I'm About To Give Up(really Long Sry)

[about2giveup7]

I've never told anyone the full scale of what I've been through with my fiancé.

We've been dating for around 4 yrs off and on. The first time I found out he was cheating was when we were together for a year and a half. I found out Bc I saw his ex emailing him at 2am asking him to call her. Which led to me finding out that he was also talking to several other women.. one of which lived all the way in Seattle. They would spend hours on the phone, but it was always at night. He finally admitted that they would have phone sex.

Idk why this wasn't a red flag that he could be a sex addict.. At the time I didn't really understand what a sex addict was, or why a man would risk everything for something virtual.

I ended up leaving him for 7 months.. he begged me every chance he could to come back, and swore he'd never risk losing me or my son again. So I finally decided to give him another chance. I was so naive that I fully believed he'd never cheat again. I would tell my friends that I trusted him, Bc I knew he'd never risk losing our family. I was an idiot.

5 months ago I randomly got this feeling he was cheating again. I told him to give me his phone records, to which he refused.. saying I should trust him. When I told him he could give them to me or I will leave you he finally did.

He never even stopped talking to other women. The girl from Seattle was on there just 2 months after I first caught him cheating.. along with MANY other women. Some long term, some only when he was desperate. This time was different though bc he actually had a relationship with one of them. He told her he loved her, and would block her number when he'd come home to be with our family. It wasn't until I talked to her that I truly realized the depth of what he was into.

He had memberships on all these different sex sites, and would post videos of himself getting off. I seriously had no idea that he even was into porn, let alone that. After I found that out he finally came clean to me about everything. How he looked for sex on Craigslist, and would talk to any girl for phone sex. He said he would masturbate all day long, and would force himself to keep getting off. He swears that he never went through with physically sleeping with someone, but I honestly don't believe him.

So I told him I needed time to think about everything, so we didn't see each other for a month. When I decided to be there for him I made him give me every single account, and password he had. Before giving me Snapchat he deleted everything girl and convo including ones that were sent that very morning. But I'm too clever and added them back.. so I saw all the convos.

When I confronted him he finally admitted that he is a sex addict, and that he needed help. He found a therapist and i thought he was recovering. Until 3 months into his recovery I found around 5 towels with cum on them under his hotel bed. He lied and played dumb.. but finally admitted that he'd been watching porn and masterbating the entire 3 months.

So I put a lock on his phone where he could no longer go to explicit sites. It's been 2 months since this happened, but I feel like all we do is fight. I have absolutely zero trust in him.. and we now never have sex.. he travels for work, so it makes trust 1,000xs harder.

I love him, and he's my best friend.. but I'm constantly digging through his stuff. I'm constantly worrying if he's telling lies, or if he has another phone. It's become mentally exhausting.

Anyway I just needed to vent, Bc I threw a vase today.. and that's not like me to get angry like that. I've never not trusted someone I'm dating.. its just not who I am. Hence why I trusted him even after he proved himself untrustworthy.

All of this has really messed me up mentally.. it's effected my confidence and mood. I just don't know if I should stay with him, or if there's just too much damage done to come back from.

Btw before someone says anything about sex I will clarify that we have always had amazing sex. It's always been very passionate and full of chemistry. The only thing that effected it was his erectile dysfunction.. which I now know is related to sex addiction. He still has issues staying hard.. which is honestly part of the reason why we never have sex anymore. It's also another reason I don't trust him....

Thank you for the help! Please be kind.. I'm hurting enough.

 

[bring em all in]

I can certainly see why you are on the verge of giving up! Even if he is not having sex with other women, it sounds like he is a porn addict. And porn-induced erectile dysfunction is common in porn addicts.

Not to discourage you from posting here, but there is a partner's section of the website rebootnation.org/forums where women have share their experiences and the difficulties they've had in making the decision you face now regarding porn addicts. You might find more specific information and feedback there, but like I said, please don't take it to mean that you shouldn't post here!

 

[about2giveup7]

I wasn't sure where to post since I just joined. Thanks for the info!

 

[bring em all in]

You're welcome, and don't be a stranger here (aka- Keep coming back!). I just know that this is a very specific situation and that I have read many threads at that site that address what you've expressed. Like this website, they don't judge or tell you what they think you should do (Unless you post you are or might be in danger). But they sure have a lot of experience to share. And there's a ton of info about porn addiction as well.

 

[Casey_03]

Honestly, if I were in your situation I feel like I'd leave him just to avoid getting anything from him. You can't trust him and you have no idea who he is sleeping with and if he even uses protection.

 

[bring em all in]

Yes, when the other person is having actual sex with someone else there is that to consider. Along with having yourself tested. FYI- many of the partners of porn addicts at reboot state they'd have left if they found out before the marriage/and or the kids. Even then, there are partners who decide to split up because of the damage (physical and emotional) done.

 

[J'qel]

I think you both need to go to a sex therapist and seek some couple's counselling. Two people in a relationship having different sexual needs is not terribly unusual. He obviously has an issue, and you both need to work through what you find acceptable means for him to cope while he tries to rehabilitate himself.

Think of it like a drug. You can't cut them off suddenly and start watching their every move, monitoring them constantly, it'll only make it worse, as the guilt and shame drives the addiction further.

Instead, you work out a rehab plan, and go to counselling and seek professionals who can help.

You really need to decide whether you really want to keep the relationship, because it will be extremely difficult for both of you-like any normal addiction. We all have limits that we can't breach, there's no shame in it, and it will be very very trying, and possibly take a very long time to get resolved. It's a major thing to commit to, that could possibly take years and still not be resolved.

Take some time to really think about it and how it impacts you and your life before you make your decision, maybe talk to him about it and then another breather and think some more. This isn't something that anyone would enter into lightly, for either choice.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[joeylittle]

@about2giveup7 - do either you or your partner have PTSD? (It's not clear from your post...)

 

[bring em all in]

I respectfully disagree that sex addiction/porn addiction is "like any normal addiction." On top of the addiction itself there is a layer of betrayal of the non-addict partner and the impact on the non-addict's self-esteem (not that there aren't betrayal and self-esteem issues, but in SA/PA it seems even more potent and intimate).

Also, from the original post I don't see this as a difference in sexual needs- not in the sense of he likes X and Y in bed but she doesn't. A sex therapist is not going to make SA or PA healthy needs that she needs to accept or make peace with. They are boundaries she needs to decide whether she can abide being violated or not, or if she decides to ride out if he seeks recovery.

 

[J'qel]

As someone who has dealt with another's addiction-there most certainly *is* betrayal in chemical addiction. And there is self esteem issues. You cannot trust them, they won't listen to you, you can't help them, you're going to lose them/you've lost them, they'd rather have drugs than you, etc etc. They steal from you, they lie to you, they do things to get access... it is the same thing. The only thing that *is* different is what the addiction is to. Heck, with a chemical addiction, you can even end up with a partner with STDs-either for sleeping around while stoned, sex work to get drugs, or dirty paraphernalia.

Having a greater sexual appetite versus a more average one is definitely a sexual compatibility issue. When one partner wants more sex, sex in specific ways (like phone sex or porn) then you have compatibility issues.

Yes, boundaries need to be set. That's why you decide what you can handle, how much you can handle and if you want to spend years of your life on something that may not get resolved. Also why you see a therapist who can help you define healthy boundaries.