Abandonment Of Children Questions

[Livy's Mom]

Hello everyone. I was wondering if any suffered had personal experience with abandoning their children?

I am sure it is a difficult topic to discuss but I really need to hear from you.

My ex left me and our 3.5 year old daughter 6 months ago. When he first left it was out of nowhere and it was a cut and dry answer from him. I don't love you.. Never did.. So on and so forth.

His PTSD and alcoholism is untreated and he maintains it has anything to do with what happened. I don't believe that since this isn't our first rodeo but I have no choice but to accept it for what it is. So I have done that. Accepted it.

I shifted my energy and focus from the family directly to just her. He did not. For 6 months I have been walking on eggshells trying very hard to make things easy for him so I wouldn't affect their relationship.

It didn't matter. He was barely around and if I were to ever speak of anything he didn't like he would just stay away for weeks on end leaving us both emotional messed up. I realize this behavior is not necessarily a PTSD thing but when he is not going through one of these episodes he is an AMAZING father. I think that's why I try so hard.

About a month ago, she went to his house and I let her stay overnight. It was the first time she had been with him in a month. She came home the next day and told me she slept in bed with daddy and his friend "so and so"... I have no idea who so and so is and neither did she until that night. I obviously thought this was not ok.

I was hurt of course but I stuffed my own hurt down and tried to react to what she said as rationally as possible. I called later that day, asked him what she was talking about, he lied, then told a half truth. I tried to explain to him that it wasnt appropriate but I was overruled by screaming and yelling about how jealous I was.

I ended the conversation thinking we could resume the talk another time. I was an idiot.

We never heard from him again EXCEPT for receiving a letter from a lawyer stating we had to be out of our home by the 1st of the month. He is attempting to evict us from the home we shared.

When I tell you that I was devastated it's an understatement. I don't care so much about the house as I do the intent.

Could he really not care about her at all? Can he not see that throwing me out is throwing her out?

I guess what I'm looking for is some insight into what kinds of thinking he's using to rationalize these actions. The abandonment, the inappropriate actions, the eviction, lack of support ect..

Does he go to bed each night feeling ok with these choices?

I can understand how he can sever me but I can't understand how he can do this to her.

Any and all thoughts are welcome.

Thanks

 

[Fadeaway]

I keep trying to respond and then deleting everything i have said. So I will just offer my support for you and your daughter, until I can think of better words.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I'll take it @Fadeaway!

 

[scout86]

You've got a lawyer, right? If not, lawyer up.

Could he really not care about her at all? Can he not see that throwing me out is throwing her out?

"Could" and "can"?, sure, but there's no way to know about "Does". How much is he drinking? Alcohol can have a pretty major effect on the cognitive functions, you know.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Livy's Mom, I'm a bit confused about the "eviction" date... Did you already have to leave your home? Or is it the 1st of April? Have you found a good place, or do you need help and suggestions as to what to do next? Sorry if I'm off-topic, but I'd like to know that you and your little one are (going to) be in a safe place?...

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hello everyone. I was wondering if any suffered had personal experience with abandoning their childr...

Deep breath....
Sighs...
I am going to give it to you straight. Because a child is involved and that is my first concern.
The situation is not about PTSD ... Your daughters father is a manipulating, selfish, narcissistic asshole and any relationship with you and especially your daughter is dangerous.
You are probably codependent and for unknown reasons are used to being a victim in situations. Life happens to you. Find a way to stop it. You cannot be evicted from your home, you don't have to share anything with him. Get legal counsel of your own and get some therapy. No excuses.. Find help.
He is not doing this to you or your daughter. You are allowing it to happen. Fight for you and your daughter.
None of this " he is a good dad "when"
A good parent does not take his daughter to bed with him and a woman she does not know, he does not disappear, he does not try to evict. Cut him out of both of your lives. Yes it will be hard, life can be very f*cking hard and it hurts. To stand strong and not take any shit is the best example you could show your daughter.
I say all of this with deep, genuine caring. I wish you all the best.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you for your replies.

I don't know how much he drinks now but I can only assume it has gotten worse after his exit. He hasn't gone a day in at least 5 years without at least a 6 pack and a pint of hard liquor. That is the minimum.

The eviction "letter" was just that. A letter from a lawyer. I did seek legal advice and until there is a formal court order for us to leave we can stay right where we are. Even if we couldn't I have my family to go to. The letter is a requirement of landlords pre court order eviction process. As if I am a tenant. What an ass.

We were never legally married so the fight to keep my home is going to require far more effort than I think I have the wherewithal to give. I want to make sure that I have money to pay a lawyer if and when the time comes that I have to fight him on visitation ect.. I would rather leave the house than risk not being able to fight for what is in her best interests.

You are correct I am most certainly codependent and I have been in therapy for some time but all that therapy and understanding of my own issues doesn't take away the pain I feel for what has happened to my child.

I know that I need to be a crazed momma bear and that's what I intend to do for her but I suppose in the quiet moments I still look for answers.

I have a very hard time understanding detachment like that from your child because it would feel like death to me to lose her.

Anyway, 99.9% of the time I am resolute in my gut feelings about what is happening and how I need to act in order to protect us but like I said it is those quiet moments when the life we used to have plays on repeat in my mind. I start to try and put the square peg in the round hole.

 

[Livy's Mom]

@Alice.in.Wonderland, I copied your last paragraph and saved it to my phone.

Very to the point and I need to remind myself of those facts on a regular basis.

Thank you.

 

[Casey_03]

I second what @Alice.in.Wonderland wrote above. Don't make any excuses for the guy, NONE. Just cut him off and move on. I'm in a slightly similar situation as you - expecting a baby within a few weeks, the father not only took off but behaved like a sociopath and tried to get me fired, set me up for near disaster after engaging in credit card fraud, etc. For months I kept thinking, "How could any human being do things like that knowing the baby would be affected?" There's no answer. Some people are just reprehensible and toxic and need to be avoided. You will feel better once you leave this guy in the rear view. If he cleans up his act and comes begging for forgiveness, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But for now your child should be your primary concern.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Livy's Mom
If you have family, real family who will have your back and support your decisions, not try to talk you into "well he IS her father" then go there. I question this only because you learned your codependency somewhere and if is with the family you are going to turn to, you might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Please just think about this for a bit and discuss it with your therapist and be brutally honest with yourself.
Go to AL Anon . Find other resources, there is legal help out there for you.
This is not about you and why or him and why. It is about Livy and what she sees and lives. She learns by watching you, him and other significant others in her life. Not how you think she perceives or what you say but what she is absorbing by watching those around her.
Denial is a bitch. My husband died. It will be a year in May. Short story is he was not honest with me and left me an estate that is a hot mess. Plus the funeral costs are on my credit card.
I cried why why why did he lie to me. I could not and I am still struggling with even opening any mail. I pay all my bills electronically.
Bottom line, I have stop asking why, get off the pity pot and clean up the shit. I have just made matters worse living in denial. Hell yes it's hard but he's gone and I will never know the why. He probably didn't know why himself. I have to get the burden cleared from my path and move forward and stop wasting time asking questions there are no answers to. I only mention this because I have done this throughout my lifetime. Being codependent, letting life happen to me and being the victim.
Livy's dad is an alcoholic, she is learning that. You have allowed a lot of unacceptable behavior and make excuses for someone who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
Those times you say he is an amazing dad, it is not about Livy or you. It's about his ego and what he feels like doing in that particular moment. Hard pill to swallow, hard choices to make. This is Livy's world. She is learning what to expect from men and how to be a woman by your actions. That is how the cycle of abuse continues. You have the power to change it but only by changing you. Accepting that fact is a big step. Forgiving yourself later because you will still make mistakes, is just life but you will know you did the best you could. Good luck and keep writing!

 

[Livy's Mom]

Holy hell @Alice.in.Wonderland... I'm going to have to copy that entire post and print it out. There is no doubt you are 100% on point with your comments.

I received the exact pressure you spoke of already "Well he IS her father" and I fell for it. It came from my mother also codependent whom allowed my alcoholic father to casually stroll in and out of my life leaving me... well leaving me like this. After falling into the pattern I did however regain clarity post the sleepover and said directly to my mother that I took her advice and I was wrong to do that. She chose a path and that's ok but I have to choose mine now. I should have trusted my gut instincts. I know that now and it's going to take a court order to get me to budge again and it won't come easy. I will fight tooth and nail to protect her.

I do have tremendous guilt for what I put her through already. I'm working on letting that go and just focusing on doing right by her now but my goodness it is hard. I did not truly understand how hard being on my own with her would be while I'm still carrying all of this anger/sadness/crazy.

What on earth do I do with all of this anger? Where is it going to go?

I'm sorry to hear about your husband @Alice.in.Wonderland and even more sorry to hear that you were left in the state you are in but you sound like you are VERY strong. I appreciate you taking the time to slap me in the face. I need it.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Discuss the anger with your therapist and keep on discussing it. That's the safe place.
I just slapped myself in the face too :-)
Thank you for giving me the chance to know I can't just talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.
You are strong, very strong. Just let it be.

*hugs*