About to give up and talking to crisis line

[SeekingAfrica]

I just feel so broken, so out of options that it feels like harming myself is the only way to keep my sanity. Like I can't go on. Like I made my way through hell but I'm out of options and 8 can't do it anymore. I have a deadline in few days and things to do and it doesn't feel like I can take time, but also I feel so close to doing something drastic and stupid that I had to stop and I'm now talking to crisis line. And there are things to do, but I'm now sure I'm strong enough to keep fighting, I feel so hopeless. Hence talking to that line although I'm not sure how hopeful they are at all or if I'm just buying time.

 

[Ronin]

Hi Seeking,

You've come a darned long way & did so much in the last few months, of course you are stressed out but if you're something, its the opposite of someone who cannot achieve anything.

Buying time is no smalll thing, and you're doing good for reaching out there.

It's also good you are reaching out in here, before doing anything else. You don't deserve to be in pain. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

You talk about hope, so what would renew yours? What do you need to hope more?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hi Seeking,

You've come a darned long way & did so much in the last few months, of course you are stressed out but if you're something, its the opposite of someone who cannot achieve anything.

Buying time is no smalll thing, and you're doing good for reaching out there.

It's also good you are reaching out in here, before doing anything else. You don't deserve to be in pain. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

You talk about hope, so what would renew yours? What do you need to hope more?

I think I'll write you privately tonight. You know where. But I just... I am so beyond feeling like there is hope. I should have done so much more, but now I'm too late and I don't see, I can't see forward. It's all I can do not to hurt myself at this moment. I feel like the last months took all the fight out of me. And I don't have more to give.
I'm trying to find something in myself, anything to help me keep going.

 

[Missycat]

Oh @SeekingAfrica i am so so sorry you are feeling this way . Its hard when it feels as though everything is just too much and its a never ending fight.
You have come so far and you are still fighting - you still have it in you - you reached out for help -to the crisis line -to this community. You can achieve what you want to , try and just take a step back and breathe and allow yourself the time. You will find what you need to keep you going - you are strong.

 

[Ronin]

I should have done so much more, but now I'm too late

Sure thing, with writing.

You've had moving, jobs juggling & ballet to take care of, that is a no small deal, especially if dealing with it mostly on your own: You've done awesome, what you ain't catching up is one single work deadline... Not the whole life, not a survival matter, a work logistics matter.

Sounds you had too much, for too long, what would let you to rest?
For even a little bit?
Work don't come first before your life. Your life does. Caring for you does.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Sure thing, with writing.

You've had moving, jobs juggling & ballet to take care of, that is a no small deal, especially if dealing with it mostly on your own: You've done awesome, what you ain't catching up is one single work deadline... Not the whole life, not a survival matter, a work logistics matter.

Sounds you had too much, for too long, what would let you to rest?
For even a little bit?
Work don't come first before your life. Your life does. Caring for you does.

Ballet has kept me going. But this week I couldn't even do that, got kinda touchy and a bit agoraphobic again and the furthest I've managed to go was the store. So basically had to cancel other meetings. It's not just work deadline, it is a bit of survival deadline.
Then again if I hurt myself that is also about survival, soo... I feel trapped. I wrote you. Sorry it was super long, it's hard to filter anything right now. I am still one step away from giving up. The crisis line was kinda unhelpful but it gave me one drop more- enough to get one task done and allow myself a snack with TV show. Hoping I will have one drop more when I'm done with that. I feel like I gave everything I had to the situation and I am still not going to survive which feels very ironic. But I have gained drops enough to stop and have a snack before anything else, so I will do that now. I can't see further than that right now.

You can achieve what you want to , try and just take a step back and breathe and allow yourself the time. You will find what you need to keep you going - you are strong.

I feel like I'm too late to find anything, I haven't felt this week almost ever, so hopeless. In years. But all I know is the crisis call gave me enough to give myself 30 min more to try to relax.. Further than that, I can't think yet. I think this will be a long night.

 

[Ronin]

So you took care of your needs well, even when terrified of being out... High five. :)

& Nah, work is not the same as survival deadline, if not that line of work, it makes life harder but is not nearly that urgency, don't let anxiety about that get too close.

You aren't trapped. If something, this hole you found yourself in? You been shoveling since you got there. On your way out, you aren't trapped. What you need is time, and conserve whatever reserves you got, right.

Food's good :) What's for the next meal? :) << Would be the bit I look at. The regular bits that help.
It's far & close enough, anyway. Don't have to cover it all, in one bite.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Not sure how this is possible but I guess I was in such bad state mentally now, that when I got up I almost passed out. And my whole body physically hurts, all muscles and joints. All because of all these super intense emotions. Okay. Coffee first, survival later.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ronin Turns out I don't have anything left so 1 sample replacement food shake with water and coffee is my dinner. Need to go to store again but I'm in too much distress tonight.

 

[Ronin]

Ill toast you with my coffee. :)

Is good you got something to eat, anything. It will do. Bon appetit.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Ill toast you with my coffee. :)

Is good you got something to eat, anything. It will do. Bon appetit.

Cheers. OK. Taking a moment from now. Or I'll try anyway. Feel a bit like a time bomb.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think coffee(the fact that it was hot and it's also my cozy drink) and emotions hit me up like bricks along with watching big bang theory for relief. The last 3 hours have melted in a blink, not sure how. Now I'm crashing from the emotions and I can only go to bed. Which is just as well, I think I need to allow myself that to have any sort of sense to get through this. I can't think clearly now. I am pretty much ready to collapse in bed and try to start over tomorrow.