

Wow..Pam...that's an amazing idea. Thank you for posting that...I'm going to start a list right now so I can see exactly who I have in my life that 'keeps coming back'. (me and my lists!)

 

[TLight]

I've been abandoned several times due to my PTSD symptoms when I didn't know what was wrong with me. Plus, the people that ended up abandoning me were triggering me also......so at least I got some relief!

But still........the pain is there. Still is. Finding it very hard to get close to people these days. Have my BF and one woman..........but not really that close. I don't know......it's a bit frustrating, but it seems people come with trouble.........so I guess I'm more comfortable this way.

Letting people close for a PTSD'er is difficult.........we seem so different.

Activity friends are my next goal.........that way you can get close much slower......have a positive thing you enjoy together and you can leave at the end of the activity. Control = less fear for me at least.